- 5 years ago
- Wedding: November 2016
I move to a city I hated and knew no one for an EX. I doubt I would do that again.
I’ve had to give up a lot of ideas about family. MY SO now has a huge family, and I don’t understand half the things that go on. I will have to give up a child free wedding dream. too many kids that HAVE to be there.
He didn’t ask me to, but I gave up the pursuit of a PhD for him/us. I had wanted to get my doctorate and teach in my field for a long time, but as we got more serious, I realized that academia would take a toll on his career and our future family more than I’d like. My friends who stayed the course have had long bouts of unemployment and have taken one year post-docs all over the world from middle of nowhere Nebraska to Beirut. He would have done it for me, but in the end, it wasn’t worth it for us as a unit for me to pursue that dream at the expense of his career and our stability.
There are many, many other things that we’ve compromised on. I think that’s normal in a healthy relationship. Some seasons, one SO gives up more than the other. But if the flow is always one way, that’s a problem.
I think you made the right decision. Everyone has different opinions & priorities, but to me- SO’s, family, and friends are most important in life way more than a job. Another oppourtunity will come up that will work out for you. For me my husband is the most important part of my life and I’d give up anything to be with him, and I did. He’s sacrificed BIG things for me, too. And everything we “gave up” for each other was before we were married.
I don’t think you will get over this “if” for at least a couple of weeks. Hopefully, you will always be aware that it was you who took this decision. Not your boyfriend.
I wouldn’t have done what you did. I would have taken the job and had given it a 3 to 6 months trial. Then, depending on how things were going I woulf either quit or stay.
I diasagree with people choosing not to do thing just because they do not want to be away of s.o. because, in my experience, it almost always leads to resentment. I suggest maybe you find another reason to do the sacrifice than being away from your boyfriend.
Would this opinion be different if they were married? Is there a magical change that happens, as some PP’s have suggested, and OP’s decision would be acceptable if they were married? Because I believe that people have no business getting engaged or married if they’re not already willing to make sacrifices of this nature for one another. It shouldn’t be the case that before you’re engaged you always put yourself first and then after engagement/marriage you put the relationship first. There’s a transition somewhere along the way where the relationship becomes the priority and that’s WHY people feel they are ready for marriage.
Anyway I feel this type of decision is deeply personal, and there are certainly married people who encounter this same situation. One partner gets an opportunity that would require the other partner to uproot their own life. In that circumstance it’s impossible for the relationship to remain intact without going long distance AND both people keep their ideal career situations. Is the answer that they should always call it quits on the relationship?
(FYI, I genuinely think this is an interesting and important debate, so please don’t take this as confrontational. I think your point has a lot of merit, too!)
You’ve turned down the job already, so no use waxing about that; I’m sure it wasn’t an easy decision, but I’d be wary about sacrificing too much for the sake of someone else.
I gave up pretty much everything to move across the country for my ex-FI (house, job, being with friends and family, turning down an amazing job for another with health insurance), and even after all that he still dumped me anyway–and six months before our wedding too. He even had the gall almost a year later to beg for me back but made no mention of any sacrifice he was going to make to be near me. I’m okay now, but I will never forgive him for putting me in that position.
As long as he’s aware of what you’re giving up and is putting forth the effort to make up for it then I think it’s okay, but just keep it in mind that you are with you your whole life.
I have given everything up twice (in my past) for a guy. One time I got it all back, the 2nd time I did not. Never, ever again for me. Though I’m remarried now and won’t be moving around for a man again. I hope!
It’s all grand in my book.
Sorry OP for the hijjack, just couldn’t let that comment slide!!
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