(Closed) Have you ever given something big up for your SO?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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milabeehappy:  Is he willing to support you until you get on your eet and find your own job if you decide to move? I say if he is willing to help you and be there for you I would go with him. I know you aren’t engaged yet but it sounds like you love him and it’s okay to be concerned on what to do.. Can you tell us how far away you would have to move? and is it a place where you think you’d be able to find a job? 

Post # 62
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I move to a city I hated and knew no one for an EX. I doubt I would do that again. 

I’ve had to give up a lot of ideas about family. MY SO now has a huge family, and I don’t understand half the things that go on. I will have to give up a child free wedding dream. too many kids that HAVE to be there. 

Post # 63
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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secondtimecharm:  Why are you shaming her?! Put your claws away and go troll somewhere else. 

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Gsxr06:  don’t listen to haters. You keep doing what you are doing! 

Post # 64
Member
2173 posts
Buzzing bee

He didn’t ask me to, but I gave up the pursuit of a PhD for him/us. I had wanted to get my doctorate and teach in my field for a long time, but as we got more serious, I realized that academia would take a toll on his career and our future family more than I’d like. My friends who stayed the course have had long bouts of unemployment and have taken one year post-docs all over the world from middle of nowhere Nebraska to Beirut. He would have done it for me, but in the end, it wasn’t worth it for us as a unit for me to pursue that dream at the expense of his career and our stability.

There are many, many other things that we’ve compromised on. I think that’s normal in a healthy relationship. Some seasons, one SO gives up more than the other. But if the flow is always one way, that’s a problem.

 

Post # 65
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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fluffykaiju:  I’m pretty sure you don’t know the meaning of a troll.  Anyway, I find it awful that someone feels they are making a SACRIFICE in order to be a step-parent.  I would not choose to be with someone who felt that way about my child.  That is all.

Post # 66
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I think you made the right decision. Everyone has different opinions & priorities, but to me- SO’s, family, and friends are most important in life way more than a job. Another oppourtunity will come up that will work out for you. For me my husband is the most important part of my life and I’d give up anything to be with him, and I did. He’s sacrificed BIG things for me, too. And everything we “gave up” for each other was before we were married. 

Post # 67
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think you will get over this “if” for at least a couple of weeks. Hopefully, you will always be aware that it was you who took this decision. Not your boyfriend. 

I wouldn’t have done what you did. I would have taken the job and had given it a 3 to 6 months trial. Then, depending on how things were going I woulf either quit or stay.

I diasagree with people choosing not to do thing just because they do not want to be away of s.o. because, in my experience, it almost always leads to resentment. I suggest maybe you find another reason to do the sacrifice than being away from your boyfriend.

Post # 68
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

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newlywednewbie:  Perfect response. Being part of a unit does not mean giving up your desires. 

Post # 70
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

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milabeehappy:  I moved out of NYC for him. That was hard, and I still miss it, but it was the right choice for us. He’d be miserable in the city, and while I prefer it there to where we are now, I don’t hate it here. So it seemed the most fair.

Post # 71
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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newlywednewbie:  I totally understand your point, and in some circumstances I might counsel someone similarly depending on the length and nature of the relationship. Don’t give something up for a man, right?

Would this opinion be different if they were married? Is there a magical change that happens, as some PP’s have suggested, and OP’s decision would be acceptable if they were married? Because I believe that people have no business getting engaged or married if they’re not already willing to make sacrifices of this nature for one another. It shouldn’t be the case that before you’re engaged you always put yourself first and then after engagement/marriage you put the relationship first. There’s a transition somewhere along the way where the relationship becomes the priority and that’s WHY people feel they are ready for marriage.

Anyway I feel this type of decision is deeply personal, and there are certainly married people who encounter this same situation. One partner gets an opportunity that would require the other partner to uproot their own life. In that circumstance it’s impossible for the relationship to remain intact without going long distance AND both people keep their ideal career situations. Is the answer that they should always call it quits on the relationship? 

(FYI, I genuinely think this is an interesting and important debate, so please don’t take this as confrontational. I think your point has a lot of merit, too!)

Post # 72
Member
1290 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2019

You’ve turned down the job already, so no use waxing about that; I’m sure it wasn’t an easy decision, but I’d be wary about sacrificing too much for the sake of someone else.

I gave up pretty much everything to move across the country for my ex-FI (house, job, being with friends and family, turning down an amazing job for another with health insurance), and even after all that he still dumped me anyway–and six months before our wedding too. He even had the gall almost a year later to beg for me back but made no mention of any sacrifice he was going to make to be near me. I’m okay now, but I will never forgive him for putting me in that position.

As long as he’s aware of what you’re giving up and is putting forth the effort to make up for it then I think it’s okay, but just keep it in mind that you are with you your whole life.

Post # 73
Member
5934 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I have given everything up twice (in my past) for a guy. One time I got it all back, the 2nd time I did not. Never, ever again for me. Though I’m remarried now and won’t be moving around for a man again. I hope!

#mustlovedogs

Post # 74
Member
1714 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

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fluffykaiju:“Gsxr06: don’t listen to haters. You keep doing what you are doing!”  +100!!

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secondtimecharm:  I am pretty sure you didn’t read her post properly. It was honest and respectful. Parenting step-children (especially if you never really wanted children, but even if you have your own children) is REALLY HARD and the woman is not an evil stepmother for saying it is a sacrifice for her.  She obviously cares for and respects the child and her partners role as a father, so 

It’s all grand in my book.

Sorry OP for the hijjack, just couldn’t let that comment slide!!

Post # 75
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

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GreenGables:  not PP, but I agree with her. I also agree with you: marriage includes a lot of sacrifice. However, I think a marriage should be more about each person sacrificing a little in order to further the relationship. The fact that the words “gave up something big for your SO” are in the title of this post concern me. Both parties need to give a little in order to support each other’s dreams. I would support my SO 100% in his endeavors, just like I am now. But would I do that while giving up my dreams and opportunities in exchange? No, and he would never ask or expect me to. There are plenty of ways to make a situation work that dont include total sacrifice from one party or calling the relationship quits. Loving your partner wholeheartedly is an amazing thing, but life is unexpected. You have yourself forever, no matter what. 

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