milabeehappy: Don’t apologize. If that is what you feel is the right thing for you, then good for you. I was merely replying to your question and stating my point of view: No I would never sacrifice anything career/goals-oriented for my S.O. and I don’t expect the same from him. I would, however, sacrifice something for the best of both.
The thing is, if HE is the reason why you didn’t go it is natural you are feeling a huge IF moment. “If I it wasn’t for him I would have taken that job”, “If it wasn’t for him I might have become X position”, etc. And chances are it will never disappear and will haunt you even later in life (if just for brief moments). That is why I believe holding yourself from doing something for someone else is a bad idea. It is not the same as saying, “I decided not to take this job because it was on our own best interests” or “I did this sacrifice because I think I can find something better here” or “I decided this because I rather focus on my relationship than my career”.
But your arguments say otherwise.:
I have to turn it down as he could not find something comprable in the same place.
I can’t be away from him forever.
Indirectly, you are blaming him because “if it wasn’t for him you would have taken that job” and that can bring HUGE consequences for you in the future. And, keep in mind that he might not feel 100% the same for you. What if he is offered a position abroad and needs to move for a couple of months but you can’t afford to accompany him? What if you build a life where you are now and then he has to move to a completely diferent place, meaning you will have to start from zero again? What if he has to suddently travel more often, spending less time at home with you? What if he doesn’t care about being away from you for some time? How are you going to react to this sort of things?
But then again, I might be wrong.
As for your last questions” If you decided to stay at a job I bet it was because it made you happy. As happy as HIS jobs is making him. You don’t need to break up, you could find a solution or then decide who is going to give in. But you’d now have no regrets, as you already tried something you wanted. I also can’t help but wonder if maybe your boyfriend hoped for you to become a Stay-At-Home Wife (nothing wrong there, btw). He seems to be all into the “I have an amazing job and can support you so no need to work”. Which, again, its totally okay if that is what both of you plan on.
Overall, I think what you need to do is re-programming the way you are seeing things. From your last post it appears you are doing this in order to have a family (you keep bringing up the baby issue A LOT). Maybe instead of thinking “I am making this sacrifice to be with him”, which could lead to resentment in the future (what if he doesn’t make a similar sacrifice later in life?), you could think “I am making this sacrifice so we can both start a family soon”? It does seems that this is your final goal in your relationship, which is 100% valid, so maybe rephrasing would take away some of the bad feelings.
GreenGables: For me, it would be the same even if they had been 50+ years married. I have no problem with wanting to focus on your relationship rather than on your career. If that is what someone wants, then I support it 100%. My deal with this scenario is that OP is not doing something because she doesn’t want to be away from him (read above), so the issue is: she wants to take the job, but because HE can not follow her she won’t take it. This, in my experience, can lead to a lot of troubles as she might always feel she sacrifice something big out of love and would expect the same from him.
What would happen if he was offered a temporary position abroad (say two months) and he decides it would be for the best if she didn’t follow him (dangerous place, money issues, homing problems, kids, etc.)? Would she resent him for not sacrifying this? Would she hesitate to let him go because if she couldn’t be away from him before, why could he so easily be away from her? Those are questions that might arise, because OP might feel she has given much more into her relationship than him.
Hopefully, OP will never have to face anything like this. But I know a lot of woman (my mom included) who secretly feel they have sacrificed more for their husbands, than they have done it for them.
I do believe it to be a personal choice, and because of so I never told her she was wrong. I merely stated that I wouldn’t do it, and disagree with people who do it. Yet, disagree doesn’t mean I think less of them or anything like that. Different circumstances have diferent consequences. As many previous posts have mentioned, maybe the right approachs would be to think “In my life plan, my s.o. and I have X, Y, and Z. In order to achieve this, it would be for the best that s.o. doesn’t quit.” If so, yes, you might be making a sacrifice that feels as if it is for someone else, but in reality you are doing it for both of you.
Now, there is one key element in her discourse that she keps repeating: “he is going to marry me” and “I am going to be engaged”. It makes me wonder if maybe a big reason she isn’t taking that job is because she is holding to the belief that if she left, he might not propose (just wondering, though). What if the proposal doesn’t arrive? What if he waits until december or next year? This sacrifice could bring a lot of stress to her relationship.
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