(Closed) Have you ever given something big up for your SO?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 76
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I guess I’m a little surprised at the negativity. As a career-minded woman also, I had to realize that when I committed to my Fiance sometimes what’s best for the both of us, our family, and our life, isn’t always putting my career first and that’s the compromise and sacrifice we have to make. He sacrifices for me in other ways…he could live nearer to his family, we’re about a 3 hour flight away from his parents, but about 5 miles from mine.

My Fiance has a very specific job and can’t transfer to many places outside of our geographic region (although his home town is one)…because of that, I’ve had to limit what types of jobs I can move into. We’ve made the decision together (he makes over double what I do as well)…he feels bad, but it doesn’t make him a bad person and I certainly don’t ever feel like he holds me back. He supports me in what I do and always wants what’s best for me. We made the joint decision that we could never have the income we have now if we relocated. So for our family, it’s best we stay and I just recognize I have limited jobs available. 

I’m not sure I’m helping, just to say that sometimes in life we weigh the positives and negatives and make the decision best for our lives and families. Good luck!

Post # 77
Member
10379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I have the reverse, my Fiance gave up tacos (his favorite food) by moving four and a half hours north to where I live and traditional tacos don’t exist apparently.

Post # 78
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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mushface:  completely understand all of that. I think in this case it’s also very important whether OP’s bf is willing to make similar sacrifices if and when called upon. It would also be an important consideration, for me personally if I were OP, whether not taking the new job and move would mean derailing or stalling my career entirely, or whether it simply means I wouldn’t get higher pay. And if my current pay is acceptable and on the whole my SO getting to keep his current job means better income for us overall, then that’s a pragmatic decision.

Somewhat related, this entire issue is really something that every military spouse has to contend with, right? Kind of hard to nurture a career when you’re getting orders to different locations every few years. Incidentally, that’s why I know I personally could never marry into the military!

And I am someone who plans to stay put in my current career, so I definitely understand the importance. I was upfront with my bf at the beginning of our somewhat long-distance relationship (we have history together so that helps). I told him I don’t want to leave LA (or the greater area anyway). He works from home so he said no problem at all, he can move here when his lease is up. But if he’d told me he wanted to be an investment banker or something and would probably have to move to New York? I probably wouldn’t have entered into the relationship at all. I think knowing where you stand on these things early on is incredibly important. I wish I’d been more vocal in my earlier relationships!

Post # 79
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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slomotion:  No way would I give up tacos. Or real salsa. 😄

Post # 80
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

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milabeehappy:  I think you made the right choice- there will always be future opportunities career wise but there is only one him. 

Post # 83
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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milabeehappy:  I hope you haven’t felt judged or anything, as I don’t think that has been anyone’s intention! I think your post sparked a really interested dialogue and everyone here has expressed perspectives that are well thought out. My opinion, what’s best for you may not be what’s best for someone else, but what’s important is that you are happy with it. And I definitely know people who have made major life changes or sacrifices for their SO.

Post # 84
Hostess
4951 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

My Fiance moved for me, so I didn’t have to give up anything there per se, but I know it was a big decision for him and something I don’t take lightly. We also weren’t engaged at the time, but had been together for 6 years and knew we were going to be married in the future after I finished law school (we got engaged a year after his move). My Fiance was a little bummed at first because he absolutely loved where he lived, but I am more career focused than he is and my job options are really limited to the city I’m in now.

I hope you find a similarly awesome position in your current city bee!

Post # 85
Member
10379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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GreenGables:  
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sunrise_beauty:  Thats how I know the love is real! It was a hard day when he realized our version of tacos were different. Tears were shed. 

Post # 87
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

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Shesaidyes:  Oh, I did read her post.  I didn’t say it was dishonest.  She wrote: 

But they are a package deal and I really can’t imagine him (NOT THEM) not in my life. Plus, she is a good little girl and deserves my caring, respect and what I have to offer/teach her (which I hope is a lot). So while this is not my ideal living situation, it is what it is and a small “price” to pay for all the happiness it brings.

Oh, and yes, I have given up things for my Fiance. Not sure what this has to do with anything, though.

Like I said before, I would not want to be with someone who did not fully embrace the fact that I have children and considered it a sacrifice or not ideal.  I am entitled to my opinion just as she and you are entitled to yours.  It is very hard to be a step-parent, but it’s even harder to be a step-child who feels like somewhat of a burden to your step-parent who wants to be with your father so much she has accepted the situation.  The child will feel that, even if it’s not overtly expressed. I didn’t call her evil or even a bad person.  I just personally would not be with a person who felt that way about my child. 

 

Post # 88
Member
970 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Yes–I gave up what would have once been my dream job because of the impact it would have had on our relationship.  The feeling of being “bummed out” is real–not matter how much you know in your head and your heart it was right!  So just wanted to say I feel for you!  

My suggestion: Give it time and find moments that when you’re together you purposefully remember if you’d moved for that job how much you’d be missing out on time with him.  You know you made the right call but it’s also okay to recognize you gave up something, too, and feel disppointed about it in general.

Post # 89
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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milabeehappy:  I moved 5 hours away from my friends and family when we were “just dating”. I took precautions and supported myself 100% but I did give up better job oppotunities and being close to my loved ones for my now DH. Now that we’re married I have given up the ability to live close to my family (DH is in a very specialized field so we can’t really choose where we will live) and I’ve given up my ability to establish a long-term home as we move quite often. 

He has also made sacrifices. You give some and you get some but that doesn’t mean it’s easy! It sounds like you made the best decision at this point in your life.

Post # 90
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

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milabeehappy:  Don’t apologize. If that is what you feel is the right thing for you, then good for you. I was merely replying to your question and stating my point of view: No I would never sacrifice anything career/goals-oriented for my S.O. and I don’t expect the same from him. I would, however, sacrifice something for the best of both. 

The thing is, if HE is the reason why you didn’t go it is natural you are feeling a huge IF moment. “If I it wasn’t for him I would have taken that job”, “If it wasn’t for him I might have become X position”, etc. And chances are it will never disappear and will haunt you even later in life (if just for brief moments). That is why I believe holding yourself from doing something for someone else is a bad idea. It is not the same as saying, “I decided not to take this job because it was on our own best interests” or “I did this sacrifice because I think I can find something better here” or “I decided this because I rather focus on my relationship than my career”. 

But your arguments say otherwise.:

I have to turn it down as he could not find something comprable in the same place.

I can’t be away from him forever. 

Indirectly, you are blaming him because “if it wasn’t for him you would have taken that job” and that can bring HUGE consequences for you in the future. And, keep in mind that he might not feel 100% the same for you. What if he is offered a position abroad and needs to move for a couple of months but you can’t afford to accompany him? What if you build a life where you are now and then he has to move to a completely diferent place, meaning you will have to start from zero again? What if he has to suddently travel more often, spending less time at home with you? What if he doesn’t care about being away from you for some time? How are you going to react to this sort of things? 

But then again, I might be wrong. 

As for your last questions” If you decided to stay at a job I bet it was because it made you happy. As happy as HIS jobs is making him. You don’t need to break up, you could find a solution or then decide who is going to give in. But you’d now have no regrets, as you already tried something you wanted. I also can’t help but wonder if maybe your boyfriend hoped for you to become a Stay-At-Home Wife (nothing wrong there, btw). He seems to be all into the “I have an amazing job and can support you so no need to work”. Which, again, its totally okay if that is what both of you plan on.

Overall, I think what you need to do is re-programming the way you are seeing things. From your last post it appears you are doing this in order to have a family (you keep bringing up the baby issue A LOT). Maybe instead of thinking “I am making this sacrifice to be with him”, which could lead to resentment in the future (what if he doesn’t make a similar sacrifice later in life?), you could think “I am making this sacrifice so we can both start a family soon”? It does seems that this is your final goal in your relationship, which is 100% valid, so maybe rephrasing would take away some of the bad feelings.

 

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GreenGables: For me, it would be the same even if they had been 50+ years married. I have no problem with wanting to focus on your relationship rather than on your career. If that is what someone wants, then I support it 100%. My deal with this scenario is that OP is not doing something because she doesn’t want to be away from him (read above), so the issue is: she wants to take the job, but because HE can not follow her she won’t take it. This, in my experience, can lead to a lot of troubles as she might always feel she sacrifice something big out of love and would expect the same from him.

What would happen if he was offered a temporary position abroad (say two months) and he decides it would be for the best if she didn’t follow him (dangerous place, money issues, homing problems, kids, etc.)? Would she resent him for not sacrifying this? Would she hesitate to let him go because  if she couldn’t be away from him before, why could he so easily be away from her? Those are questions that might arise, because OP might feel she has given much more into her relationship than him.

Hopefully, OP will never have to face anything like this. But I know a lot of woman (my mom included) who secretly feel they have sacrificed more for their husbands, than they have done it for them.

I do believe it to be a personal choice, and because of so I never told her she was wrong. I merely stated that I wouldn’t do it, and disagree with people who do it. Yet, disagree doesn’t mean I think less of them or anything like that. Different circumstances have diferent consequences. As many previous posts have mentioned, maybe the right approachs would be to think “In my life plan, my s.o. and I have X, Y, and Z. In order to achieve this, it would be for the best that s.o. doesn’t quit.” If so, yes, you might be making a sacrifice that feels as if it is for someone else, but in reality you are doing it for both of you.

Now, there is one key element in her discourse that she keps repeating: “he is going to marry me” and “I am going to be engaged”. It makes me wonder if maybe a big reason she isn’t taking that job is because she is holding to the belief that if she left, he might not propose (just wondering, though). What if the proposal doesn’t arrive? What if he waits until december or next year? This sacrifice could bring a lot of stress to her relationship.

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