- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey
I doesnt sound like you completely gave it up for your SO. It sounds like you gave it up for the both of you as a couple. It does or eventually benefits you too that he can stay where he is and make twice your salary, and can afford for you not to work when the time comes. So while you gave it up to stay and be with him, it wasn’t totally *for* him imo.
My Fiance recently moved halfway across the country for a job that pays about 60% of what his previous one did. I am about to follow him there–meaning I have to also quit my stable well paying job and find a new one. While FI’s new job is a downgrade financially, it is a massive step forward professionally, so there was no way he was turning it down. It’s an amazing opportunity for him and something he’s been working towards his whole life. Honestly, I didn’t think twice about following him there, although I did insist on getting engaged beforehand.
My situation and yours are actually kind of opposite though, now that I think about it. Fiance is you in this situation…he got a lower paying job (than his previous and my current job) and we’re both moving across the country for it. The reason I am okay with this is because a) it’s a very strong step towards his dream job and he’s worked for this his whole life; b) though my current job is stable and well paying, I don’t love it, in fact I’m kind of excited to try something new; and c) we are engaged, so I know our commitment to each other is solid and forever. I think if any one of those three things weren’t true, it would have been a much harder decision for me.
Yes there was a lot involved in my decision making and we did it together. It was ‘our’ decision really. When i think about the possibility of taking the job but then losing a life with him, that will cause me more pain than passing up and opportunity now.
It is actually really comforting to me to know that even when we were living in a place that had nothing going for it other than being with my Fiance, I was still happier because of him than I was in the perfect city with good job/friends/etc. How many people can know that for sure? It is such a blessing in terms of how confident I feel in our relationship to have that data point.
I also agree with PP that it is important to believe that the other person has the same priorities as you and would make a similar choice. Again, I am fortunate to know this is true, because we recently moved across the country because I got a better job here. He left his career entirely, in part because it required him to travel a lot and we didn’t see each other as much as we wanted to. He is struggling to find meaningful work, but he is happier here than he was when he was always traveling. It may never happen for you that circumstances arise that cause him to be the one to make that choice, but it is important to know that he would consider it.
What newlywednewbie is saying is very important, and it helped me frame my decision to my friends and family. You are not moving for him. You are moving for you, and for the unit you are becoming. You are moving because it makes you happy. You are not sacrificing for him, you are compromising for your family. Don’t lose sight of that (and make sure it’s true before you go or have some plan to move back if it turns out not to be true!!) and you’ll be happy and not resentful.
FWIW, we didn’t get engaged right away after I moved there so we could be together. In fact, we got engaged after we moved here. That’s because that was the right time for us to take that step. Everything happened in its right time. Knowing that we were both willing to compromise for our relationship and our mutual happiness is a big reason that we know we are ready for a life-long committment – we’ve already shown how committed we are to each other. Which, if you think about it, SHOULD come before you make the religious or legal committment. Also, no need at all for the legal commitment if you truly are committed to each other – you decide when you become a unit, a family, not an engagement ring or a wedding ceremony.
I moved for my Fiance, so I gave up being able to see my family as often as I would like. I moved years ago while we were just dating. Part of me wanted to get out of the small town I grew up in and head to a bigger city, but mostly I just wanted to be closer to him.
Turns out it works for us and I still see my family a lot :). It’s only a 3 hour drive.
But I still gave up the compfort of my home town, friends, etc.
I could go on but I don’t need to defend or justify my position on the Weddingbee, of all places. My spouse is fine with our dynamic and I must be doing something right–my stepdaughter has asked to spend more time over our house and with me, specifically. Amazing how far things like caring, effort, respect, and time goes, isn’t it?
Now. I think I’ll get on with the rest of my night. Sans judgment.
For the record, I might not feel for my stepdaughter as if she is my own (because, well…she’s not my own). But I do care for her an awful lot. That’s enough for her and my husband. That’s what counts, right? Not the “haters.” 😉 That’s just peripheral noise.
Just want to say I’m glad I came across this thread. I met my ex-FI while working a temporary job in a really remote area with low job prospects and a good 10-12 hours drive from family. I stayed for him, even took a more permanent job that I didn’t really want and a big pay cut. He wanted to stay in his very small town and I wanted to live an hour away (in a town we both loved and spent a lot of time in) for a little while, to have more of a social life, thereby easing my homesickness a little bit. This was a dealbreaker for him and he dumped me in the worst way possible. Looking back over our relationship I need two hands to count the compromises and sacrifices I was making/was willing to make for him. And he was willing to make zero for me. He was not willing to let the vision he has for his life change at all, not even for someone he was going to marry. He wanted me to just “fit” into his already existing vision.
Even though I’m still sad about the breakup I’m learning that this was all wrong. It helps to read stories about other people whose SOs are more than willing to make compromises for them. It’s a good reminder that both partners have to be willing to sacrifice in order for a healthy relationship to work out.
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