Have you ever had a bad gut feeling about a person who is friends with your SO?

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
1647 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I don’t know, OP. Seems like you’ve already given this woman a few chances and she blew you off. Why bend over backwards for a random woman who you don’t enjoy being around and who you have a bad feeling about? And I think your husband is being sketchy. He is in frequent social media contact with her and yet you’ve barely heard her mentioned. Hmmm.

Post # 47
Member
1647 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“I’ve been married for 10 years. There is only room for one woman in his life and that’s his wife. We don’t keep “close” friends of the opposite sex…” 

Though I think the OP is right to go with her gut on the work friend, I find the idea of not having close friends of the opposite sex sad and unnecessary. Why? Because you think your spouse will cheat? Because you must have all the attention for yourself and any other woman is perceived as competition? There is room for many women in my husband’s life and I have no right to tell him otherwise, nor would I want to. Life is too short to isolate yourself or your partner from friendship. I have found that trying to exert that kind of extreme control over another person often backfires.

Post # 48
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2008

mimivac :  

It’s not control. It’s respecting my spouse and protecting my marriage. And he agrees. I don’t tell him he can and cannot do anything and he doesn’t tell me I can and cannot do anything. We don’t boss each other around, there’s just things you don’t do or invite into your marriage. Why would I treat another man the same way I treat my husband? Why would I give another man the time and attention I could give my husband? I have close friends and rewarding relationships and none of them are men. You have to have boundaries. Otherwise you’re gonna be like OP, posting here wondering what is truly going on.

Post # 49
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

sf618b :  I don’t think that’s a fair statement. If it works for you and your marriage, that’s fine, but to say it is the cause of issues is just not true. I have close friends of the opposite sex, my fiance has close friends of the opposite sex, and neither of us are wondering what’s going on with them. We’re not going to throw away friendships that have been there for years just because we’re together now.

I know I can trust him, and he knows he can trust me. Honestly, if I felt like I couldn’t trust him to have friends of the opposite sex, I wouldn’t see much point in continuing the relationship.

Post # 50
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

sf618b :  Thank you, thank you! You won’t get much support on these boards for that statement but girl someone needs to say it. There are just some things that you don’t invite into your life! It has nothing to do with fear or suspicion and everything to do with respect and common sense. 

You just don’t have another woman/man hanging around your spouse/marriage and for the love of God you don’t let a single person come live with you! You don’t invite that kind of dynamic into your life cause then you’re gonna be back on these boards, mad and hurt when he’s cheating with this person, wants an open relationship or a threesome and you “have no idea” where that came from.

As for the OP, shut that shit down. Whether it’s her crush, his ego and her flattery or something else, it needs to be shut down now. Hell it needed to be shut down yesterday, when he invited that unknown female to your wedding but better late than never. 

Post # 51
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t necessarily thinks it’s bad to have friends of the opposite sex. My husband and I do. Family friends or people you’ve known for a long time are one thing. A spouse who goes to work and “becomes ” best friends with an opposite sex coworker to the point where they hang out like old friends who’ve know each other forever is another thing. I would not do that and my husband wouldn’t either. If that happened that would spell bad news in my eyes.

Post # 55
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

beantime :  I agree so much with this! One of my absolute best friends is a man. He was even a bridesman in our wedding! We have never been anything other than platonic friends, and my husband is totally comfortable with the friendship. I would think my husband was unreasonable for expecting me to drop a lifelong friend who I’d never been intimate with, and my husband would never ask that of me. However, I also have male friends at work that I met since dating my husband. That’s a horse of a different color. We are work friends, and we talk a lot at work about each others’ families and our travels with our spouses. But we don’t have each others’ phone numbers and we don’t hang out outside of work. We don’t interact on social media. If we ever did hang out it would be with a large group and we would certainly invite our spouses. I’d never cross any lines. It’s just different. 

Post # 56
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

campingbee54 :  Exactly! There’s a difference. Everyone should be able to maintain friendships but I would side eye my husband if a work relationship meant THAT much to him. Not that it couldn’t happen but I would expect to be very aware of those interactions and have the ability to express concern if it existed. And to have my feelings fully acknowledged.

Post # 57
Member
289 posts
Helper bee

I once had it put to me so perfectly:

“Make sure that any friends either of you have-regardless of gender–are also friends of the relationship.”

“Friends” in this context just generally means they’re aware you’re in a relationship and also fully respect and support that fact.

Post # 58
Member
3493 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

bluesky355 :  mid 20s and mid 30s sometimes isn’t such a big difference, especially if she takes care of herself and looks good. 

The facts are that they have a relationship where they’re liking and commenting on eachothers posts, he’s inviting her over to your personal get togethers and WEDDING, and you’re paranoid and checking out their posts. Her behavior is making you feel uncomfortable and suspicious, and you have the right to make it stop.

Hes your husband. Let him know you don’t want her at any of your events anymore. I agree with a PP and don’t buy that she’s “overheard” him talking and that’s why she gets invited. He is inviting her personally. You don’t have to like all of his co-workers of approve of all of his opposite sex friends. It’s fine to draw lines. You don’t need to justify why or explain yourself, just tell him that you don’t like her and don’t want her at any more of your functions, period, no negotiating this.

Good luck.

Post # 59
Member
693 posts
Busy bee

I agree with you 100%. My boyfriend and I have no opposite sex friends that we spend one on one time with. He has a sister and cousins and some female coworkers whom he is friends with but he never sees those coworkers outside of work without their husbands around and unless it’s a gathering of some kind. He has no texting relationship with these coworkers either. He is just a much friends with the coworker as he is her husband. It’s natural for us. We aren’t forcing the other person to not have opposite sex friends, it’s just that we don’t have any and don’t feel the need. I have my girlfriends and my guy cousins and he has his guy friends and sister and mom and we both have zero interest in making random friends with people of the opposite sex. 

I hate when people get all uplift about it and act like to be healthy you have to let your partner have close female relationships. Um no. It’s not the sign of a healthy relationship. We are both independent people who have social lives independent of each other. And we don’t have to have close friendships with the opposite sex to do so. 

 

sf618b :  

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