Post # 1
Have you ever had one of those days where all of your excitment is gone and you think to yourself: “Ugh, this is never gonna happen.”? I’m having one of those days.
I think turning 30 finally hit me last night. And it hit me HARD. I was out shopping with my b/f, buying baby stuff for my cousin’s baby shower this weekend. My b/f asked: “How old is Bri? She must be 25 because her husband is also 25”. Then I remembered that yes, she must be 25 because I am significantly older than her. And then it hit me…
My 25 year old cousin has already been married a year and is about to have a baby in September. Wow. I’m 30 years old and I have none of that. NONE!! It’s not jealousy that i’m feeling, and I know it’s not a race. But for the love of god… I’m 30 and I’m nowhere near where I want to be. And the sad thing is, is that I have no control over it whatsoever. I guess I’m just feeling really down about the whole waiting process today. Some days I feel great and I feel like it could be any day now. But then some days I think that it’s nowhere in sight and I’m being stringed along (which my b/f denies he’s doing). I want to ask my b/f for a timeline… HIS timeline, but I’m scared of what he’ll say. If it’s something I won’t like, I’m not sure if I’ll have the guts to say: “Well, if all we’re going to do is TALK about this stuff then tell me, so that I can move on”.
Ugh. I balled my eyes out yesterday.
Post # 3
ASK. My guy assumed it was perfectly safe for me to have kids until I’m at least 40, when birth defects/high risk pregnancies start cropping up in the mid-30s for my family (no pregnancies after my 33rd birthday.) By pointing out my family’s fertility stuff, he realized his 3-5 year timeline wasn’t going to work. He’s agreed to propose in a year or we’re done.
In my case, the initial conversation was VERY tense. When I brought it up again, we were able to work out a compromise.
There’s also the vague possibility that he’s waiting for you to bring it up. Never know.
Post # 4
Oh hon I’m so sorry! I’m having one of those “waiting days” too.
And it is SO HARD not to compare yourself/your relationship to others. Especially family, and especially when they’re younger than you. Uggh.
I don’t have the clock-ticking desire to get pregnant and waiting is still FRICKIN’ HARD for me. I’m feeling apathetic today. Not disappointed or excited. Just numb.
I hope you feel better soon! There are good days and bad days.
And I wouldn’t be afraid to ask for his timeline, if he has one. Ok, I have to say the first time I asked my Boyfriend or Best Friend I was afraid! Maybe don’t do it today when you’re feeling crummy. Do it on a day you can be calm and not totally fall apart emotionally if he doesn’t say what you want to hear. You’re absolutely right you have to be prepared for that and be ready to let go. Let go of your expectations, and even be ready to let go of the relationship if his answer is too long for you to wait.
Post # 5
@cyneswith: yeah, guys don’t naturally (and obsessively) think about this the same way we do.
And I remember what lezlers said on another thread, that it’s time to put your foot down about the casual “talking” about marriage/kids. That wears on your nerves. Find out his REAL timeline and then say “no more wedding talk until we’re engaged”. Becuase it makes it torturous and can feel like teasing.
Post # 6
But for the love of god… I’m 30 and I’m nowhere near where I want to be. And the sad thing is, is that I have no control over it whatsoever.
This is exactly how I feel except subsitute 8 months til I turn 30. I’m not really sure how to deal with it. I DO get tired of people telling me stop living by a time line. Uh, NO. If I were, I could have married any old piece of man before my SO and I were even together, LOL, thus having me stick to a timeline.
Post # 7
I’ll be 33 in October. I was elated to see Miss Alanis Morissette announce her pregnancy today and she is 36. I don’t think she has been married that long either.
I struggle too with feelings of not being where I need to be in this life…..
Post # 8
Oh, I feel you girl! I’m 32 and starting to feel like Flava Flav over here! Tick TOCK. I’m fortunately having a pretty good waiting day today, Monday was a bad one though. SO realized what was going on when I freaked out over dropping a piece of sausage when I was making dinner and ended up throwing it across the kitchen. Bless his heart though, he just silently went behind me, picked it up and backed slowly out of the kitchen. And that is why I will continue to wait.
Waiting really is a “one day at a time” thing. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. 🙁
Post # 9
@lezlers: Apron for you: “WARNING: Don’t Piss Off the Cook” 😉
Post # 10
I can understand where you’re coming from. I was bummed that I wasn’t going back to school with an engagement story, but I was adjusting back to my old schedule. Well, an e-mail is sent out, and the ELL teacher got engaged over the summer. I felt so frustrated! I so badly wanted that to be “my” news. It should be coming soon, though, so I just have to be patient. Then, we had another one go out that another girl is pregnant. I’m okay with the pregnant thing right now, but the fact that these two girls are my age…it just got to me. I know it isn’t a race, but I’m starting to feel like underdeveloped plant life here!
Post # 11
Aww Gwen – I think most of us feel your pain! My partner is 4 years older than me and he constantly says “you aren’t that old, why do we need to rush?” and I am like “I am 28 now, but I don’t think we will be getting married until I am 30 at best”
He should know better than anyone that we are facing fertility issues in the future as I have been through a few surgeries in our time together, and I don’t see a point in waiting anymore because if we want to have kids, we would want to start thinking about that while I am in my early 30s!
Have you ever asked your boyfriend for a timeline? I would try to find out what he is thinking because its not fair to you to be crying out of frustration.
Post # 12
Oh girl, I feel you. I just had a 20 minute conversation with myself about what I would say to him if he asked if I want to visit the diamond district next week when we’re in NYC. We’ve been to Tiffany’s twice. We’ve walked the diamond district, two years ago. We went ring shopping three years ago. I know budget is holding him back but I’m at my breaking point. We had a chat last weekend and things are better but for this lady, the idea of walking around looking at diamonds, ‘just for fun’ sounds like hell. I might be one step away from crazy sauce but it’s an important step.
Post # 13
@artichokey: no it’s not crazy, it’s good self-care. If you’ve looked at diamonds before and it just serves to work you into a frenzy while he’s still taking his time regarding engagement, then it absolutely would be hell to look at diamonds “for fun”. Seriously!
Post # 14
Thank you so much for the comfort everyone.
We have never visited a jewellery store, but I’d LOVE to go!!. Sometimes I would playfully mention going and he’d give me a smart remark about it and we wouldn’t go. We’ve only ever talked about our future. We’ve lived together for one year, and dated for 3 years. I just don’t know when to bring up the subject because I’m starting to HATE talking about it.
Post # 15
I cried today too. I’ve been really down. Is it PMS or is it depression becuase my birthday is in 2 days and I’ve had to consciously lower my expectationss for my birthday and our anniversary next week. Spend all this energy not getting my hopes up. Blah. I guess I’m feeling the disappointment now, maybe I’ll be OK once the weekend comes…?
It DID NOT HELP that a friend asked what we were doing for my birthday, and I told her, and she said “OMG you are totally getting engaged!!!!”
Like I need any help setting myself up to be disappointed.
If you are sick of talking about it you can drop it for a few days/weeks/months until you have a clear head. Then talk seriuosly and straight to the point. Shouldn’t take more than 2 sentences. Keep it simple. Not that you can take my word for it….if i’m engaged by the end of BF’s “timeline” (October) you’ll obviously be the first to know. Then we’ll see if my communication style worked.
Post # 16
I totally feel you. Yesterday I found out that my cousin proposed to his girlfriend. I wanted to be happy for him, but it just made me mad. I’m the oldest girl in the family, and have been in a relationship the longest of the cousins. He’s two years younger than me and has only been with this girl a year. I know it’s a dumb thing to be upset about, but it really got to me yesterday. My boyfriend (who is a third year med student) has made comments lately that allude to not getting engaged until he is a Resident with an income… which is about two years away. I can’t even bring myslef to have the “timeline” conversation for real because I get worked up and don’t want to start a fight. While I get that he wants to be able to afford to not just rely on our parents for a wedding, it’s getting really frustrating. A year ago I moved half way across the county to be with him while he’s in school, and would like to at least be able to call him my fiancee when I tell people this. We’re pratically married already, but it’s just not the same. Le sigh. In the meantime, the boy is on call at the hospital so I will eat cake a watch Bravo.