(Closed) Have you ever invited a guest against your better judgment… then regretted it

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
2641 posts
Sugar bee

So sorry.  I personally haven’t dealt with that.  Once in a while people write about a similar experience as you.  So you are not alone.

While she is difficult, try to let what she does not bother you too much, since she has a serious condition.  (I’m assuming you meant that literally.)  As for your wedding, I can see why you wouldn’t want any drama.  How does your Fiance feel about talking to his brother?  Is his brother in position to be symapthetic to your situation?  If he is understanding, perhaps he can stick up for you, and go without her.  Or at least make sure she is taking her meds, so she’s stable when she goes.

If he’s not likely to be understanding, then Ithink you have to give them enough slack to allow her to go.  But have Fiance make sure his brother knows that if she causes a scene, she will be expected to leave, escorted out, etc.

Post # 4
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

If your SO is on board with you – then dont invite her. Youll have to deal with the brother, but that will probably be better than the drama that could insue if she was there. 

Post # 5
624 posts
Busy bee

Weddings are triggers for BPD’s so I totally get why you don’t want her there!  I’m not inviting my BPD.  I also hear you that you only want people there that support you- I whole heartedly agree with that.

If you end up inviting her, make sure you assign her “keepers”, one of which could be her husband.  If she acts out in any way have them escort her out, no questions asked.  I would also ask your Fiance to talk to his brother and give him a heads up and see if your Future Brother-In-Law could talk to his wife and let her know that it would be nice if she was on her best behavior and if she acts out she will be escorted out for the evening.

Post # 6
1205 posts
Bumble bee

WOW.  That’s tough!  Not sure how to get around it other than to just tell FI’s brother what you just said – you only want people there who support you!  Maybe she’ll be relieved!

We left a girl off the list who is just a nut-job.  She was part of one of those circles of friends that you really can’t split up.  BUT her behavior on regular nights out was INSANE – falling down drunk, mooning people, getting in peoples faces etc.  Not once or twice, but every single night out.  She’s off the list and the entire rest of the circle understands. 

Good luck!

Post # 8
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

gosh you are in a tough spot! It is good to hear that everyone in the family knows and understands how crazy she is. I agree with the other posts saying to have someone as her “keeper” and that it is known that if she does act out, she will be asked to leave quietly.
This is you and your Fiance day and I hope she is not mean enough to try to ruin it for you!

Post # 9
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I’m sorry about your situation. I feel you and understand. I have a similar one. its not a family member but one of my bm who I’ve know more than half my life is married to a guy we just don’t want at the wedding. He and Fiance recently had a falling out and that was jsut the last straw, we can no longer just tolerate him for her sake or for the sake of his brother who is a good friend and in our wedding party as well. I’m getting that nervous feeling in my stomach as I type this. LOL I hope it all works out for you!

Post # 10
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Gosh that is a hard one.  I think that you almost have to invite her to not create turmoil within the family.  If she gets out of line at the wedding then ask to have her leave with the brother. 

Post # 11
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

no, and i hope i don’t.

Post # 12
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think you should talk to fbil with your fiance and just let him know you are concerned that the wedding may be too much/stressful for his wife and let him know its okay if they need to bow out since past family gatherings have resulted in inappropriate outbursts. Or perhaps talk to your fiances parents about it and see if they can broker the situation. If you fsil has BPD chances are his family knows this and if she does something, you can just quietly explain so to your family. I think not inviting her will only cause more problems down the road.

Post # 13
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

i dont know how you can not invite the woman – she is your FI’s brother wife, your future SIL.  if hubby was invited to his brothers wedding but i wasnt, i suspect all hell would break out – especially if my personality was like this womans

is your Future Brother-In-Law in the wedding party? maybe you can sit them strategically.  does your Future Brother-In-Law acknowledge that his wife is a highly strung nutcase?   if you exclude her from your wedding you are going to have a marriage long enemy on your hands which will might make things difficult for your hubbys parents. sometimes its better to just suck the lemon and smile than create a problem that can split a family forever

yikes – goodluck with this one!

Post # 14
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

i think it’ll be worse if you don’t invite her. shit will hit the fan far worse than if you do and wing it. If she gets inappropriate, you can have her removed. too bad you can’t accidentally slip her something to chill her out….=P

Post # 15
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I agree, things will be much, MUCH worse if you don’t invite her.  If it’s any consolation, I cannot stand SIL’s Boyfriend or Best Friend.  They’ve been together for 3 years and live together, so I had to invite him.  I barely realized he was there the whole day.  Seriously, the only time I noticed him was when I did table visits.  We only had 80 people, so it wasn’t a big wedding either!  For the sake of family peace, invite her, have some handlers (we’d talked to close family members about potential drama situations, and they were on the lookout, ready to deal with anything that came up) and just enjoy the day.

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