(Closed) Have you ever not given a gift?

posted 4 years ago in Gifts and Registries
  • poll: Have you ever not given a gift to the bride and groom?
    No, I have always given a gift (actual present or cash/check) whenever I have attended a wedding : (93 votes)
    73 %
    Yes, there have been a few times I have not given a gift when I have attended a wedding : (25 votes)
    20 %
    Yes, I have never given a gift when I have attended a wedding : (3 votes)
    2 %
    Other (please explain below) : (6 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 31
    769 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: Saint Domingue

    llevinso:  Yep, because there was a HUGE blowout with my fiance’s nephew and his wife excluding outnolder three children (none of my four children are blood related to fiance) from the wedding but “allowing” my youngest to come.  My fiancé called up and explained how incredibly much it hurt to have three of his five children excluded from the wedding and, on top of that, the wedding fell on our daughters 16th birthday and there was no way we were leaving her alone all day on her special day.  The groom (nephew wasn’t budging, claiming there was “no space,” something we learned was not true.)

    In the end my fiancé and I went to the ceremony of his nephew/godson’s wedding (my fiance had a huge part in raising the groom: changed his diapers, babysat at a moment’s notice, took him on fishing/camping trips, coached his sports teams, etc, etc.) and NOT the reception. We went home and celebrated out daughter’s sixteenth with our little family and my fiance, a VERY big proponent of “you treat your elders with respect and your family like family) was so hurt and angry he refused to give a gift. 

    Of course, this is the bride who, for her shower, her psychotic mother sent out invites stating that at the ripe old age of 23, the bride and groom already had everything they needed (despite having three registries filled with things the average person could never afford) and so a cash gift was desired for the shower so they could buy themselves something “big” and even put on the invitation A SUGGESTED MINIMUM MONETARY GIFT AMOUNT OF $35 per each guest!!!!!!!!!!!

    So, my fiancé feels a tad bad looking back on it, but then I just remind him of the shower debacle and he stops immediately. 

    Post # 32
    54 posts
    Worker bee

    I have always gived a cash gift. ALWAYS

    Unless it’s cash bar so I keep the cash (lol jk. never been to a CB wedding thank gawd) 

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Khaleesy.
    • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  Khaleesy.
    Post # 33
    307 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    i was the Maid/Matron of Honor in a wedding where i bought a rediculously expensive gown ($556 :(, jewlery, professional hair & makeup, and this crazy expensive crystal headband the bride wanted me to wear ) threw her 2 showers (one for “his” side, one for “her” side as i was the only one in a central location with a home big enough to host) paid for the bachelorette party food, entertainment, liquor, decorations myself, plus my daughter was the flower girl so i paid for all of her expenses also. i spent about $1300 total for the wedding only to be changing in the bathroom the morning of the wedding and overheard some unkind remarks from another Bridesmaid or Best Man and the bride! Needless to say immediatelty after i was changed, i took their card (which had cash inside of it) put it right back into my purse and wrote that couple off for good. 

    Post # 34
    376 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

    I’m only 24, so I don’t really have married friends. I’ll be 27 by the time I’m actually married lol With that said, I’ve been to weddings of close and distant family members, or family friends, and have never given a gift (and when I was younger my family didn’t give gifts either). I honestly didn’t know it was expected. I didn’t get any presents on my first wedding/marriage (granted, I was 17 when I got married so perhaps no one felt the need to lol) and I didn’t even know to expect some. Perhaps it’s cuz I’m from Puerto Rico? This website is the first place I’ve ever heard of giving gifts to people for getting married or engaged lol 

    Post # 35
    7910 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I always have a gift for the newlyweds. However, at our wedding, we specifically asked only for their presence, so several guests followed our recommendation, which we appreciated. 

    Post # 36
    1326 posts
    Bumble bee

    ilovesophia:  EllyAnne:  

    Yeah, EllyAnne is right. For example, my package for my wedding included an evening buffet for 40 people… But my day time guests were full from the breakfast so they weren’t going to eat it! 

    It’s 100% the norm here in the UK to invite people to celebrate with you. It’s not considered “tacky” or anything else, ever, by anyone. In general I prefer an evening invite unless I’m very close to the people because then I don’t have to take the whole day out and spend the day awkwardly milling around. 

    We also do cash bars as standard in the evening, after the breakfast which includes wine. Shock horror! OMG, my whole country is so tacky, I know, I’ve been told repeatedly. 

    Post # 37
    200 posts
    Helper bee

    As an adult, I would never attend a wedding without giving the couple a gift! The only times I did not give gifts on my own was when I was younger and went to weddings with my parents, and they gave a gift from our family because we were invited as a family. That isn’t something I would do now. I have also sent wedding gifts to a couple of friends whose weddings I was unable to attend. A few of our wedding guests did not give gifts, cards, or anything. I think it’s a little strange, but oh well…

    Post # 38
    2507 posts
    Sugar bee

    truthah:  ….where on this board did anyone call that tacky or pass any such judgement about the cultural difference? I know it happens on other boards, but I never said anything of the sort…i only asked for an explanation, and then thanked her for explaining since I’m not acquainted with the U.K. Custom

    Post # 39
    664 posts
    Busy bee

    I think the only time it is remotely acceptable to not gift is if you’re part of the wedding or if you have to worry about airfare and lodging. These things get expensive but you should still endeavor to give them something, even if it’s very small. 

    I was raised (Asian) to try and give enough cash to cover your attendance. My parents believe that it is the responsibility of the community to help the couple (financially in this case) have a successful marriage. They believe the worst thing for a marriage is to start it in debt. I agree and thankfully my partner agrees with my gifting practices. 

    Post # 40
    1381 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    When I was young and unfamiliar with wedding etiquette, I went to the wedding of a co worker I was not very close to and just completely forgot. But i was invited only to the ceremony and dancing (and yes I am in the US) and not dinner, so I didn’t cost them anything more than a single beer. So I don’t feel too bad although I should have dropped them a nice card at least.

    Post # 41
    119 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: March 2017 - Ceremony: Cellon Oak Park; Reception: Alachua Woman\'s Club

    The first several weddings I went to as a +1 with my now fiancé we apparently didn’t bring a gift. They were all weddings of guy friends of his. I didn’t realize this however until I randomly asked him what he had gotten the couple as their wedding gift after like the 3rd wedding we had been to and he looked at me with a perplexed look on his face. He had never been to any weddings in his life before his friends started getting married (no family weddings, nothing) and had absolutely no idea that it was customary to bring a gift! He has since been educated lol and we now usually either get something off of the wedding registry or give a card with cash.

    Post # 42
    346 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    ilovesophia:  I think truth ah was just explaining the customs there further.  I don’t think she meant it in a negative way and was trying to joke a little at the end since most of us are from the US and I’m sure she reads our crazy customs and expectations.

    I have always given a gift since I was 20 or the first wedding I attended alone without my parents.  I’m in the northeast and at our wedding we received cash gifts from every wedding Couple.  I’ve been in a bunch of weddings now as a MOh and Bm and spent around 1200-1500 but I still gave a gift.

    The only time I had been taken back was when I went to my girlfriend’s wedding.  She is of Indian decent and I had never been to a very traditional Indian wedding before.  She participated in the bridal shower tradition like an American wedding but on the card put “please no boxed gifts, monetary gifts preferred” but also included a registry sheet.  So I purchased a few items off the registry and made a little basket and went to her shower.  Again on the wedding invitation it had the same line “please no boxed gifts, monetary gifts preferred” I was taken aback asked my mom and she just took it as gift grabby and rude but we always give cash at the actual wedding.  After the wedding a couple months later I made a comment about the line on the invitations for the shower and wedding to her and how I was confused when going to the shower if a gift was appropriate or not.   She then explained that in her culture if they did not have that line on there, her elders would have brought tons and tons of Buddhist trinkets as gifts and it is common to have that on your invitations to help guide the elders and have them limit the amount of trinkets they are given.  I will say that wedding was the most extravagant thing I have ever been to and was so gorgeous and I feel lucky to have seen and participated in another cultures customs for the day.

    Post # 43
    2600 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Yes, once, but not by choice. Not that this excuses it, but it does perhaps explain how we could have done it and never had to deal with consequences, it was for a grad school colleague in the final year that either of us was on campus–meaning, we went our separate ways about 2 months after the wedding and I haven’t seen him (or his wife) since. I’m not kidding when I tell you that we literally forgot and then time went by and we sort of …{{sad trombone}}. 

    Whatever–I was also in the habit of eating leftover food left out in hallways after lectures back then. 

    Post # 44
    1890 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’ve never not given a gift, but a few times I’ve not been given a thank you note, so I sort of wish I had? (Kidding. Kind of.)

    Post # 45
    3285 posts
    Sugar bee

    I voted other. There has only been one time we didn’t give a gift. We had spent a lot of time helping the couple with the wedding and spent $3500 to attend. I think all of the help we gave them and just the fact we attended was enough.

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