(Closed) have you ever thought your friend was a bad mother? (long)

posted 9 years ago in Babies
Post # 17
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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@fellowbee: Completrly understand.  Maybe cause I’ve known children that have been abused by their mother’s boyfriends, I don’t believe in having a child stay in a risky situation.  I’m not saying that is what’s happening but I always question. 

Will it be possible to talk to her family to gage how they feel about the situation?  Sometimes it takes family to talk to step up and say enough is enough.  I know in the situations in my family, family literally let it be known hat the child stays while they figure out their life.  One situation Services had to be called cause calls to the police wasn’t enough.(Ex SIL) Pure craziness but what had to be done was done. 

Sending up lots of prayers for you, her and her daughter.

Post # 19
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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@fellowbee: If the daughter was born here and he’s not a citizen, he may not have any legal rights to his daughtr in this country.  It gets really ugly when its an international custody issue. Remember the case where the father was fighting for custody after his ex wife died in Brazil.  Unfortunately due to international custody laws, most parents resort to kidnapping.

Post # 20
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

When it comes to children, you absolutely have to step in and do the uncomfortable thing.  If she won’t listen when you try to talk with her (and talking with people like this is usually pointless), then make your case to the father.  If he is fit and he has family to assist him, then he needs to step-up and do what is best for his daughter.  Is it possible that your friend has an undiagnosed disorder?  What you’ve described sounds so much like my friend’s mother, who was undiagnosed bi-polar for many years and took her children from home to home and man to man until my friend was abused by the new “love” in her mother’s life. 

Would you and your husband be willing to provide a home for the little girl?  If only temporary, at least she’d be safe.  In the meantime, her father could make plans for claiming her and file for custody. 

I don’t mean to sound hateful toward your friend, but what she is blindly doing will change this child’s life forever and could potentially have consequences even your friend would regret.  I think you have to do everything you can to prevent that, even if it means manipulating her by suggesting that it would be easier on her if her daughter stayed with you until she gets settled.  If you are truly concerned and feel you can’t do anything else, report her to CPS.  It is that bad.  Meeting random guys in a bar and “falling in love” while bringing her young daughter around those men is dangerous. 

I know your hands are basically tied, but I think you have to try. 

Post # 21
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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@Pinksapphire: Thanx.  He’s my fav player and I was hoping my future babby daddy. Dh is totally against the idea.

Post # 22
Member
7367 posts
Busy Beekeeper

In order to answer this honestly, I would have to create another account. Lets us say alot of what you describe I can totally relate to. I know two moms are really sadly lacking and it makes me so angry. All I can do is to be their for the kids to fill in the spots where the moms lack. Sadly there is very little to do. Even when you speak to women like this they are so self centered they think of themselves as “victims” .

Post # 23
Member
822 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

i have a friend who refused to feed her newborn more than 2 ounces every four hours.  I’m not a mom so I really couldn’t say anything but others were trying to feed the poor guy because he was always crying because he was hungry.  she would say, “nope. he has to wait 22 more minutes before he can have another 2 ounces.”  i asked a few other friends and they said that they never really counted the ounces because they breastfed and let their baby eat until the baby was full.  another friend checked with her pediatrician sister and her sister said that wasn’t enough formula.  i thought it was ironic that she didn’t want her baby to get fat and yet she had gained a lot of weight over the last few years and never denied herself any food.  i couldn’t say anything because I didn’t go through it.  I even kept my mouth shut when she asked for a breast pump, I bought it and she tried using it once before giving up.

Post # 24
Member
9024 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@profiterole: wow she was worried about her newborn getting fat? thats extreme, some babies are hungrier than others so thats a bit harsh to let the baby stay hungry because she didnt want him to be fat.

Post # 26
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

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@fellowbee:  I know I’m emotional on this one, because of what my friend lived through with a mother like this, so please forgive me for coming on strong.  I think you need to throw etiquette out the window.  You aren’t trying to spare feelings; you’re trying to change a child’s life.  He needs to know your concerns.  Hurt feelings can mend with time.  I’d call him and talk with him.  I’m not sure how he would be offended that you think his daughter is safer living with him right now.  You can ask that he not let your friend know you called, but you can’t guarantee he won’t.  Which consequence will you be able to live with ten years from now?  Offending your friend who is behaving this way or speaking up to help a child?

 

Post # 27
Member
2828 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

This is depressing.

The fact that she is actively dating random men/handing out with them in front of her kid is laying the psychological groundwork for her daughter to fall into the same behaviour patterns when she is older.

Not only is she being unrealistic, but she’s being selfish. If she really truly just wants to find “the man of her dreams” and have 400 babies with him, then she should sign away custody of her current child to the obviously more stable ex. Seriously.It would be less damaging in the long run rather than continue to subject her daughter to negelct and emotional abuse. How do you think a kid processes that kind of behaviour? Guilt & blame (toward themselves) for not “making mommy happy” or being “good enough” for mommy.

I forsee long legal struggles and hefty counsellor fees in the future :/

 

Post # 29
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

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@fellowbee:  I’m thankful that little girl has you… you never know what small effort of yours will make a huge difference in her life. 

Post # 30
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It’s a good thing she has you. I’m just hoping her mother doesn’t retaliate by preventing you from spending time with her after you express your concerns. Frown

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