(Closed) Have you ever waited til the reception to fill in the gift amount?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 138
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

 

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@abbie017:
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@VegasSukie:  Sure, if you want to put it that way. Like I said, I give based on closeness to the couple and my own financial situation, but I’m more likely to be extra generous to people who can’t afford a giant, lavish wedding, because the same amount of money is likely to give them a disproportionate amount of enjoyment/assistance than a couple who’s better off. Why exactly is being more generous to people who might need it more problematic? If an extra $100 means they can go out for a nice dinner they otherwise couldn’t afford b/c they need that money for groceries/insurance, why should I feel any pressure to give it to someone whose parents just gave them 100k toward a starter home instead? It’s not like I’m not giving a gift to the latter couple; I’m just putting extra money where I think it’ll give the most real pleasure. I don’t really understand how anyone could feel indignation over this.

 

Post # 139
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@mrssrm:  Just because someone has a more expensive wedding doesn’t mean their parents gave them anything. I know we got nothing (no dress, no tie, no money, nothing). And yes, we probably should have put most of the money we’re spending on the wedding on part of a house.

My point is, you never know what people choose to do with their money. Some save, some choose to buy a house, everyone has financial commitments so at least for me, I try to give the same amount because $100 is $100. Even if someone is rich, this is my gift to them because things are supposed to be equal right. Just like you shouldn’t treat a rich person better than a poor one!

Ah well..I guess basically the result of this 4-page discussion is everyone will do what they want!

Post # 140
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@abbie017:    who are you to judge my finances?  So it’s okay to estimate the cost of a plate and try to reimburse you for it in my gift, or give larger gifts at more lavish weddings, thus implicitly judging your finances and adjusting my giving accordingly. But it’s not okay to direct extra generosity elsewhere on the perfectly reasonable assumption that people having a more modest, self-financed wedding might especially appreciate/need a little extra help. I.e., it’s okay to judge your finances as long as I’m writing you the bigger check? Right.

Post # 143
Member
5667 posts
Bee Keeper

No way. I give what I can and don’t adjust it based on the wedding.

Post # 144
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

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@VegasSukie:  Thanks… Believe it or not I am actually hoping that people buy off our registry… which is mostly camping supplies. However if cash/checks come along, that will be awesome as well. This is a second wedding for both of us, and is mostly friends/family attending. There were a total of 175 invited, and like I said previously so far 68 have rsvp’d yes, with only 8 no’s. I know that the no’s will be more, just waiting to find out how many more exactly. I have a lot of out of state family and our 30th annual family reunion is 6 weeks after our wedding, and a couple of family members just traveled a few hundred miles this past weekend for my aunts 80th birthday party. To expect them to come again in 8 weeks, then again 6 weeks later is just nuts, and to me unrealistic.

I am very happy to know that all of my in town family and friends have said yes, and Mikes in town family and friends and some out of town friends have said yes as well.

Again… by 4pm on March 25, we will be married, and that is the important thing, not the amount of money received by throwing a party.

Post # 145
Member
13902 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@mrssrm:  My offense came from you saying you would give less if it was a larger wedding because the parent’s paid, and because, as you stated, they have no financial need.  Like I said, my parents gave me a big amount of money for the wedding because they saved well for it during my childhood.  I’m putting myself through grad school and my Fiance put himself through law school, so we clearly don’t have a ton of money laying around.  Just because we’re having a big formal wedding doesn’t mean we’re loaded, and you basically said you’d give someone like me less because my parents were fortunate enough to be able to save to give me this incredible day.

Post # 146
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

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@VegasSukie:  So, just a question regarding a super expensive wedding. I saw a thread on here where someone mentioned they payed $300/plate. Would you then give $600 as a gift if you and your Fiance went? B/c to me, that seems excessive. It’s not my fault that you decided to have a $300/plate wedding. 

Post # 147
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@clover32512:  Ahhh you don’t get it 😀

I’ll put it this way then: what if you got $150 worth of camping supplies instead of $100 of camping supplies, AND your guest comes to your party? NOT saying that the guest who gives $100 is any lesser but it is not any worse to receive an extra $50 gift right?

Of course as a host, you dont expect anything. Likewise, I am seriously not expecting anything from my guests especially because they have to travel a little bit. However, as a guest, I would LIKE to be generous and as fair as possible to the couple. That’s why the cover your plate thing is a guideline. It’s not a literal amount of the food or drinks. It’s a guesstimate of cost+ a gift.

Post # 148
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@VegasSukie:  

I totally respect your system & feel that you’re entitled to determine your gift however you’d like. But certainly you can understand other bees’ POV that your system would have a strong likelihood of benefitting someone who’s been given a lot of financial assistance for her wedding and/or is more stable financially than a couple who pays for q wedding themselves and is not well off. Not that I’m saying it’s your job to correct this inherent unfairness, but you could at least acknowledge that it’s a logical opinion to have about the ‘cover your plate’ philosophy. Again, not trying to convince you it’s wrong, just explaining another POV 🙂

Post # 149
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@2PeasinaPod:  I think she already said she would give as much as she could afford and would keep the cover your plate guideline in mind but if it was a crazy amount, then she wouldn’t.

My wedding IS actually $300 per plate and no, there will be NO gifts (I think someone is getting us a fancy dustbin and my parents are giving me some antique jewellery and Fiance gets I think $150). I know that we chose for our wedding to be expensive (we have a tiny guestlist of 45 people so it’s affordable) and we do not expect people to finance it.

Post # 150
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

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@2PeasinaPod:  I’m not vegassukie obviously, but I also follow the “cover your plate” guideline and thought I’d respond.  I would not give $600 for me and my SO to go to a wedding.  I would say the max I would give is $500, and that’s only if it’s a really close family member.  Covering your plate is a GUIDELINE.  You still only pay what you can afford/what you want to give.

Post # 151
Member
13902 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@les105:  Not really.  Let’s use numbers:

Wedding 1 has a $5,000 budget.  We go to McDonalds for dinner, and I get a 6 piece chicken nugget and small fries with diet coke.  $8.
I want to give B&G a $200 gift.  Plus the cost of my meal.  Rounded to a nicer looking number = $250.  so, frm the $8 my meal cost them, I give them a $242 gift.

Wedding 2 has a $50,000 budget.  My meal costs them $75. 
I want to give B&G a $200 gift.  Plus the cost of my meal.  $275.  They get a $200 gift.

So, really, when it’s a less expensive wedding, the less expensive one actually ends up getting more.     

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