(Closed) Have you ever waited til the reception to fill in the gift amount?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 152
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

I also want to add that if someone was having a potluck in a church basement that cost them a total of $1000, then they’d still get at least $75 from me.  That’s what I gift friends, and I usually do $100-150 for best friends and family. (This is what I add to my estimate of the cost pp.)  Since it’s just a guideline and estimate, you can deviate as you see fit.  Smile

Post # 153
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

@redband:  Thanks…I didn’t read through all of the posts and must have missed her saying that. And appreciate someone who is spending a huge amount on their guests not expecting it in return. Very refreshing :o) 

@Boston Bee:  Thanks…and I agree too. I also use it as a guideline and it would also depend on how close I was to that person. My brother for instance will be getting a huge amount from us for his wedding, b/c let’s face it, he’s my little bro, and I love him! Someone from work however would be getting about what I think the cover your plate would be. 

Post # 154
Member
13888 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Boston Bee:  Agreed.  There are numbers I’d never give less than. 

Post # 155
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@abbie017:  

I’m really trying not to take it the wrong way, but your post comes off as condescending. If you want to look at those numbers, in wedding 1, couple paid for the meal themselves, thus netting $242. In wedding 2, the couple’s parents paid, thus netting them $275. I said in a previous post that it is an overgeneralization that expensive wedding is funded by parents, but, in my experience, this is often the case. So if you gift this way, you are more likely to reward people that had family help than those who didn’t.

Post # 157
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@les105:  The problem is you’re ASSUMING the parents paid. 

Secondly IF the parents DID pay, it’s the parent’s GIFT to the couple so the couple shouldn’t have to suffer for that.Why should the guest penalize the couple because they got a gift from their parents?

I won’t deny I do get pretty jealous when I hear of parents buying dresses or giving a huge gift to the couple but I try to not resent the couple and give them a normal gift anyway!

Post # 158
Member
13888 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@les105:  I’m not trying to be condescending.  I was trying to illustrate with numbers because some people understand thing better with examples, and several people have explained this with words in the past 4 pages, so I thought numbers would be helpful. 

You generalize that Wedding 1 paid for themselves.  Maybe that’s all their parents could afford.  Maybe Wedding 2 paid themselves.  The point is, you can’t get that nit-picky.  I choose to gift this way, because I find it to be the more generous way than saying “I give family X, I give friends Y, I give FI’s friends Z…” It’s how I was raised, it’s how my family and friends gift as well.  Where I’m from, it’s the polite way.  But where I’m from, families also generally pay for the wedding.  Maybe you think I’m spoiled (as I get the feeling), but that’s just how weddings go for me. 

Post # 159
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@redband:  Guest can come and eat/drink have fun and not bring a gift at all, or cash, or card… I don’t care.

That is what I am saying. At the end of the day it is not the amount of gifts or cash received, it is about the fact that I am married to the person I love, and the friends and family were there to share it with me.

Gifts/cash or anything else is just icing on the cupcakes.

I think getting all uptight about what people give or don’t give is crazy.

We were invited to a friends wedding 2 years ago when both of us were out of work, collecting food stamps, and collecting scrap metal to pay the bills. We had originally stated we would not attend the wedding and sent a card with $50 in it. The bride and groom both told us they want us there PERIOD. The reason we had said no was because I did not feel that we should take the spot from others that were in a better position. This was a friend that I had known for 10 years, she used to twirl with my daughters. She said I am not friend, I am family and would be very upset if we did not come. We did, and had a wonderful time. My thinking of not being able to afford a gift as much as the wedding costs changed at that point, as it is true of most, being invited for who you are is more important than being invited for what you can give.

 

Post # 160
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@abbie017:  Correct. I would be more likely to give extra generously to someone who didn’t already have someone in their lives providing that kind of financial assistance. Just like if I had two nieces, one sibling A’s and one sibling B’s, and sibling A was very well off and sibling B was struggling, I’d give more generous gifts to sibling B’s daughter. Maybe you feel that giving perfectly equally to both nieces would be the way to go, and that’s your prerogative. I have a strong moral inlination to give most to those who will benefit most. If that offends you, then I guess it’s good we’re not friends.

 

Post # 161
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@redband:  

I specifically stated its an overgeneralization, but it is my experience. Also, the parents’ gift is the food, not my money. I’m not punishing anyone, im just not rewarding anyone just because their parents’ have money.

Post # 163
Member
13888 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mrssrm:  wow, that last line was a little uncalled for.  Note to self, don’t disagree with mrssrm again…

Post # 164
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@clover32512:  I know!

What I am saying, it’s not a bad thing either if someone gave you a bit more. I just don’t understand why covering your plate+gift is BAD (which seems to be the case on this board)

Post # 165
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@abbie017:  

I didn’t call you spoiled. I also admitted I was generalizing. I was just asking for people to try to understand where people are coming from. It is more likely that those with familial help will benefit more than those wothout if you go the pay your plate route. That’s all people are saying, and I don’t really see how you can argue that, its true. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, but you can at least see why people would see it as unfair.

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