(Closed) Have you ever waited til the reception to fill in the gift amount?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 167
Member
13885 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@les105:  (I didn’t say you called me spoiled, I said I got that feeling from your post) I guess I don’t see it as unfair.  It’s fine to have different opinions, but attacking others and the snark on this board is getting out of hand.  I give generously at weddings regardless of who paid, who’s wedding it is, or what.  My argument is that it someone paid $150 for my plate, I would like to reciprocate.  I’m not telling other people how to gift, and some ladies on here basically tell me I’m wrong.  That’s unfair. 

Personally, I don’t ask when people’s parents pay for the wedding, so I don’t know if the parents paid/helped/did nothing.  So, I gift on that.

Post # 168
Member
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@les105:  Well, I do sort of see where you’re coming from because I know some people who do the same. I still think it’s unfair but then I am biased as I am one of might seem rich because of the expensive wedding but isn’t.

Post # 169
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

@VegasSukie: Hah…I figured…and sorry. I read most of the posts on the first page and the last, but was curious what you would do in a situation like that. I’m with you!

Post # 170
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Like I said, I totally get where you guys are coming from. And, FTR, I would never call someone whose parents paid for their wedding “spoiled”, I would call them lucky! I was just trying to explain how your philosophy may rough a few feathers. A lot of women on these boards DIY their butts off, bargain shop, pay for every penny of their wedding themselves. Then there are other women who get a $150/plate dinner paid for by their families (again, lucky!), but it just might rub salt in the wounds to think that the women with the fancy dinner “deserve” a $350 gift, while the women who worked hard will only net $200.Some people already feel bad that their families won’t help, or are sad that they have to cut things from their wedding that they can’t afford, so you can understand why tipping one more thing in the “lucky girls'” (lol, that was tongue in cheek) favor might hurt more feelings.

Post # 171
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t think anyone thinks it’s ‘bad’ or ‘stupid’. What I think is that it puts guests at an unfair disadvantage when thinking of going to a wedding and knowing that people are expecting them to reimburse the B&G for feeding them. As a host of a wedding, I’d be mortified if I thought anyone thought I was expecting that, and what we choose to spend should have no bearing on the gifts people give.

I first heard of this about 10 years ago and I’ve been to plenty of weddings throughout the country, but it was ‘here’ (the NE) that someone asked me if I’d ever heard of it before. A friend overheard the bride at her shower saying that ‘people

better know enough to cover their dinner’, and she was pretty shocked. She had bought a Lenox picture frame to give as her gift, but was trying to save herself the embarrassment of giving it if the bride wanted a $200. gift instead.

You might as well charge admission or have your guests pay for their own dinner from a menu if you have those expectations.

I don’t care what anybody else gives at a wedding,as I do what I want. Since most of the weddings we attend these days are family members, they’re quite happy to open my cards. 🙂

Post # 173
Member
13885 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@les105:  I do understand your point (and thanks for saying it like an adult, unlike some other people on this board!). My counterpoint would be, though, if both couples in my example are saving for a house after the wedding… why do I deserve that gift less just because my parents paid for the wedding? I’m also contributing to the wedding, so it is a financial stressor for me as well. I just find it unfair, and no one has to agree with me, but some of the comments to me (and the other plate coverxers on here) have been rude, some offensive, and a few downright nasty.

Post # 174
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@VegasSukie:  I don’t think anyone’s trying to punish the couple, they’re just against rewarding a couple just because their parents helped. Like I said, do you honestly think it’s fair that a couple who has a $150 pp wedding paid for by their family nets $350, while a DIY bride nets $200? Several posters asked why people are offended by the cover your plate philosophy, and I am simply explaining why. 

So the brides whose parents pay get the wedding that many budget brides can’t afford PLUS gets more money? That’s why people think it’s unfair.

Honestly, I don’t care if my guests cover their plates (our meals are fairly cheap) or don’t gift at all. But you asked why people are upset, and I’m explaining why.

Post # 176
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

It’s never occured to me to base my gift on how nice or expensive I can guess/judge the wedding to be. To me they’re unrelated. I don’t think of a wedding gift as reimbursement for the party, but something I want to do to show the couple I’m happy for them (so I’d give a gift if I was invited and couldn’t go).

Post # 177
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@abbie017:  I don’t think you deserve a lesser gift. I think you deserve the same gift.  As a guest, I don’t have control over the cost of my meal. It’s the B&G’s perrogative to have a $20 pp reception or a $200 pp reception, whether they’re paying for it or not is also not my business. Just because someone’s parents gifted them the $150 pp reception does not mean that as a guest I’m obligated to gift the bride $150 extra dollars. That seems silly to me. The gift was the food, not my money. TBH, if my parents offered to pay $150 pp for my wedding (not saying yours did, just giving an example), I would go with a $20 pp wedding, and put the other $130 pp towards a downpayment on a house. That way, I wouldn’t (and my parents wouldn’t) feel like our guests should pay us back for the expense, and I could use my parents generosity towards helping me set up a home rather than relying on my guests to do so. On the other hand, if you want your dream wedding, that’s your perrogative, but it’s not your guests job to ensure you get our dream wedding, which they had no say in, plus be able to pay for a house. 

That’s just my opinion and how I act as a guest (I give as much as I can afford within reason), but I have no problem with anyone doing as they please. But I know why people think kit’s unfair, is all.

Post # 178
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@VegasSukie:  Agreed. I would never hold it against my friend (though I may be secretly jealous for 5 seconds lol)

Post # 181
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Woah, I’ve totally lost the thread. And I went back to read it again, and am still nowhere.

Since when is a gift to a couple whose families cover a significant portion of the wedding “rewarding a couple just because their parents helped”?

How would you even know that someone helped them?

It’s a gift. It’s not a reward or a stipend or a way to help them financially (either recover from the cost of the wedding or in the future). Presumably, anyone whose throwing a wedding and has any sense writes off the expense as just that, not something to be offset by checks.

Cash is simply a gift that can be turned into other gifts.

The topic ‘Have you ever waited til the reception to fill in the gift amount?’ is closed to new replies.

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