(Closed) Have you ever waited til the reception to fill in the gift amount?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 195
Member
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I was raised to cover my plate and a bit more. That being said, if someone was doing a backyard bbq, I wouldn’t just give them $20, and if they spend $300 per plate, I certianly cannot afford that right now! I usually give what I can, around $100-$200 pp, based on what I can afford at the time.

Post # 197
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

@VegasSukie:  wait, you aren’t paying for my trip in? How rude!

Post # 199
Member
5219 posts
Bee Keeper

We just give what we can afford and are there to support the couple. Both my Fiance and I have been to quite a few wedddings the past couple of years and they have all been unique and special in their own way, I haven’t put much ( any) thought into how they should’ve budgeted or what their budget looked like it was nor does it really play into what we give them. To each their own! 

To cover your plate or not to cover your plate, the point is to be there to support the couple and I have never felt bad about gifting my friends money at their wedding, or whether they paid for it or their parents chipped in… it is their new life together!

Post # 200
Member
4753 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

In my own little world covering my plate and drinks… would typically include plate+beverage therefore if the food is minimal, and the drinks non-exsistant therefore by that argument the couple would recieve less.

Personally I’ve done both and have no standard we talk about what we’re gonna give, how well we know them and the type of event that was thrown are all in consideration.

Post # 201
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

To be honest no matter where the wedding is I have a budget. I will give a little more if I am close to the couple though, but that’s a different story.

Post # 202
Member
803 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I can understand it in some cases.  If you can afford to give the gift and cover your drinks, I may raise an eyebrow.  If not, I can understand it.

Let me just explain that my Fiance and I lived paycheck to paycheck with little room to save between the two of us for most of our relationship.  When we got invited to weddings before, we seriously scrimped and saved for a few months in advance to be able to afford attending, attire if needed, travel expenses (I’m talking about gas money mostly), and a gift that didn’t look like it came from people who lived off Ramen (not a pride thing, everyone knew we were pros at high-sodium noodle enjoyment, but we just didn’t want to be stingy with a wedding gift). 

If we knew ahead of time that a wedding will have a cash bar, we figured it into our cost for attending and tried not to let it affect the gift (now that it doesn’t involve skipping a few meals it’s easier to do but still cuts into our own wedding budget).

If we don’t have notice, though, it kind of sucks.  I’m okay just drinking soda but my Fiance is pretty shy around people and one or two drinks help him loosen up enough to get over his shyness and socialize, dance, etc. and he has a really good time.  I must admit, one drink will help me over my shyness hump too but I can force my way through if I have to.  If we were doing a cash gift (which we never do so this is moot), I may have considered taking out enough to cover two or three drinks.  Now that we can afford it, I think I’ll just start carrying a $20 to weddings just in case.

I’m really not sure how we’ll handle a completely dry wedding in terms of shyness and dancing, but it hasn’t come up lol.  We run with the Irish/Italian Catholics.

Post # 203
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I guess I’m a little confused as to covering your plate. How much money the couple spends per plate is a choice they make, whether that’s $10 or $200 per plate. I don’t get how a couple who chooses to spend less per plate (which honestly, based on weddings I’ve been to, has little connection to the quality of the food) deserves less of a gift than a couple who chooses to spend more- since the couple is choosing how to spend their personal money when throwing the wedding. As a bride, I would be sort of hurt if I found out my relatives gave my cousin 3x as much for her gift, just because she makes almost $100k a year and can afford to spend a lot, and I’m in college and am trying to have a budget wedding while still being a good host. As a guest, I can’t imagine giving one cousin $100 and another cousin $300, just because of how expensive their venue is, it just doesn’t seem fair- I love all my cousins and wouldn’t want to cut anyone short.

Post # 204
Member
1941 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wow, that sucks.

Post # 205
Member
803 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@galloway111:  I know that a lot of “cover your plate” people still give pretty consistently to close family members because they want to be fair, but ultimately, I would think budget brides would still come out with a greater…gain?  That sounds crude, obviously we don’t go into planning our weddings expecting to be paid back to cover the plate.  I’m considering every penny I spend on my wedding a penny that will never be back in my pocket again, but Fiance and I want to host a wedding for our loved ones to celebrate our wedding.  I’m expecting no gifts from my side because it’s a second wedding for them, and none on my FI’s side (certainly not cover-your-plate gifts).

BUT say your rich cousin spends $150 pp for a plate and you spend $50 pp (I’m just using these numbers for ease, as a budget bride, I can’t really afford $50 pp when it comes to the actual meal).  Your mutual friend gives your cousin $200 and you $100.  Here, you’re both “even” in terms of what you have back in your pocket after the meal alone.  But what about when it comes to extras?  The DJ/band/etc, the cost of the venue itself, any transportation that may be there (some brides and grooms pay for a shuttle to take guests between ceremony/reception/hotel so no one has to worry about driving if everyone is staying at the hotel), more elaborate favors…so the breakdown of cost per guest may be more like $75 for you and $225 for your cousin.  In this case you are “making” $25 and your cousin is “losing” $25 even though your cousin was gifted twice as much money.

Even though covering your plate seems like it’s going to be a disadvantage to you, it’s actually more of a return than what your cousin is getting.  I know it’s not really “fair” but if you both got $100 it wouldn’t do you any good except that you would know that at least your cousin didn’t get more than you did.

Post # 206
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

That is ridiculous for people to do. I’ve never witnessed someone doing that at a wedding. That is in poor taste for someone to do. I understand that some people don’t carry much cash anymore or like the idea of a cash bar but come on. That’s not right to deduct or take money from cards to pay for that stuff. 

Post # 207
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@galloway111:  For me, it’s similar to gift giving.  If you know that you have a friend who is going to give you an expensive gift, you gift her a nice gift, too, right?  For me, it’s the same thing.  I believe it’s in good form to give a gift that matches the “feel” of the wedding. 

If someone has a sweet, backyard BBQ, I will give a nice, homey gift – not something inexpensive, but I think going out and spending $300 on something for them would put them in an awkward place if they felt they couldn’t reciprocate. 

If someone is throwing a Four Seasons, champagne and caviar gift, I’ll give something swanky (but truthfully I won’t be able to match their $$!).

 

Post # 208
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2012

First off, I am one of the people in the ‘cash bar’ thread who said I was tempted to take the money back out of my card and give less.  However…this was only because I didn’t know it would be a cash bar and had no money on me, and I was really fairly broke at the time, and what I did have went to their gift.  Plus I had invited a friend to come with me, and I felt as ‘my’ guest I shouldn’t ask her to pay for drinks when she also had no idea or cash on her, plus didn’t know the bride or groom.  If I had known ahead of time I would have given the same gift and just skimped and saved a bit more before the wedding.  Luckily it was a family wedding and my dad saved my butt.  That being said, I didn’t take the money out, nor do I wait to fill in my cards until I see what the venue ect is like.

As for the ‘plate gifting’ I try to do this if I can afford it.  That being said, if it isn’t done for me I won’t be upset.  I have a few people coming that I know can’t afford to give much if anything.  I still want them there.  If people choose to give based on plate plus, I would be estatic.  I am having an average wedding ($75 per plate), but we have given up a lot to pay for it.  What we get in gifts will be our down payment on a future house, so any help will be appreciated.

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