Post # 1
just thought id ask bc im going through something which i never thought imaginable. It’s not me personally whose been cheated, but someone very close to me call her Sally. her Fiance who just proposed in feb revealed that he’s had an”emotional affair” since jan with a temp at his work. and feels he may love her bc she reminds him of his first love 15years ago. They have kissed. Sally and him have been together 6-7 years, no kids, hes 40 and feels this 20year old girl may be someone he wants to be with. i have asked sally to come live with me since i found out, and she is waiting for him to choose who he wants, how much time does he have im not sure. they stay in the same house and sleep in the same bed like strangers.
Skipping all the details…. my question is really for me because i do feel she should have left 3wks ago when she found out, and get a hold of this 20y old and say a few things, but she hasnt
What if she stays with Fiance in the end. i have not really gotten along with him since day 1, so we really never do anything endless its holiday time with family or Sally comes over. but its wedged something between her and i how can she live with him or trust him when he hurt someone so special to me. and i dont trust him with her life. i dont want to lose sally but feel if she stays with him how can we be “okay” how can i look her in the eyes and not feel shes hurting herself, and her future for happyness.
there are so many situations had he come to her saying he has done this and hes sorry and wants to stay with her and be forgiven, BUT NO he has strung her along for 3wks saying hes not sure who he wants to be with and sally is letting him choose so she can move on or work on things with him, even tho he texts this 20y around her, goes to BR to text, emails and just changed his email password to cont to speak with 20y old. its her last day as a student on thurs and apprently thats when he will decide….apperrantly.
i dont want to lose sally, but i just cant stand her Fiance and what hes done to her. if Fiance left sally shed meet someone have kids, get married and be happy. right now, he proposed bc she wanted it, and everythig they have hes claimed he dosent know if he wants.
Post # 3
I have actually gone through this in a familial situation, and it is very difficult. But keep in mind that what you’re going through? Nothing like what she’s going through. It’s much easier for you to say “I know Sally will end up happily married if she dumps this loser” than it is for her to do. What’s more, it’s not up to your judgment whether or not they decide to work it out or not. Maybe for you the situation is clear as day, but for her (and him) there are many other factors involved. Whether or not you want to give your opinion, what she needs is support and a shoulder to lean on for now. She needs to make the decision that is right for HER life.
Post # 4
Sally’s a big girl and is going to make her own choices whether or not you agree with them. If she chooses to stay with him you can still maintain your friendship with her but choose not to associate with him. And you can make that clear to her. Because if it all falls apart again one day, you’d want her to have a friend at her side right? What’s right for one person is not always right for another, believe you me.
If the roles were reversed, what would you want Sally to do for you?
Post # 5
Oh wow. I think the best thing you can do in this situation is be a shoulder for her to cry on. She needs that now more than ever. Go out of your way to check in with her and continue to offer her a place to stay if she needs to get away.
What you shouldn’t do is tell her to leave or give her any instructions. IF she asks for advice you can answer honestly, but make it clear that it’s her decision.
And if she does end up staying with him (God forbid), try your best to be a friend. You have to trust that she’s making the best decision for her and try not to judge. As long as her Fiance makes an effort to be nice to you and it looks like they are working things out, then just be normal around him. Don’t put further strain on their relationship by being a jerk to him.
Post # 6
sally and i would do totally different things, by now i would have called this 20y old and had a few choice words, sally is aware that this 20y dosent want to ruin his relationship but they have already. i think this 20y needs to really hear whats going on and its not all peaches bc shes entering a mine field and gets only the perks of sally’s Fiance
i cant understand seeing him texting her and taking his phone to BR without smashing it to bits. Sally is being way to passive and giving Fi this freedom to make a choice.
All i am trying with all my might is to stay out of it but give Sally what id do and where she can come.
Post # 7
Sure you can have an opinion on the matter. Everyone has an opinion. But bottom line, it is none of your business.
What happens between a couple (less abuse) is no one else’s business but theirs.
The other thing is it’s so easy for us to “say” what we would do IF we were in their shoes. But we’re not. So we have no way of knowing what we will really do if we were Sally.
Post # 8
your right she dosent need to worry about how i feel about her Fiance by me reminding her.
Post # 9
I would be her friend and limit contact with him. It’s sad that your friend has so little self esteem that she would sit back and wait for this jerk to choose between the two women.
The part I will never understand is why women aim their anger at the other woman. A couple of pp’s have suggested calling her and telling her off.
HELLO! She has had an attraction to a man who is engaged. HE IS ENGAGED!
He is the one who bears the responsibility for his cheating ways-
Post # 10
ok…this might be long…sorry!.I went through this where “sally” is my sister. My younger sister. This literally just happened like a week ago. Last weekend I took her shopping, had cocktails at home and let her cry on and off, took the phone away at her request so she didnt see his texts etc. She is my sister and my friend. I love her and it was torture to watch her go through what many of us have gone through in the past. I know i personally went through hell with my ex and she watched it all so she knew all the advice that I was giving her was from experience. It was not too long ago that It was me crying in my cheerios. The advice ill give you applied for friends who supported me through my ordeal as well as to me while I supported my sister, there is nothing you can do but be there. She may see the “right ” thing to do but that does not mean its going to happen. Some people are just not strong enough or confident enough in themselves to make such a drastic move such as leaving him on the spot. There are emotions involved that no one can understand except the person involved. I do agree it is a bit disturbing to watch someone give someone else so much control over thier future, such as her waiting for him to decide. Keep her occupied. Go to dinner, tell her how beautiful she is, do things to make her feel good about herself. As her friend and part of her support system that is the best thing you can do. With my sisters and friends alike I go by this motto, ill be there to celebrate with you when things are good and cry with you when things are bad whether its a situation you caused or a situation out of your control. Friendship (the real kind) is unconditional and if you love her as her friend just be what she needs right now and thats a source of encouragement and support.
As a pp said, it is also your choice to not deal with him now or in the future, but keep in mind this may put a strain on your friendship with her. My sister ended up back with the guy who cheated on her. She actually showed up to a dinner date that she had with me and my SO with him. She told me she was bringing a “date” and it turned out to be him. I obviously didnt know how to react given that a week earlier is when she found out he cheated. I just was polite but honest. I flat out said at dinner “i know you know that i know what you did. I dont claim to know th e whole story but i do know that she was hurt and I do not like seeing her hurt. I cant lie and say that im completely ok with you because im not. However, she is choosing to be with you and because i love her and respect her I will not treat you badly. But we are not friends and I, if i do not have to, would like to keep our social meetings to a minimum.” it went over well, he understood and so did she and now nothing is wierd. Im so sorry for your friend and im also sorry for you because it is a very hard thing to watch. But like someone else said, what you are going through does not even compare to what she is going through. Be there for her and im sure she will be grateful to have you as a friend as im sure she already is.
Post # 12
thank you, thank you for sharing, and spending the time to give me something that i will repeat in my head for as long as she goes through this. this sally is my sister. this sally i dont want to lose. and how you handeled yours makes so much sense to me now. i think thats the only way i could sit in the same room with her and Fiance and if she chooses him and come my wedding events hes around i truly think i should say something like that bc he has to hear me out, then i will respect that tho i dont think they should remain together this is what sally has chosen and i cant change that.
so thank you. the countdown begins.
Post # 13
your welcome, I do hope that she finds some strength because as I now know after dealing with my ex, any man who can do that to the woman he’s with is not truly in love. Someone who loves you would not be able to handle even thinking about causing you pain in such a way. I will keep your sister in my thoughts and send good vibes her way, and yours as well. PM me if you need to vent or whatever, this situation is still going on for me too. Good luck!