Post # 1
I’m due to get married next June and my family have been really supportive and helpful apart from a couple of things. My gran has insisted that my cousin should be a bridemaid because one of my cousins from my dads side is one. She is a bridemaid because she’s from Australia (I’m from UK) and my uncle and his family were making the visit especially for the wedding. I don’t really want this other cousin to be a bridemaid because we’re just not close with 9 year age gap and I just never imagine her being part of my day in that way.
my gran was very upset when I said I wasn’t including her and she basically begged me to have her and told me she’s be really upset if other cousin wasn’t a bridemaid, it’s very out of character for my gran to act like this. My dad had even said that I should have her and it would mean a lot to the family and she’s be so excited to be one. they have said my uncle (her dad) would pay for dress and stuff (in UK bride/groom pay for bridemaids), I’m not so keen on this but we can’t really afford to add another bridemaid so we would need to take the money for it. It seems like my arguement means nothing and I’m going to have to make her a bridemaids to stop a family meltdown.
I’m not very happy about being blackmailed into having her but I just want people to enjoy the day and ofc get married to my FI.
did you have to change stuff about your wedding to make family happy? how did it affect your day?
Post # 2
No, we haven’t really changed anything.
FMIL/FFIL didn’t want us to have a DIY bar, and wanted us to get a cash bar because that’s normal near them, but that certainly wouldn’t fly with my side, and we WANT to host an open bar.
We’ve tried to be great hosts though, to the best of our ability.
Post # 3
PenguinLove: Nope, we haven’t; and my parents are paying.
We’ve thought of our guests convenience and comfort when it comes to thinks like the location of the venue (not too far away; easy to get to; lots of different priced accommodation; plenty of parking), the music, the food and the drink. When it comes to anything else, we’ve gone with what we want.
OH’s mum tried to get me to have his 3 cousins as bridesmaids. I already have 4 bridesmaids and while I like his cousins, we’re not massively close; plus with two of them aged 16 and 18 it’s hardly like they’re little girls who will get all excited. So, I said no.
OH’s mum tried to get us to have a religious ceremony. A) she isn’t even religious herself, and if anyone would have wanted that, you’d think it would be my pretty religious Catholic dad… B) I’m atheist C) OH is agnostic. That was also a no.
OH’s mum tried to get us to invite children even though a) we are childfree and don’t particularly like children b) our venue is not child-friendly c) we are VERY limited on space and for every child we invited it would be an aunt or uncle or friend who couldn’t be invited and most importantly d) we are not close to any children bar my cousin, who is invited. So, that was a no.
OH’s mum (noticing a trend here? We’re now no-contact with her and the wedding is one of the reasons) tried to get us to invite his great uncle and aunt who I had never even heard of (we’ve been together 8 years, so, not having heard of this person in that time is kind of a big deal), and who OH hasn’t seen or heard from since he was 10 (he’s 28). That was also a no.
I think for us the 2 major things we wouldn’t compromise on are the ceremony, and that for us includes the bridal party, and also the guest-list. Other things we can be flexible on if necessary.
Post # 4
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle
PenguinLove: Yep. We changed our entire wedding for our family and sacrificed having a honeymoon right after the wedding. Originally we had planned a DW where we would elope in front of a few friends and then have our honeymoon directly following. My mom threw a fit that she wouldn’t get to see me get married. We ended up having a small ceremony for around 20 people. It was beautiful, but was basically just to make my mom happy. We ended up spending over $5k on it so now the honeymoon waits until next year. Womp.
My advice is DO NOT DO WHAT I DID.
Post # 5
Yes, I made some decisions with with other people in mind and in the end I was glad I did.
Did you have to give in on the BM issue? No, of course not. But if this means a lot to your cousin, and to your grandmother, who doesn’t usually impose, and you care, then my guess is you’ll probably end up feeling good about it. At times, I think it’s possible to open a can of worms by showing favoritism within categories of relatives. For example two cousins of bridesmaid age, a niece as flower girl over another niece of flower girl age etc. For some people the family connection is quite important, regardless of how often they see one another day to day. Your gesture might even bring you closer to your cousin, with whom you’ll always share a history.
What I did differently than if it had been just me: wording on invitations, timing of affair to take older and out of town relatives into account, invited extra friends for both sets of parents, and told MOH and mother of flower girl to pick out their own dresses.
Post # 6
Yes. I’m not sure how it effected our day just yet though:
- We wanted a destination wedding (basically, to elope with immediate family) and are now having it in Michigan. In retrospect, I’m not too sad about this.
- We wanted a small barn or outdoor wedding, it’s now a 250-300 person affair.
- We wanted FI’s best friend to be his best man, it’ll end up being one of his siblings because his family threw a fit about it.
- We wanted a small, intimate, formal rehersal dinner (just parents, grand parents, bridal party and their dates) and it’ll now be a mini-wedding of 150 people. FOR A REHERSAL DINNER. It’s a tradition in FI’s family for all out of town guests and their dates to be invited.
Post # 7
I basically crumbled under family pressure and said I would think about it, not really what I want to do. FI is insisting that I don’t cave under pressure from my family, FI’s family are totally on FI’s (and i guess my) side. FFIL even told FI that he should put his door down and insist that she shouldn’t be a bridemaid. I have five other people that I considered making bridemaids before coming to my final (or what I thought was final) choice of having just 3 out of 8 people discussed. I’m now avoiding the subject until I really have to talk about it again. 🙁
Post # 8
PenguinLove: I don’t see how this is the business of FI’s family to get involved, let alone your FFIL insisting that FI “put his foot down.”