(Closed) Have you lost a parent? How old were you?

posted 6 years ago in Family
  • poll: How old were you when you lost a parent?

    12 and under (what I am calling a kid)

    13 to 19 (what I am calling a teenager)

    20 to 29

    30 to 39

    40 to 49

    50+

  • Post # 32
    Member
    89 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    My father died back in 1994 when I was 6 due to complicatons of Hodgekins Lymphona and Meningitis. This Feb 3rd will be 20 years to the day – but I still miss him. It makes me sad wen I think about all the things he never got to do… Like see both of his little girls have recitals on our instruments. Watch them grow up, going through the turmoil of high school and seeing them perform in their respective plays, concerts, and other assorted performance. How he never got to see us graduate high school or college. How he won’t be at my wedding or see the women his little girls have grown up to be. 

    But then I remember… Yes, he has. He has always been there.

    We would have had to reteach him everything, had constant home care, and he possibly wouldn’t have even been able to feed himself if he had lived. 

    I’m lucky in a way to have lost him so young. I have memories of him and remember aspects of him but not the life long memories that can haunt people. I’ve been told that my sister looks like him and I act like him, which has to be a constant reminder to my mom of the soulmate she lost. I may not have him physically here, but I mourn the loss of someone I barely knew (for only almost 7 years) compared to most, how mourn the loss of someone they knew for a lifetime.

    I’m very much a believer that everything happens for a reason, even if you can’t see it. If he hadn’t died, we never would have moved to Kansas (he wanted to stay in Ohio/the east coast). I wouldn’t have ever gone to the college I went to and therefore wouldn’t have met my Fiance. 

    Post # 33
    Member
    1805 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I lost my dad at 9 to cancer. Its caused a huge void in my life. My mom never dated after him so I never had a step dad. It makes me sad that he missed all graduations, my sisters wedding, my wedding, the birth of his grand children. I’m 20 weeks pregnant with my first child and it amazes me that I still am upset that he’s not around to experience everything. I’m 25 now, I’m over the angry stage, but I don’t think ill ever be totally okay with it either.

    Post # 34
    Member
    605 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    I lost my dad this past February. I turned 32 this past Sunday. My dad and I had a rocky, at best, relationship while I was growing up but over the past few years had began to build something that was hard to describe but had become pretty important to me.

    As for coping…It has had a profound effect on me that I can’t quite describe and every day is different. Some days I’m really, really pissed off. Years past with little to no relationship and now that things were finally starting to piece together, he’s gone and I have no chance whatsoever to know what it really feels like to have a father/daughter relationship. I wonder about my son, who was 4 when my dad passed. Will he remember him? Some days, I just cry. Some days, I can’t put my finger on how I feel but I just know that it isn’t good. And some days, fewer than I care to admit, I find that I’m able to be thankful for the time that I did have.

    Post # 35
    Member
    564 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    @MrsPanda99:  Could you add an option for two different ages? I lost both of my parents. My dad passed away when I was 10, and my mom passed away earlier this year (28).

    I didn’t know my dad very well, but I’m not going to lie, every bit of wedding planning is painful because I know my mom won’t share it with me. But I try to remember that I have no choice but to accept it, because I can’t bring her back. And I hope she sees me now, somehow, and is happy for me.

    Post # 36
    Member
    1168 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @MrsPanda99:  I lost my dad when I was I was 24 on April 23, 2009. I’m getting married on April 26 of this year, 3 days after the 5 year anniversary…probably wasn’t the best idea.

    I had talked to him the weekend before. I’d actually called to see if he would cosign for me to get a car. He wouldn’t and I got upset and we hung up. I ended up calling him back and apologizing and he gave me advice on buying a car. Normally I stay irrationally mad for too long, but that time I didn’t. I told my mom when he and I got off the phone that I didn’t want to end on a bad note because “you never know.” I bought my car and was going to go out to his house later that day to show it to him. But I didn’t. Stuff came up and I had to go back home (about an hour away) for work the next day and figured I would just show him the following weekend. Then later that week, my sister called me around 5:30 in the morning to tell me he had died in his sleep unexpectedly.

    I don’t think I coped very well at first. I was angry about everything. I got mad at my mom and stepdad a lot. My mom went and got drunk after his funeral and that pissed me off. In my head she was using his death for attention and pity when they’d been divorced since I was 7. My stepdad was his typical “everyone’s out to get me” self. I had moments where I really wished that he’d died instead of my dad (and I’m completely aware of how awful that is.) I also ended up quitting my job 3 months later. I worked in customer retention at the time and that was basically 10 hour days of people calling to complain about the dumbest things ever. But I seriously didn’t care. I just wanted to scream at everyone that called and say that my dad just died and I did not care that they lost their temporary $10 bill credit.

    I’m better now though. I still hate thinking of all the things my dad missed and will miss. He missed my graduation from nursing school. He missed my youngest sister’s graduation from high school. He missed/will miss all of our weddings. He got to meet my nephew, but not my niece or any of his future grandkids.

    Most days when I think about him, I just know he is gone. But then there are days that it really hits. He’s really gone. I can’t call him. I can’t visit. It’s like my brain puts him on vacation the other times. It’s temporary. Sure I can’t call him now, but maybe tomorrow. But then those other days hit where I know that tomorrow won’t be any different.

    Post # 37
    Member
    304 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @MrsPanda99:  I was 5 when my father committed suicide. It didn’t really hit until I was around 14 or so and going through a rough time. It bothered me that I never had “answers” because I never thought to ask when I was younger but sometimes I wish I knew the whole story – where did he do it? was I really the last person he saw? what did he say to me when he dropped me off at the bus stop? etc. 

    As far as “missing” him – no, I don’t think I do. I am selfishly glad I was that young. I say selfishly because my poor mother was left to take care of an infant and a 5 year old, full time job, closest family a 6+ hour drive away. I don’t know how the hell she did it. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    4605 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

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    @pineapplez17:  I’m sorry for your loss as well. Sometimes I feel bad because it’s like I don’t really think about it much. Like sometimes it will just hit me that my dad is gone and has been gone. It’s a very strange emotion. I do find myself getting more sad about it as the wedding draws closer, but I also feel guilty because I have a great relationship with my stepdad. 

    Post # 39
    Member
    2854 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

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    @SouthernGirl:  I know what you mean. It’s not like it’s something you want to think about, so it just isn’t really on your mind all the time. Especially now that I don’t live at home. I’m definitely sad thinking about him not being there for the wedding. And don’t feel guilty that you have a great relationship with your stepdad–it’s a good thing! My mom never remarried, and sometimes I feel guilty because I wish she did. I feel like our lives would be so much easier (of course I also want her to be happy).

    Post # 40
    Member
    4605 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

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    @pineapplez17:  It’s more along the lines of, I really wish my dad could be there, but also wanting my stepdad to be there as well… I definitely don’t take our relationship for granted. I think I’m, and my mom, are lucky to have him. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    1300 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I was 13 when my dad passed away. I was still a child. It took me a long time to cope. I was a bit of a mess emotionally throughout my teenage years. I am very stable now.

    Post # 42
    Member
    1300 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

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    @sauerdragon:  my father also committed suicide. I was 13. I am 28 now so he’s been gone longer than I had him in my life At this point.

    Post # 43
    Member
    236 posts
    Helper bee

    My dad died when I was 19. He had made life choices that I wanted nothing to do with from a young age and  I hadn’t seen him in years. I thought I didn’t care but it was very hard on me even though I thought of him as dead to me it really made me realize maybe one day I wanted to reconcile.  I still have sad moments 9 years later

    Post # 44
    Member
    123 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    My Dad died when I was 16 from a massive heart attack.  He didn’t feel well that day so I take comfort in knowing the last thing I said to him before going to work (at Wendy’s lol) was, “Bye, Dad.  I hope you feel better.”

    It was a long process. I’m ok now, but my family had just moved from one end of Pennsylvania to the other, then my Dad passed so now my Mom and I were forced to move back.  Both of my brothers were in college so it was a difficult time.  It is sad, but someone told me the way to keep a person alive is to speak of them as much as you can.  So I try to talk about him as much as I can so memories don’t fade.

    My Mom did send me to a shrink after.  It didn’t really help, I was just sad and frustrated.  Also it was an awkward time being a teenager so this just made things worse.  I went to college, found a great job and am now getting married so I turned out just fine in my opinion. 

    Post # 45
    Member
    2854 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    View original reply
    @SouthernGirl:  I totally understand. Difficult, conflicting feelings.

    Post # 46
    Member
    9544 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    When I was 24 and just finishing grad school my mom was diagnosed with terminal uterine cancer. I moved home to be her primary caregiver, which I did for a year and a half before she passed. It was incredibly hard. My mom and I were very close. My parents divorced when I was 2 and while my dad has always been an active part of my life, my mom was my primary parent. So it was really hard.

    How did I cope? I read a series of books about grieving. Don’t really know if that helped, but it one of the few active things I did. I am, by nature, a very practical person and don’t see the point in wallowing in pain. So I tried to recognize the pain, but not give in to it. I made a concious effort to not feel guilt about being happy or having fun. Because I know my mom wouldn’t want me to be miserable for her. She’d want me to move on. So I did. Like anything, it gets easier over time. I went out to a fancy dinner with my husband on the year anniversary of my mother’s death because I wanted to celebrate that I made it through the year and hope that the next year would be easier. And it was. I still think about my mom and miss her, but I know it doesn’t help anything to focus on what I miss, so I try not to dwell on those thoughts. 

    All that being said. I still miss her and wish she were here.

    Have you seen the movie Good Will Hunting? Minnie Driver’s character’s parents died and she is talking about her inheritance and she says “What is your obsession with this money? My father died when I was 13 and I inherited this money. You don’t think that every day I wake up and wish I could give it back? That I would give it back in a second if I could have one more day with him?” I always thought this was stupid, because who would give up a ton of money for just a day. And the days at the end often suck anyway. But after my mother died this all made sense. Because having another day at the end of her life wouldn’t have been a big difference one way or another. But to get a day with her now, when I could tell her about the wedding and marriage and ask her about kids and work and life? I’d give anything. Anything. 

    But. I can’t. So while I still get sad sometimes, like now as I type this, I mostly am able to be happy in my life and remember her in good memories and not miss her too much. I was worried about the wedding, but I was so busy and surrounded by so much love that I didn’t spend much time missing her. I thought of her a few times, but not every moment of the day. 

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