(Closed) Have you lost a parent? How old were you?

posted 6 years ago in Family
  • poll: How old were you when you lost a parent?

    12 and under (what I am calling a kid)

    13 to 19 (what I am calling a teenager)

    20 to 29

    30 to 39

    40 to 49

    50+

  • Post # 47
    Member
    75 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @MrsPanda99: Both of my parents had passed by the time I was 28. “Coping” is something I do everyday. At first I could barely feed myself and the days felt so long and lonely. I went to therapy, read a lot about grief, and thankfully had the support of my now fiancé. He never met either parent. 

    The wedding will be truly difficult, as Fiance still has both parents. My family feels really small these days. 

    it does get easier with time. I know my parents would not want me to be consumed with grief so I try to move on. In the end, I am happy to know neither are in suffering or pain anymore. 

    (gosh, this thread is so depressing! But honestly, it’s sort of nice to take a break from some of the frivolous superficial threads. Makes you think twice about wedding stress…)

     

     

    Post # 48
    Member
    1284 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I didn’t, but Fiance lost his mom when we were 15.  It was really horrible.  Without a doubt the worst time of my life.

    It gets really awkward when people make “your mom” jokes because he doesn’t even restrain it, he just says “my mom’s dead” and then that person feels TERRIBLE.  Luckily those jokes are dying out …. but it happened at a dinner party a few weeks ago.  Our friend brought his new girlfriend and we played Cards Against Humanity and she played a card when he was the judge that was like “a dead parent” or something and you could’ve heard a pin drop.  Then he said, “Well it sure is ballsy!  I choose that one!” and the poor girl had to own up to it and had NO idea.  She cried about it later when she was apologizing to me lmao!  Poor girl.

    He’s so strong and most of the time he’s super put-together, but every now and then we have a “tell stories about her and eat ice cream” sob fest and I think that’s okay.  I don’t know how he’ll do leading up to the wedding.  It seems normal to be very sad about her missing it.

    Post # 49
    Member
    1953 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I lost my mum a month before I turned 13. My sister was 11 and my brother had just turned 10. She was in a car accident. As bizarre and awful as this sounds, I didn’t expect her to go in any other way – she was a terrible driver. My father pretty much became a child. He’d lost his wife but things were far from good at the time of death. She was in talks of leaving him and taking us with her. He knew. 

    She’s been gone 9 years in March. I actually went and visited her grave today for the first time ever alone. My husband’s been with me once, back just before we got engaged. I won’t make him go again, he doesn’t do well with death. I was forced to see her four times the year she died. I never once wanted to go and my father dragged me there so I resented him for that, and I resented the idea of going at all as a result.

    I got very angry and aggressive during my teen years. I also became severely depressed and refused to talk about it. Everytime someone said the word mum I would just burst into tears. It got easier. It just sucks that she never got to see me get engaged and married, but what can you do about it?

    Post # 50
    Member
    552 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    View original reply
    @MrsPanda99:  My heart goes out to you and your family, I’m sorry you have to endure the pain of knowing you’ll lose your dad too soon. As you can see from all the previous posters, everyone experiences loss in their own way. There is no wrong way to grieve, but from my personal experience I want to encourage you to seek the help that YOU need.  It’s wonderful that your family is close, which I suspect means that you are there to support one another, but it can be hard too since they’re dealing with their own grief. 

    When we lost my mom it was so hard and happened so quickly, she passed away 9 days after we found out she was terminal. She was the type of person who had only called off work sick once in her entire life.  When she passed I hadn’t yet come to terms with knowing we were going to lose her so I was in complete shock at first, which was difficult in its own way. On the other hand we didn’t have to endure the struggle you’re going through now. My dad’s and my mantra became “it is what it is.” I was surprised that I found so much comfort from people I wasn’t close with. An ex-coworker who I hadn’t seen in over a year coming to the calling hours, a phone call from an acquaintance I knew from some community theatre I had done a while back, the  sympathy card from someone I’d networked with through school and had only met a couple of times…I could name a dozen more examples.   For me, these gestures meant so much, I think in part, because they weren’t expected, but were from people who didn’t have to do what they did, but chose to. 

    There’s not a day that goes by, even 6 years later, that I don’t miss my mom. That’s ok though, it is what it is. 

    Post # 51
    Member
    1812 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

    View original reply
    @kmarie719:  “To make matters worse (or better?), his death literally changed my life. He had a substantial life insurance policy. If he didn’t die, I’d be 90k in student loans, would not be living in the new house DH and I just bought, and wouldn’t be driving my new car. As much as they say money doesn’t buy you happiness, as awful as I’m about to sound saying this, I do honestly feel it has helped me. I can’t imagine having to pay for my father’s funeral, cope with his death, AND cope with the daily financial struggles I was experiencing beforehand. But I’d give it all back if it meant we had more time.”
     

    I know exactly what you mean. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced it will ever truly appreciate that kind of feeling. It’s such a mishmash of feelings: the relief of kicking your debts in the butt, allowing yourself to focus on your grief, the guilt that you’re even an inkling happy about it, the warm fuzzies when you consider something big that you buy as their last gift to you, the feelings as if you traded your parent for money and would give literally anything to trade it back…. it’s very complicated, but I get you. Hugs!

    View original reply
    @208bride:  That stupid game!! Lol. I love playing CAH, even before the death, but damn that card! I’ve played maybe 4 times since my mom died, and TWICE someone has played that stupid card to me as the judge without knowing. I didn’t pick it because it caught me off guard both times and I just awkwardly picked another option. I threw away the card out of my own deck, but it still comes up in other peoples’ decks at parties. I just wish they’d play that one to the other judges for once. It’s such a crappy damper when 3 seconds ago you were having a great time, but you can’t say anything because you don’t want to draw attention or put a damper on everyone else’s fun. Can’t win!

    Edit: What makes it worse is my mom died before the holidays, and the card combo was something like “That moment when you realize the true meaning of Christmas is dead parents” – it’s an otherwise funny combo, but shit did that hit home.

    Post # 52
    Member
    421 posts
    Helper bee

    My mom passed in 2013 from a massive asthma attack. It hurts especially when i think of me getting married, knowing she won’t physically be there. I have custody of my little brother and i have my own child that i try to be strong for.Having a good support system also helps which i have. My Fiance and my family have been there every step of the way. It hasn’t been easy but i know my mom wouldn’t want me to be depressed ( very hard not to be) but that’s just how she was. Never wanting us to give up or feel like life is over because she isn’t here (we have had convo’s about if she wasn’t here) I am learning to take it one day at a time that’s all you can really do.

    Post # 53
    Member
    1896 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I’m 34 and I lost my mom a little over a week ago and just got back from helping my dad put things in order and firgure out what he’s going to do.  How did I cope?  Awkardly, my dad who was more emtional than I’ve ever seen him kept asking me why I wasn’t crying more.  He worried that I was keeping it all inside.  I finally told him that right now I have an extreme amount of anger over things that happened between my mom and I.  He was actually very understanding and just happy that I finally trusted him enough to open up to him.  So far this has brought my dad and I closer, as for resolving the anger, I guess only time will tell.

     

    Post # 54
    Member
    3139 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I was 32 when I lost my dad and my mom passed the following year. They were both in their late sixties, both lost to Cancer very quickly. My world was destroyed when I lost my Dad. I was always Daddys little girl who could do no wrong. I didn’t cope very well at all. I didn’t function I was just empty and lost. In fact I was engaged at the time to someone else, we were having issues and she pushed me too hard for answers I couldn’t give. I had nothing left to give anyone…. My world as I knew it had ended. so when she asked what I wanted I told her to leave if she didn’t want to be here… And she did…. I lost my dad, my partner, my fiancé all at once. 

    it will be seven years this year and I still feel like he is on an extended vacation 

    Post # 55
    Member
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2014 - Glen Sanders Mansion

    My father died at the very beginning of my college senior year spring semester. We were estranged, had no relationship. I resented him for not trying to have a relationship with me when I was not immediately warming up to him at 18 the way my younger sister did. I was very depressed for several months due to the guilt i had for losing out on what could have been a good relationship. eventually I had to stop blaming myself for it. It was not am easy road. 

    Post # 56
    Member
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2014 - Glen Sanders Mansion

    View original reply
    @andysgirl22:  I just saw this after posting a similar response. I know exactly what you mean, sending lots of hugs your way. 

    Post # 57
    Member
    2195 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    @MrsPanda99:  I lost my mother when I was 24/25. And then my grandmother who raised me 4 months later. I am 26 now.

    It’s really hard knowing they will never see me get married, or see my new baby or be at the baby shower.

    I cope by trying not to think about it, dwell on it, and know that they were both sick so now they aren’t in pain/suffering/depressed/at peace.

    Post # 58
    Member
    1087 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    Isn’t that a little mean? “Tell me about how you lost a parent even though I still have both of mine?”

     

    Post # 59
    Member
    502 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @stephee- it sounds like op is trying to connect with other people who has gone through the death of a parent, and get coping ideas. It doesn’t sound like her parent is healthy, and she is just wanting others to tell their stories for shits and giggles. If she did, I agree that would be mean. 

    “Ours is expected as he’s been fighting for awhile now. I have no frame of reference if that’s harder or not but all I know is that with every shitty test and bit of bad news, I feel sick, defeated”

    Post # 60
    Member
    2268 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @SouthernGirl:  “I lost my dad when I was 8. He was in a car accident. It sucks. He missed, and will miss, everything in my life. Sometimes I feel like I haven’t really coped with it at all. It’s been 15 years since he died, so I’ve spent more of my life without him than with him.

    I’m sorry you lost your Dad so young. I did too.

    I lost my Dad when I was seven and it’s been 15 years since he died. It was his birthday at the beginning of this month and I realised I’ve spent double the amount of my life without him than I did with him. That’s definitely a hard thing to think about.

    When you lose a parent so young – young enough to remember them, but too young to have lived the milestones of your life – you go through everything without them and every happy moment is touched with sadness because they’re not there.

    My Dad never gave the scary Father talk to my high school boyfriends; he didn’t tell me I looked beautiful when I went to my school Ball; he didn’t see me get into the top University in the country; he doesn’t know I travelled back to see his family; he’ll never meet my SO; never walk me down the aisle; never see his grandchildren. Everything that happens in my life happens without him.

    It also makes me sad to think that one day I’ll celebrate milestones he never reached; my 50th birthday, my children’s weddings, my children having children…all things he never experienced.

    Post # 61
    Member
    1604 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    My dad died,  of natural causes, when I was 11.  My mom did the work of 2 parents, made sacrifices, got 3 kids through college and grad school. 

    In some ways, the older I got, the more it hurt.  That my dad would never see my college graduation, my wedding.  But I know both my parents love(d) me.

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