Post # 1
Hello Bees! Beware this may be a little long but I am really just looking for advise.
I have been with my SO since summer before our freshman year of college. We met in high school actually choir to be exact but we didn’t officially get together until after graduation. We had a 4 year long distance relationship and we did not go to the same school. Those 4 years were hard but not impossible we made it work and our love was stronger.
Fast forward to graduation we both moved back home while we looked for the next steps in our lives. I found a job a couple months after graduation and he got in a car accident that put him on bed rest for a couple months. 3 years later he is fine and went back to school to finish a program and about 6 months ago he finally started his full time job. We have a joint savings and have been saving for the “future” for the last 3 years.
Now is our time finally almost 8 years and we went ring shopping in January. I feel like I’m on the tail end of my patience. Its been a long time coming and we’ve been talking about marriage for the past 2 years. Both still live at home. Due to religious reasons we can’t move in together and due to living in the silicon valley it makes it close to impossible to afford rent on one income so I stay home.
Now I am just itching to start a new chapter move out with him get married start a family. So on and so forth. I know he has the ring already But I just don’t know what he is waiting for now. We are in the same constant argument and always fighting. He asks for my patience and I try to give it to him but I feel now that I’ve been waiting for so long I’m running out of patience. Our fights are always the same now. Everything in life is a trigger. Trigger meaning of someone mentions babies weddings engagement I get all depressed and wishing my time would now sooner than later then we talk about it and he tries to comfort me but I just get all sad and depressed. Other triggers are family gathering. He has a huge family and we are them maybe 5 times a year but all those marriage questions I use to be able to shrug them off but now I just get sad and just try to brush it off as fast as I can
I feel so broken about all of this. I feel like I have revolved my life in the waiting phase. Like I can’t do anything until the waiting is over. Like he is the answer to my future or my happiness. I feel stupid for saying this but I feel like I can’t be happy living in my current situation and I’m just holding my breathe until I can finally have a future with him. I feel like I’m in limbo. I’m wondering if anyone else feels the same or remotely the same or think I’m just being dumb about it all and just wait.
Thanks for listening bees! Let’s chat 🙂
Post # 2
justkeepswimming: Perhaps he’s waiting until you stop fighting before he proposes?
I’m going to give it to you straight here – stop comparing your life to others. It is not a race or a competition. Once you can wrap your head around that, you won’t have any “triggers”, and therefore no fighting over this. In the past few days I’ve seen quite a few posts from newly engaged women who are upset with their proposal because they kept asking about it, but still wanted it to be a surprise. Or that they felt their Fiance just proposed to get her off his back. I highly doubt you would want to feel like this.
So my suggestion to you – STOP TALKING ABOUT IT! You know he has the ring. It’s only a matter of time. Stop fighting with him about it. The only thing that will result from fighting with him is that he’ll eventually go – “here’s the damn ring, happy now?” Enjoy this pre-engaged time and let him plan his proposal to the woman he loves.
Post # 3
I think part of the reason you feel you’re in limbo is because you still live with your parents. Have you considered moving out and living with some roommates? Even if you got engaged tomorrow, it would still probably be another year to the wedding right? So another year living with your parents and feeling like your life is on hold. I also think it’s a bad idea to get married if you’ve never had to live on your own before! Paying rent, solely responsible for your household, etc. But that’s another story.
This line was disturbing to me: “Like he is the answer to my future or my happiness.”
Your happiness should never revolve around another person, not even your husband. You alone determine your happiness. I think you need to be the active agent in your life. Time to move out of your parents’ house and start living like an adult. If you’re sure your SO is the one, then fine, but you don’t have to put your entire life on hold in the meantime. Move out, get some roommates, get a hobby, start living your life NOW. Do not depend on anyone else for your happiness.
You can do this!
Post # 4
soontobemrsKB92615: I completely agree and thank you for your advise. I don’t want the ring to be given just because he feels like he has to just so we can stop fighting I don’t think it will stop the fighting anyway it will just bring more issues up. Its something I need to fix within myself and that’s where I’m struggling. Its like I know what to do but someone I always fall short from trying. But I am definitely trying everyday and I thank you for giving me another perspective.
Post # 5
It seems like you don’t know what YOUR life is. Not your life with your family, or your life with him, but just your own. Your own activities, your own space, your own plans and goals. Even if you are going to be tied to him for life, you still need to have your own things. You are not the same person, and it seems like you would benefit from going out and developing a little bit of your own independence. I can’t imagine going straight from home into marriage, I know a lot of people do it, but I feel like the “roomate” phase of life teaches you so much about cohabitation and about who you are and how you funciton. I know living alone isn’t an option due to finances, but what about researching living outside of your family home with roomates just to foster a little bit of independence and getting an idea of how you really are totally capable of being on your own. I bet you would learn a lot about yourself and it might get you out of your waiting funk to see how much other cool stuff there is out there in the world!
Post # 6
tiffanybruiser: completely agree with you too. An engagement tonight won’t change anything tomorrow. I will still live at home. Hence why I have been trying to find a place with people or see if I can afford on my own. But I completely agree with you about not basing my hapiness on him. I feel like recently it has and I really want to find my way out of it. But definitely trying to move out on my own when possible. Thank you!
Post # 7
desertgypsy: completely agree! I lived on my own while I was in college and I loved it. One of the many reasons why a long distance didn’t phase me because I knew I had him supporting me but I had my own life my own activities my own friends. I miss living on my own well with roommates at least. My parents help pay for rent back then when I was in college. I’m just now trying to refincance my life to see if it’s remotely affordable.
Post # 8
I have read soooo sooooo many posts on here from women who pressure their partners constantly about a proposal. If you have had a mature adult conversation about eventually getting married and a rough timeline of when it’ll happen just stop pressuring him! I never once pressured my SO and I even told him when we first started talking about marriage a year ago that I would never pressure him.
What does pressuring get you? an annoyed SO and in most cases…fights! Just STOP! He will let you know when hes ready…
I also agree with PP about having your own life and identity outside of the relationship. For a relationship and especially marriage to work out sucessfully, each person has to be there own person before they take on the committment. Take on hobbies and focus on your career first because if anything were to happen with you two (break-up or even death of a spouse) you need to know you can take care of yourself and be on your own.
Post # 9
tiffanybruiser: +1 on all of this.
Post # 10
justkeepswimming: I think you need to get a life. Imagine that statement with a loving tone rather than an attitude-laden one. Even married people are happiest when they have their own interests and activities, even if those are separate from those of the spouse. You say you are religious — how involved are you in your faith community? Do you attend classes and community projects? Work with the youth in your church/synagogue/mosque/whatever? Do you have any hobbies that you are passionate about? Are there friends that you spend time with? If the answer to these questions is “no,” you probably need to motivate yourself to get more involved with your community or find something that interests you and do it or spend more quality time with positive friends. This is the cure for what ails you, trust me. It will make you a much more attractive partner as well.
Post # 11
justkeepswimming: I agree with the other posters especially tiffanybruiser. Part of your impatience is coming from the fact that you are living at home and waiting on him to propose so that you can move out and start your life with him. However, you can move out and have your own life pre-engagement also. It’s great to have some time to yourself to figure things out & experience on your own. Consider that as a next step. This way you’re doing something constructive while waiting.
Post # 12
I read your post, “Have you revolve your life in the waiting phase?”
I just wanted to share with you my similar post below:
9yrs together. Still no commitment.
We’ve also been talking about marriage. Since 4yrs ago actually. Though we want the same things, what’s been a struggle to accept is the length of time it’s taken him to propose.
I guess the main difference between our stories is that I was frustratingly impatient and considering that, I gave him an ultimatum. 2 ultimatums actually and both didn’t work. Despite those threats to leave him should he not propose, failed.
Please don’t go down that ultimatum path. They don’t work and it’ll only scar your relationship.
Relax, breath it out. From what I’ve read, you both love each other and are willing to make it work. So just let it be. You’ve discussed and agreed that marriage is what you both want. And that’s where it should end. Now leave the rest up to him.
Sorry, very random. I feel very scarred from what I’ve caused in my relationship and I just don’t want to see it happen to anyone else.
All the best, Bee!!
Post # 13
anonp: thank you! I was in a bad state a couple weeks ago. I felt like the wait was not going to end and I ended up stressing over it and stress ate a lot and gained weight from it. A week or two ago I refocused in what made me happy and just let him plan whatever it is he has planned. I focused on a healthy journey and got busy with work as well so it all worked out. I’m still not engaged still waiting on that But I made financial goals to be completely debt free from car loans student loans and credit card payments by July of this year and that is what is driving me right now focusing on that goal and making it happened. I’m almost done with it and I’m so excited 🙂