Post # 1
Let me be clear, though my Mom and I have had a tumultuous (but mostly good) relationship, I love her to death, and I know we only squabble because we have so many things in common.
That being said, she said something on Saturday that I’m having trouble moving past.
My mom has been married to four men (and had four weddings and a vow renewal.) Even though she’s from a time when there was a stigma against remarriage (much more than today), none of these events were sneak off quietly affairs. And again to be fair, I understand her reasons for each remarriage, except for maybe leaving the first one, who, by the way, is NOT my father, I just think he was the best for her, but she was young, and if she hadn’t left him, I wouldn’t be here, so…
Anyway. The problem.
She said to me on Saturday “You know, your 30 person wedding is embarassingly large for a 2nd wedding.” I’ve given myself a few days to mull it over, and instead of getting over it, I’m just getting angrier. I mean, really? Never mind that HALF of those guests are siblings and their spouses. But we’re having a small wedding because that’s what we wanted, not because we’d be embarassed by a larger one. And when I told her that she’d hurt my feelings by saying that, she said “oh, don’t be so sensitive.”
I’m of two minds about this, I could just ignore it, and do it anyway, or I could elope, for the sole purpose of not having to mess with it. But I really want the wedding I’ve been planning.
Anyhow, I’m just mad about it. Still.
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
Whaat? 30 people? Embarrassingly large? That’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard! I’m so sorry – don’t feel bad for what you’re planning. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with it!
Post # 4
I’d be mad, too. My mom has that attitude towards me with my dad. I’ll fester on things he says, get pissier and pissier, then i’m boiling and she goes “he didn’t mean it that way. chill out, it’s not a big deal” which doesn’t help. After venting to Darling Husband i usually cool down. That and a few days, maybe a week. He once suggested I put my kitty down b/c his vet bills were high (About $800-$1000 but nothing i coudln’t afford over 3 months) and mom didn’t see why i was so pissed. Anyways, it was the insensitivity of the remark that got to me, which I’m guessing is a big fueler for why you’re upset. That and a little bit of, “who is SHE to tlak to me about this?!” which would peeve me a lot. My aunt, who’s been married OVER 12 TIMES gave me “marriage advice” and that was just running through my head and ticking me off!
Mostly i’m just sympathizing with you. I have yet to find “the answer” to this dilemna. I usually ignore and fester tho
Post # 5
I don’t want to upset you, but that sounds like a statement that was intended to cause you pain, though maybe only subconsciously.
Do not change your wedding plans. I think you should confront your mom, and tell her, “that was a mean thing to say, I do not appreciate that at all, and I will not tolerate that kind of treatment. This is my choice, and as plenty of people have supported you in your choices in life, I hope you will find the grace to return the favor down the line. If such grace is not within you, the least you could do is grin and bare it. I will not tolerate hurtful comments.”
Don’t ask her to apologize, just tell her how it is going to be. She isn’t going to say those things anymore. Next time she starts on it, hang up the phone or walk away. No need to scream, just don’t acknowledge it.
Post # 6
That’s crazy talk! 30 people seems to me the definition of an intimate and small affair, not “embarrassing” at all–and anyway I wouldn’t be embarrassed even if you had a big blowout for a second marriage, who cares? It’s you and your FI’s time to celebrate your love for one another!
I think moms can sometimes just get an extra dose of crazy during weddings–many of them have got lots of mixed emotions swirling around (happiness, envy, worry, desire to control everything, you name it).
Post # 7
have your wedding the way YOU want it.
Post # 8
Thats just rude. You should have whatever kind of wedding you want- regardless of it being your 1st or 6th or whatever. Not nice, I’d be miffed.
Post # 9
That’s a tough thing to say, no wonder you haven’t been able to get over it. One thing I’ve found helpful is to let my mom know that the reason I get so hurt by what she says is that I love her lots and value her opinion more than most. And emphasize that you are so happy with your wedding; it’s hard to be harsh to someone who’s floating on air. Good luck!
Post # 10
I agree with everyone here. It’s YOUR wedding… maybe she has something else on her mind that would make her say something like that. Often times when someone says something out-of-character like that, they may be having some other conflict within themselves. Try not to take it personally! <3
Post # 11
Have YOUR WEDDING…if YOU want to elope…then elope….if YOU want the 30 people ceremony….havei t! …and just understand that you won’t get an apology and move it along. Don’t let her spoil your brain. Was it out of line…yes…are you going to get the apology you want? No. Is 30 people too much? Nope. Be happy you are getting married!!! Congrads!
Post # 12
I just read this blog entry today, and when I saw your post, I thought I would share it, as it is such a good reminder that a second wedding isn’t a “lesser” wedding. http://www.apracticalwedding.com/2010/02/on-second-weddings.html
Post # 13
THANK YOU @Kateworm for sharing this. I read through the whole thing and most of the comments. It was just what I needed to hear, and I’ll more than likely go back to it again when I need a reminder so that Fiance and I can have the wedding we’d like to have.