(Closed) Haven't even entered a store and my mom is already driving me insane.

posted 4 years ago in Dress
Post # 2
Member
5018 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

Honestly, based on the conversation you shared with us above it does sound like you are being the argumentative one.  Your Mom is sharing her opinion like anyone would do.  Ultimately it is your dress and you get to decide what to wear.  

ETA: It’s great that you have an idea of what you would like to wear.  However you will probably be surprised once you start trying on gowns at which point you will discover what is truly flattering on your figure.

Post # 3
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

Maybe your example isn’t the best, but it definitly sounds like you’re the one hell bent on arguing.

I do get it, that maybe your personality just clashes with your mom’s (mine clashes with my mom’s). However, when you do go dress shopping with her, maybe take a deep breath and actually listen to what she is saying, or the advice she is offering. Don’t immediatly reject it just because she said it. Even if you don’t agree, that little break where you take a moment to think it over may make your mom not immediately think you’re just being reactive.

And the Bee is filled with brides who ‘knew exactly’ what they wanted in a dress (myself included)…but came away with something completly different! You just never know!

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  steny03.
Post # 5
Member
47385 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
Clairetoris:  You are giving your opinion. She is giving hers. Nothing more. Nothing less.

If you don’t want her opinion,either don’t discuss things in front of her, or tell her.

“I’m only talking out loud Mom. I really don’t care to hear your opinion. I just need you to agree with mine.”

Or, you could try

” I respect your opinion Mom. You do raise points that I might not have thought of.  I need you to know that, in the end, I will make the decision that’s right for me. I hope that you wil be able to support my final decision and not try to undermine my choices after I have made them.”

Post # 6
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee

I suspect that your mother has always expressed her opinion in similar ways.  She’s not going to magically change because it’s your wedding.  If you don’t want to hear her opinion then maybe shop without her?  Or do as PP suggested and simply say you’d prefer her support rather than her opinion.  

Post # 8
Member
3030 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

If you don’t want your motheer’s opinions or input then you simply stop sharing things with her. If you do, then you accept that everyone will have an opinion and you learn how to accept those opinions while sticking to your choice. I agree with PP’s that your mother just sounded like she was casually sharing her thoughts and not demanding anything…meanwhile you sounded way too on the defensive in the conversation.

“You’re right, it does make her waist smaller. However, I’m going to stick to no belt since that’s what I love. Thanks for your points!”

“I didn’t think about that with the train. I’ll take it into consideration. Thank you!”

I would say if you enjoy your mom for the most part, have a good realtionship, and if you want the mother experience in your wedding planning…you should probably cut your mom a little slack (and this is just going off what you’ve only put in this topic). Some brides don’t have supportive mothers at all, some may not have mothers present period, some have mothers that just aren’t into weddings (that’s okay). However, a lot of brides on here, myself included, would have loved to see their mother take an interest in dress shopping even if opinions weren’t the same.

Post # 9
Member
9547 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

If it were me, I would just try responding to her input with non-committal stuff, like ‘ uh huh’ and ‘well that’s a point ‘ , ‘do you think  so?’ and the like. It what I do (not often enough !) with my husband  when his ‘advice’ is superflous to requirements and it does avoid arguments.

And, like pps have said it’s possible you may change your mind when you actually see them on you . Either way, it”ll save  aggro   

Post # 10
Member
590 posts
Busy bee

Try answering a little bit different. Defending why you don’t like something is arguing  instead try saying something positive about what she just said. After,  let her know what you’re looking for and why you like it and how you would like her to help you find your style of dress. 

Try to keep this experience positive even though dress shopping is stressful especially when you’re getting so many different opinions. It’s your day and your dress! At the end everybody wants to just be involved in part of dress shopping but I don’t think that means you need to buy the dress that same day. Try on a few different  styles just to please everybody and then come back on another day and choose the dress that you really like. 

Good luck

 

 

Post # 11
Member
221 posts
Helper bee

Going dress shopping by yourself would solve the problem

Post # 12
Member
2171 posts
Buzzing bee

There is some good advice here. Is anyone going with the two of you dress shopping? If a close friend or relative is availble, it might be a good idea to bring them along to help buffer things. Good luck. 

Post # 13
Member
224 posts
Helper bee

I know how you feel because my mum is also like this. We’ve argued about everything with my wedding. But I would never buy a wedding dress without my mum seeing it. 

A lot of brides walk into the store with an idea of what they want but walk out with a completely different dress. Let her pick a few dresses for you, if you don’t like it then you don’t like it. 

Post # 14
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
Clairetoris:  hi, i just thought I’d pipe in with an “I can relate” my Mam es nt try to tell me what to wear anymore but her older sister, like my grandma is paying for my dress and told me it “wasn’t appropriate for a wedding” and I should get a shawl or a shrug ect. So I just said “thanks for the advice I’ll see what  can find” and I’m not even going to look.  

 mother dearest, on the other hand is hell bent on making our small, intimate, relaxed las-Vegas wedding a full day affair. So my stock phrases I use with her are:

“Mam, it’s a small wedding with lunch we don’t need (insert blank)” (invitations, favours, speeches, programs)

“thats a good idea, Mam, but I don’t think we have time for (blank), lets see  the rest of the week goes and maybe we can think  about it later”-never speak of it again.

or when she just won’t listen to anything:

“Mam, I have told you what we want to do.  it sounds like it’s not enough for you. So why don’t you go ahead with (ridiculous suggestion) and we (me and FH) will just chill by the pool and see you for dinner?”

 

our mothers mean well, they  been dreaming of this day longer than us, they just need reminding that it’s not their wedding and they need to listen to us and what we want.

Post # 15
Member
1987 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
Clairetoris:  You say that your mother has been laid back about other wedding things, but has she always been laid back about your appearance in general?  My own mother is laid back with me about everything except what I wear/how I look.  She has projected her own issues with appearance onto me for a very long time, despite my attempts to explain how her behavior is hurtful.  Because of this, I do not shop around her or ask for her counsel on anything related to my appearance.  If I ever even had a dream of shopping for a wedding dress with my mother, it was a dream that died early.

However, if this has come up only around the topic of the wedding dress, you should probably use the strategy of being very clear with her about how her comments are making you feel.  I’m resistant to the idea that you should let her pick dresses for you to try but that is, no doubt, due to my own personal situation.  However, if she continues making this more of an issue than you want it to be then I agree with all the other posters who say that you should basically just stop talking about the matter with her.

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