(Closed) having a baby at 40?

posted 11 years ago in 40 Something
Post # 17
Member
7039 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I would go to your doctor and have them assess where you are with your fertility levels. Personally, I think at that age I would have to choose having the baby sooner vs upping the serious risks of having a baby at 40. I think once you’ve waited that long, your ability to put it on the backburner is basically taken away.

While, in general, I completely support waiting to have kids until it’s best for you, i think – to me – I would not be able to forgive myself for waiting if my child ended up having Down Syndrome or not being able to conceive (for example – there are a ton of other things that could go wrong).

In my family, women have had horrible, dangerous pregnancies beyond age 35, so I will not even temp fate on my end.

Post # 18
Member
234 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Congratulations! And if you’re not ready for kids, don’t rush into it.

When I get married, I will be five months short of my 42nd birthday. My doctor said my chances of conceiving and carrying are slim — slimmer without IVF. I am in particularly good shape, but she said that would only reduce my risk of pregnancy related illnesses such as diabetes.

On the other hand, a friend of mine accidentally got pregnant at 40, had an easy pregnancy, and gave birth at 41 to a healthy, heavy baby.

Have you considered other options, such as a surrogate or adoption (my fiance and I are planning on the latter even though we will try for a biological child as well.)

Post # 19
Member
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

My FI’s uncle is 49 and his gf is in her 30’s (not sure how old exactly) and they had a baby just a week or two after I had mine. That makes their son about 4 months old. He will be in his 60’s for the teenage years and he is fine with that. I think that if you are in good health and will be able to keep up with a kid when you are an older man/woman then go for it. My grandmother was in her 40’s when she had my dad andhad no problems taking care of him and his 5 older siblings…though some were already out of the house by the time he was born.

Post # 20
Member
5 posts
Newbee

My mom was 36 when she had me and back then she was an older mom.  (I was the youngest of 4)  I would definately say that there were advantages to having an older mom, but I also gave her the most hell as a teenager.  She was kind of out of the loop on what we were doing.  (good time, hehehe)  I would definately make an appointment with your doctor so they can give you the information you need to make your decision.  Hopefully you will have no trouble TTC, however if you do, you will have shorted yourself three years of trying to become pregnant.  I can relate though, I got pregnant in my first year of marraige and while she is my life, my husband and I missed out on just being a married couple alone.

Post # 21
Member
881 posts
Busy bee

@shelbifox15:

I’ll be 37 in February and still haven’t felt a clock tick!  I just don’t have the desire to have a child at all.  Add to that I’m a Ecology major (we’re going to have more people than space to grow food within the next 40 yearsSurprised) and I don’t see myself procreating any time soon.  I’ve decided that if I do want a child sometime and can’t have one naturally then I will adopt one of the very many hungry mouths out there that want a forever home.  Actually, I may adopt anyway and not even try to have one naturally due to the huge overpopulation crisis our world is facing.

My sister, on the other hand, just had her first little bundle of joy at 41 – she did IVF and got pregnant on the first try and had an easy, healthy pregnancy.  Her age wasn’t a factor for IVF but scar tissue from fibroid scraping.  So you just never know but I say do what feels right to you.  If having a few years with your hubby without children seems right (and I am a huge supporter of that) then come what may.  Good luck!

Post # 22
Member
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Have an FSH blood test in your doctors office. You can have this done on the 3rd day of your menstrual cycle. It measures the “follicle stimulating hormone” that is being released in your body.  This will give you some peace or might get you going faster than you had expected.

My levels were good from 36, 37, and 38. I turned 40 this year and recently miscarried while we were planning our wedding. Please talk to your doctor as no one can guess anything or suggest anything without having some testing done.  And even with testing, realize that your fsh can spike at any time without any given warning. 

Post # 23
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I am 39 and getting married next year. We originally planned to be married LAST year (so I would have been 38) but immigration issues got in the way. The best part of being married is being together. With our original plan we definitely wanted to have a baby since my HTB doesn’t have kids. This is a second marriage and I have 2 healthy sons from my first. I talked to my doctor and he says that there shouldn’t be any problems getting prenant before 43 (the age goes up if it isn’t your first pregnancy) so we are still going to try.

The postponed wedding means that we have had 2 years of “us” time albeit not in the same house. Since getting bumped up takes time we can start right away and stay relaxed about the whole thing – which is the key to getting preganant! We will still likely have about a year of “us” time under the same roof while we work at it and Lord knows that “work is gonna be FUN!

In the end here’s a big HUG – and best wishes. Just relax, you waited this long, the right thing will happen in its time.

Post # 24
Member
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m a young 41 and my dh is 45.  I can have a baby and still undecided if we’ll do this or not, but I can.

My dh’s mom had him close to 40.  She had no issues.  I am healthy, lead a healthy lifestyle, and think it’s up to the mom and dad to be, if they choose to become parents.

If you doc gives you the go-ahead, I say bring more love into the world!  Personally I’ve had quite a few friends have babies at 40 or even older.

 

Post # 25
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@ bellenga: Being “healthy” has nothing to do with whether a woman’s fertility endures past 40. As I mentioned earlier in this thread, my fertility had evaporated by the time I was 36 and nothing could bring it back. I’m slim, physically fit, youthful and eat a very healthy diet. At that point, I looked and felt about 28. You would never have guessed from looking at me that I couldn’t get pregnant.

I was shocked at the news because I too believed I was doing everything right and should have no trouble making babies. At the same time, I had friends and co-workers several years older than I who were obese, not exercising, drinking and smoking, eating junk food and getting pregnant like they were teenagers. It’s all a roll of the dice, and unfortunately, the odds get worse (and the risks get higher) the older we get.

Saying that women who “lead a healthy lifestyle” will have no issues is not only naive;  it implies that infertile women somehow brought it upon ourselves by our bad habits, which is both unfair and untrue. Fertility is a very complex puzzle and our habits are only one piece.

I hope you’re correct that you and your husband can have a baby if you want one, but just because you can this year doesn’t mean you STILL can the next year or the next. If you’re serious, don’t wait much longer. Should you need help, fertility clinics are very reluctant to work with women in their mid-40s or older. They’ll tell you to find a young egg donor, end of story.

Post # 26
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee

@jadeblue: I second Jade. Good job at telling the harsh truth without sounding like a debbie downer 😀

Post # 27
Member
344 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@Belle2Be: Thanks so much for the feedback! I am almost reluctant to speak on the subject because I know I can be intense and I don’t want to come across as attacking fellow Bees, for whom I wish nothing less than everything you desire. The truth is, I’m a walking cautionary tale on the dangers of putting off childbearing and if I can help others be better informed it brings me peace. I sure wish I’d had better information earlier in life! All we see is smiling 40-something celebrities having babies like it’s a piece of cake, but believe me that’s not the whole story.

Post # 28
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I want to share my story with you, but first thing is- EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT! so, what happened to me doesn’t necessarily mean it would happen to you. But it could.

I was 36 (almost 37) when Fiance and I started to TTC. I was really shocked when it didn’t work the natural way. I went to the dr, and they told me that i had to try on my own for at least 6 months (it’s a year for someone younger, but after 35, it’s 6 months). We did that. nothing. So my regualr gyn said we could try a drug called chlomid. Three miserable months later, nothing. thens he sent em to a fertility specialist. And he tried another drug. Then we tried 3 IUIs. Then I had to switch drs. because the dr. i was seeing made an error, then lost my records. So, we tried another IUI. I had a lultitude of tests, some very painful. Then we went to the major drugs…and three IVFs.

During this time, my life was miserable. I got huge from the drugs, I went through painful testing, and i got knocked out for IVFs three times (always a risk). It did some damage to my relationship, caused me to feel HORRIBLE about myself for not being able to conceive, and made me a good 10 lbs heavier. And now that I have taken all those drugs for the IVFs, my cancer risk is higher.

All of this…because I waited. By the time I got thorugh the process to IVF, my eggs had aged considerably. By the time I got to my last IVF (it’s a long process to get to that point), I had no quality eggs left to speak of. I was 39.

I am not saying this to scare you, I am saying this so that you will know that it is very much a reality for a lot of women (or fertility facilities wouldn’t exist). I find it deplorable that celebrities wait so long then make it look easy to get pregnant at an “advanced maternal age” (that’s what they will call you when you walk in the door at your age- or you’ll hjear “elderly mother”). Celebs have tons of money to go through lots of expensive treatments (one IVF was about $15,000, not including the drugs and drs. visits). I was fortunate to have insurance cover it but most states don’t require that). Celebs can afford that, and they can afford to utilize another woman’s eggs if they want to (that costs about $30,000 with no guarantee of success).

so, my advice to you is, don’t wait. Don’t wait assuming it won’t be too late. If you do a little research online you will find thousands of women who go through what I went through. Again, it is not everyone. But if you take a look at statistics of success for women your age, and add in the high risk pregnance factor, and realize that if you do have issues, it will be very difficult for you emotionally as well as physically, even if you can conceive, perhaps you will rethink waiting. i hope that you do. Because I don’t think i will ever truly get over it, and i don’t want you to have the regrets that i have.

Post # 29
Member
5879 posts
Bee Keeper

Ladies thank you for sharing your experiences. I do think the media makes it seem like its SOOO easy to get pregnant for women 35+  but the reality is women’s fertility does start to wane. We don’t have the luxury that men get of being able to easily conceive inspite of our age.

Of course everyone is quick to share positive stories about how they got pregnant later in life, or their friend or women in their family were able to have healthy children in their late 30’s/early 40’s.  But the reality is ALOT more women DON’T readily share the pitfalls because it is so painful, to be in the what seems to be the minority of women who can’t conceive easily. Many of the seemingly “oops” babies from older couples were far from it, because many ppl do not openly shares their IVF/fertility treament expereinces with the world (not saying that they should, cuz it is a private matter).

I’ve had baby pangs for YEARS but have put off having a child for a variety of justified  reasons (emotional maturity, financial etc) and trust me it gets hard when my BF and younger nephews are all having kids around me. Of course hindsight is always 20/20 and I know ppl say “everything happens when its supposed to”, but if I could do it over, i would not have waited this long TTC. I’m planning a wedding for next year (date still isn’t set) and we don’t want to pregnant before, so now it’s still six-eight months before we can start and in the back of my mind there is a constant thought of hoping that I haven’t taken a bad gamble.

Post # 30
Member
2166 posts
Buzzing bee

I never wanted a baby before in my life and now, with my current partner, I can’t imagine *not* having a baby.

I will be 40 in January.

Here’s hoping that I am able to do so.

Funny, I used to never worry about getting pregnant except if I forgot my bcp.  Now?  I worry for the opposite.

I haven’t started trying but I wonder what will happen when I do

Post # 31
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: June 2008

I had my last child at 40 she is now 6.. no problems at all with the pregnancy  Good luck   

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