Having a baby when you have teens and preteens? Anyone start over?

posted 7 months ago in Parenting
Post # 16
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

My SO and I are dealing with this, too. I don’t have any biological children but he has a 14 and a 10 year old. We decided pretty early on that we would have more children, despite the possible difficulties.

I was 17 when my youngest brother was born, and my middle brother was 12. I think situations like this are becoming more common. I know that several of my stepsons’ friends have siblings that are 10+ years younger than them. People make it work.

Post # 17
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

mel2 :  Glad I could voice a few thoughts! You have a couple years to decide, I’d think really hard on what you want or could do together.

Maybe it’s being a parent to a baby, or maybe you travel all over the world as a couple, and go on adventures, and being kick ass grandparents (heck, that could be in 10 years or less!) who babysit, bring the grandkids to Disneyland and water parks, and attend every ball game they have.

Lots of ways to have “do overs” in life, just figure out which is the best for you and your relationship! 

Post # 19
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2020 - Australia

Good luck with your decision (does sound like you’re leaning towards no). 

The only situation I can think of it’s one where a lady I know had a baby later in life with a big age gap (20ish years) and her son’s partner also fell pregnant around the same time. There could be a situation (if you had a child) where your child and grandchild could be closer in age than the siblings 🙂 which isn’t a problem of course just if grandkids are in the next ten years it may be something to look forward to and throw your all at. If you still had a youngish child this could take away from that stage in your life. 

Post # 20
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I was a nanny for a family who had a 16, 13, 4 and newborn. They were all biological siblings, but between the first set and second set (they call them sets), the husband went back to school & started a new career. They also had to buy a larger house. I’m still in contact with them now. The 2nd child is heading to college in the fall and the mom is happy they still have 2 more little kids to care for. Plus the littles REALLY look up to their big siblings. It’s very cute! And they were able to help out when the 2 youngest were babies. 

Post # 21
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

My future in-laws more or less did this. My fiance’s Youngest brother is 15 years younger than he is (there are 5 kids total). Honestly, it’s not a decision I would make. His parents always seem SO tired and will basically be paying college tuition for 19 years without a break by the time the youngest graduates. The financial strain of that alone would be too much for me. On the other hand, my parents (who are the same age as his) have really enjoyed their 50s without the burden of paying tuition. They travel a lot and will retire soon. My in-laws will be in their late 60s when the youngest graduates from undergrad. It feels like a lot. 

Post # 22
Member
2110 posts
Buzzing bee

I have three half brothers who were 18, 12 and 9 when I was born. My parents were 39 and 37 when they had me. My parents seemed to really enjoy being “older” parents and I always had a babysitter with my oldest brother. 

My husband is 33 and has a 12 year old and a 9 year old. We are expecting our first child together in May and we are feeling very excited. Hoping because the kids are older and pretty much look after themselves in terms of entertainment/self care it should be easier than if they were younger. 

Post # 23
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

I was 16 and my brother 18 when our youngest sister was born. 

Post # 24
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

mel2 : I agree with a PP. Take care with the other kids when considering this. My childhood bff and her sister were 9 and 11 when her mom remarried and had three babies in a row. My bff hated it and frequently told me that her mom acted like she wanted to divorce her and her sister too. I’m not sure if that was necessarily true but that is what I remember. They eventually chose to live with their dad when they got a little bit older because things got too crowded at their mother’s. So in a way they got edged out of their mom’s new family. I’m not saying that this will happen. But you need to take into account that your children might have some feelings towards this.

Post # 25
Member
909 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t think age gap between siblings matters. As a foster parent, I heard so many stories of neglectful or abusive parenting….age of parents or of other kids seems to me to be pretty unimportant.

Post # 26
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

Well you are you busy her than I am—- and I’m thinking of having my first child soon! My husband is 14 years younger than his sibling and they have a great relationship.

Post # 27
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

 

Not exactly the same situation as one person was child free but….My Maid/Matron of Honor married a man 11 years ago that is 10 years her senior. He had 2 children from his previous 20 + year marriage. They were 19 and 21 at the time I believe. She had her first child at 39 and second at 41. So, they now have 2 that are in their late 20s and two that are in grade school. It’s not an easy run for them. He was fully on board to becoming a parent again because she desperately wanted children and he has always been a fabulous dad….but,  he often says things like “I can’t do this again” when their girls are being difficult. The stress is overwhelming him. The result is that my friend feels that she has to take on more and more because she’s the one that wanted children ( don’t get me wrong, he’s not a bad guy, he just has 2 grade school aged children and he’s in his 50’s…he’s tired ). She’ll be 49 this year and she’s also exhausted and unfortunately their relationship is suffering and resentment is building….

My husband and I are both 47 years old and have 4 between us ranging from 16-23. My bonus daughter also had a child at 18 so I’m a grandma as well… I ( and my Darling Husband ) would rather slit our own throats than have anymore lol. I do get it though because even we, who are totally on the hell no bandwagon have wondered what “our” children would be like.

I understand the temptation as it’s easy to believe that there is an opportunity to get it right this time ( we also had really crappy exes )….but at what cost? For us, I would worry that the dynamic of our relationship would change, that something created with the best of intentions would have unfortunate and sad consequences and that it’s easy to believe that because you coparent so well now it would translate into a similar dynamic with your own child…but would it? My Maid/Matron of Honor thought so… mel2 :  

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