(Closed) Having a change of heart (?)

posted 6 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

Honestly,

I think every person deep down wants to have a family. How will you feel if you’re old and you have no one to care for you? I don’t mean to offend you..

My grandmother was in a nursing home for a short while and I met several people there that were married, but did not have children. They all said they regreted not having kids because now they are just in a nursing home waiting to die. They have no one to care for them or to love them because their parents were dead and so were all their friends.

You Fi is scared of being a father because his father was a douche. He’s scared he might end up like him, but every person is different. You don’t know what type of a father you’re going to be until you have kids.

I didn’t want kids at first too until I visited my grandma in the nursing home. Ever since then, I want kids. I cannot imagine my life without them. I plan on having one of my own and adopting as well.

 

I know kids can be annoying at times, but if they are your kids, I am pretty sure you will love them no matter what.

 

Before you have kids, adopt a dog from a shelter or become a foster parent for animals or humans. Or even become an animal bottle feeder. You can sign up to be a volunteer through your local shelter.

The reason why I suggest these is because these are the things that will make you feel like you’re responsible for another life. Caring for a day old orphaned kitten is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, so far. Knowing you saved a life is the most rewarding. If you can do that, you can very well be a wonderful parent.

 

Best wishes,

 

Maria

Post # 4
Member
580 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@babylo0n

What you just posted is insulting on so many levels.

First of all, a family does not have to include children. My SO and I are a family, whether we have pets or kids.

Secondly, not eveybody has a deep down desire to have ‘a family’ – as you define it. I certainly don’t.

Also, just because you have kids does NOT mean they will look after you when they are old, I know many people in nursing homes who have families that don’t visit. And by your logic, why aren’t you looking after you grandparents?

I’m not trying to personally attack you or anything but your post did get to me. Maybe that’s my fault – maybe I’m being too sensitive.

To the OP:

There are a few thread on here about being CFC, with links to other blogs and forums you may find useful to read. I would definitely recommend speaking to your partner about it, and ultimately decider if it’s a dealbreaker for either of you. Good luck! 🙂

Post # 5
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Koi Fishie – I think the reaction for many younger men is to be “kids? um.. no kids please…” A lot of men that I’ve known for several years, when in their teens and early 20s, didn’t want kids. But around 25-30, they change their mind to want kids. (I’m not saying to wait around and hope he changes his mind though. I’m just saying the idea of kids scares a lot of younger guys.)

This is definately something to talk to him about and make sure you’re on the same page, and make sure he doesn’t think you want kids right now, but someday in the future.

Post # 6
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

My mother always told me that you should never expect someone to change, simply because you have.  If you want children, and not having them will be a deal breaker you need to voice this opinion to your SO and don’t waiver. 

I firmly believe that 3 conversations HAVE to happen before deciding to get married:

1) Will we have children

2) How will we care for our parents/family when they need care

3) What are our “ultimate goals” for life

If you have widely differing views on any of these, I think it has the potential for MAJOR issues down the road

Post # 7
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Mrs.SleepyKitty:  You’re not being too sensitive – that first post’s idea that children should be had so you arent alone in a nursing home (and to fulfill the idea of a nuclear family) is ignorant and frankly, as someone also on the fence about children, unhelpful.

 

OP, I think you should talk to your guy, not in a decisive way that you must have kids (since hats not what you said), but that he knows it’s not black and white for you. As you move forward things will come up that are awkward to talk about but you should have open lines of communication and a willing, accepting ear to listen. It’s important to broach this subject before marriage. And I think your position is totally reasonable and he should get a fair chance to consider it.

Post # 8
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think you definitely need to broach the subject with him.  Whether or not you want kids is a HUGE thing to disagree about in a serious relationship (I know you said you aren’t sure either way at this point but that is still in disagreement to his firm “no kids” stance).  He deserves to know how you are feeling about this.

Post # 9
Member
650 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

This is one of those things that you have to be on the same page about or else it causes huge problems down the road in a relationship. You shouldnt have to give up the hope and dream of someday maybe being a mother, he shouldnt be forced to be a parent if his heart is not in it.

That being said, I know that my Fiance never wanted kids. I have been honest with him in how much I do want them. He now is warming up to the idea, but he does not pressure me to decide yes or no. He gives me the OPTION as to whether or not we someday have them, and that means a lot to me. He isnt against it, but he is not chomping at the bit at the moment. Having that option, and knowing my partner is 100% ok with whether we do or don’t, means so much to me.

No matter what is going on, you need to seriously talk about it.

Post # 10
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MRSLMA:  100% agreed!  I think so many people think they’ll cross those bridges when they get there, not realizing how important it is to be on the same page ahead of time!!!

 

@babylo0n:  Wow, that’s not a very kind statement to make to many people out there.  There are quite a few people in the world who are unable to bear children… so they are sentenced to die alone in a nursing home?  I’ve seen a lot of active elderly people who are enjoying their lives, NOT living in nursing homes and not dependent on their adult children to provide entertainment and society for them.  Additionally, not everyone wants a family bigger than themselves and their spouse.  Yes, 2 people can make a family.  Urging people to have children for the sake of meeting your definition of “family” and because they’ll one day be old is not responsible.  People should have children because they want to devote their lives to a LIFELONG committment to raising a human being, through the good times and bad.

ETA: There is no guarantee that when you’re old, your children will still be alive or be able to care for you.

Post # 12
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Koi Fishie:  You definitely need to let him know what’s maybe going on in your head, even if it’s just as casual as a “Hey, you know how we were both solid black on that whole kid thing? I think I might be a teensy bit closer to dark gray now. Just a heads up.” 

Good luck whichever way things go!

Post # 13
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Koi Fishie:  Definitely have an open, honest discussion with your SO.  Sometimes it helps just to talk through the process of some feelings.  You’re right, it’s not just 18 years, it’s lifelong.  And whether the child is perfect, has physical disabilities, or mental disabilities, you’re signed on to be that child’s parent – caregiver, teacher, protector, it has a lot of roles within the title of “parent.”  Just make sure that whatever decision you come to is right for you and what you want for your life, not the all-powerful ‘wanting what you can’t have’ instinct.  Some women on here can’t bring themselves to get permanent sterilization because they fear that it will cause them to want what they can’t have, and conversely seeing your friends on facebook showing their updates and pictures of their kids may also affect how you’re feeling about it.  For me personally, I remind myself that those people never post pictures and cutesy updates when their kid poops all over their new shirt or takes a golf club to the tv, lol

I don’t want to sway you in any way though, I truly want you to make a good decision that you’ll never regret and be happy with.  Look to what you want for your future… what do you see for yourself?  

Post # 15
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Maybe it would help if you sat down and wrote out your thoughts and feelings, sort of like a journal entry.  It’s a completely neutral place to put your craziest thoughts without being judged and without worry of how it’ll come across to anyone.  It might help you sort of define your feelings on the subject, even if it means that you’re simply on the fence about having kids.  Look back at it once in awhile, add to it sometimes, and it’ll become a process in eventually coming to an answer.  

Then, when you’re ready to discuss this further with your SO, you’ll feel more collected and rational about it rather than feeling like a flood of mixed emotions.

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