(Closed) Having a crappy day … got any jokes?

posted 9 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

A lady goes into a veteranarian’s office holding a limp duck under her arm. She says to the vet "we’ve had this duck for many years. I think he’s dead, but we love him and want to make sure." The veteranarian takes the duck, puts it on his examining table, examines the duck and says "I do believe he’s dead, but do you want a further test?" The woman nods her head. The vet whistles and a large black laborador retreiver comes out, puts his paws on the edge of the table, sniffs the duck thoroughly up and down, turns to the vet, and sadly shakes his head. The vet says "I guess your duck is really dead." The woman says "Are you absolutely sure–is there another test?" The vet whistles again and this time a large cat appears, jumps on the table, sniffs the duck, and shakes her head. The vet says "the duck, I’m afraid, is dead." The woman accepts this, and asks about the bill. The vet says the bill is $500. The woman says "$500 is a lot of money just to find out my duck died." The vet says "Well, my own exam is only $100, but it was $200 for the Lab test and $200 for the Cat scan."

Post # 4
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Haha… That was cute. Good one heathaah!

@ HumarockBride – I am sorry you are having a bad day today. I will see what kind of joke I can come up with to help cheer you up!

Post # 5
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

Q: What kind of bees make milk?

A: Boobies. 

Post # 6
Member
773 posts
Busy bee

Oh, also, in duck-themed jokes:

 

A duck walked into a bar and asked the bartender, do you have any cranberry juice?  The bartender said no, and the duck left.  The next day, the duck came back in and asked, again, "do you have any cranberry juice?"  Again, the bartender told him no, and the duck left.  The next day, the duck came back to the bar and asked, "do you have any cranberry juice?"  The bartender said, "No, and if you come in here asking for cranberry juice again, I’ll nail your bill to the bar." The next day, the duck walked in and asked, "Do you have any nails?"  The bartender said no.  The duck then asked, "Do you have any cranberry juice?" 

Post # 7
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

What kind of shoes do frogs wear in the summertime?

Open-toad sandals!

Post # 8
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I got something better than a joke….

TACOS. LoL. This site always makes me laugh 

[attachment=212138,20384] [attachment=212138,20385]

Post # 9
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Sorry to any blondes this may offend but as a blonde, I thought it was funny….

Bob,a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 pm news was coming on.  The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. 

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he’ll jump?"

Bob said,"You know, I bet he’ll jump."  
 

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won’t."

Bob placed a$20 bill on the bar and said, "You’re on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.  The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair’s fair.  Here’s your money."

Bob replied,"I can’t take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn’t think he’d do it again." Bob took the money… 

 

Post # 11
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Since I can’t seem to come up with any jokes, here are a few more cat pics to enjoy!

[attachment=212160,20386] [attachment=212160,20387]

Post # 12
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Sorry… One more.

[attachment=212162,20388]

Post # 13
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

A man calls home one day and his daughter answers the phone. The man says "Honey, I’m on my way home. Will you see if mommy wants anything from the store?" The daughter replies "Well she is upstairs with Uncle Charlie." The father says "We don’t have an Uncle Charlie. Go upstairs and tell her I am in the driveway." So the little girl goes upstairs and tells her mom this. She comes back to the phone and says "Ok, I told them." The father asks "what did they do?" The daughter replies "Well mom started screaming and changing her clothes and Uncle Charlie jumped out the window into the pool." The father is confused and says, "but honey, we don’t have a pool." The daughter says "of course we do! We go it last year!" The father then says, "honey, go upstairs and tell your mother you were just kidding."

Post # 14
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’m all about the cheezy popsicle-stick quality jokes.

What did one strawberry say to the other?
If you weren’t so fresh, we wouldn’t be in this jam!

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillow?
It’s making headlines.

What are the two sexiest farm animals?
Brown Chicken, Brown Cow! (OK, that one only works when you say it out loud.. bow chicka bow wow.)

What do you call it when a guy gets killed in a rice field by a lawn gnome?
Nick Nack Paddy Whack.

Post # 15
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

OK I got one!! This was sent to me by my future aunt…
 

 An elephant asked a camel

"Why are your breasts on your back?"                    

"Well," says the camel, "I think that’s a strange question from somebody whose wiener is on his face.

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