(Closed) having a downer of a day. bleh.

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

23 is young and since his career is not sorted out, I know it’s hard, but it’s best to wait. 

A man needs to be established and have confidence in his position in life before he can go through with the commitment of marriage. Although it’s easy to say you’ll be fine with being the “bread winner”, it is harder in practice, and you guys should be equals and able to put in an amount that isn’t difficult for either one of you. If you do something like support a man with very little help from him, it will lead to lots and lots of resentment. 

My advice to you is to enjoy your relationship and the ease of it now. I know it’s difficult for you to wait, but you seem very confused and unsure. I would concentrate on the good aspects, take care of yourself and grow your own career as well as helping your man achieve his goals, whatever they may be. Be supportive of him but constructive. If you can do that, it’s a great sign.

Post # 4
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@LuckyJuls:  Welcome!

Its okay, we all go through crazy spells! Its kind of in our genetic makeup. 😉 

If I may ask, would you be okay if he bought you a ring worth 200 instead of 2,000? If you really want to get engaged let him know its acceptable and you can always upgrade later if you want. 

Best of luck, you’re in the right place! 

Post # 5
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I feel like I could have written this post at a different time, with slight changes in some details.  Super serious talk, but first wants to finish his degree. Seems to be working a lot of extra hours, but then huge car repair bill happened. Hang in there! You said you talked about setting a date with your SO – that’s great! Sounds like he is in it long-term.

My SO and I have been together for over 5 years and we have had “the talk” several times – for him, simply the emotional commitment to be with me long-term is the most important thing, engagement and wedding be damned (e.g., “I love you. I want to be with you for the rest of our lives, who cares if we get married?” “Why do people even have engagement rings?” etc.). Whereas I enjoy traditions a lot more, and participating in them is very important to me. This has been a source of strife for us on occasion. I think part of our issue is that SO and I are the same age, but I am 5 years into my career while he is about a year away from completing his undergrad degree and beginning a career. Sounds like this might be a little like you guys?

Our compromise is that yes we will participate in those traditions, but only when he is ready. This seems to be how things work best for us – like feeling comfortable saying “I love you” and moving in together – I was always ready first, and no amount of pushing or rational argument on my end (well not for saying “I love you”) would change his mind. Then, when he *was* ready, it was awesome. I have learned that for us, it doesn’t make sense to trade my timeline for his sense of comfort with the relationship. 

I guess you could say I’ve made peace with my waiting, and have shifted my focus to being more present in the moment for our relationship. Now when I have a tough waiting day I definitely acknowledge those feelings but try to remember that what I want right now and what is best for my relationship are not always the same, but that compromising and building a healthy relationship is also a really valuable thing. 

I don’t know if that helps at all but I wish you and your SO the best. Stay strong and although these things just seem to take time, I hope that time is not too long for you 🙂

Post # 6
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

“We are only 23 so we have that on our side… just hard to imagine another 2 years before marriage”

Why? Why do you expect the 2 years of waiting for marriage to be any different than the lifetime of marriage? How do you expect that marriage will change your relationship if things are so unstable before it?

It seems you are likely to get more accomplished in 2 years of working on your careers (why throw planning a wedding into the mix?)…really…marriage should not change your relationship and while it might be nice to dream of a big, beautiful wedding that is not the point of it all.

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