- 6 years ago
I haven’t written a post before, but I feel the need to today. Just need some uplifting. My bf and I have been dating for just over 2 and a half years and we have talked extensively about getting married for our entire relationship (already picked out a date to get married). There is a heavy emphasis on a proposal this summer but now I don’t think it is going to happen :/
Background: I’m an overanalytical crazy person and I tend to make issues out of nothing lol. I went through a period a few months ago where I was laying the pressure on to be engaged constantly and it was agony each day waiting. Then I went through a period of freaking out and cold feet about EVERYTHING. I created an argument almost every other day (extremely unusual for us). We spoke over dinner one night, calmed my concerns, cleared my head and everything has been back to normal until today. I was excited over the anticipation of a proposal, but also wasn’t letting it control every thought. Happy and content, it felt great to not have that pressure.
Then he called me today to say that he has accepted a job roofing with one of his family members and quitting his assistant manager position at the local pizza place because he will be getting paid more. I could go over the pros and cons to both, but that is beside the point (really, the assistant manager job is better and the roofing is unpredictable). The issue is that he keeps bouncing around from job to job and has next to nothing to put on a resume. This is the third job he has had since February. He didn’t go to college (he fully plans to once we are married/settled/I’m in my career) so his options are limited and all of the jobs aren’t going to be ideal; they’re gonna suck when he keeps applying for random jobs. My concern is the fact that he keeps quitting. I know he isn’t quitting to be lazy, but rather because he keeps thinking that the next job will offer something better. But at some point I feel like he needs to just suck it up and deal with it! To me, you need to work hard and grow with a company. He can’t have an empty resume.
So this has catapulted me back into crazy-land. He knew I would be mad and I respect him for calling and talking it over with me, but I’m still really upset and it’s all I can think about. We have always known that I will be the primary bread-winner which isn’t a problem for me. All I ask is that he has his own career so he is still the traditional male leader of the family. I don’t care whether he makes $2 or $200,000 as long as he is contributing. I’m not concerned about him working in general because I know he will, but sticking with one thing. I guess a lot of my reasoning is out of pride because it isn’t based on money so it really doesn’t matter. Idk, so confused. So that was all the crazy talking in the previous paragraph. Because, in fact, I know that this won’t last forever. He always follows through with his promises and he has promised that he will stick with one thing but for right now he is primarily concerned with making some money because he can barely pay his bills and isn’t saving anything. He said I will be excited when he can finally propose because he will be making more money. But then I said I wouldn’t be excited because I don’t want to be engaged to some one who keeps changing jobs and the current job he has is inconsistent. So even though I should finally be excited because he will be able to afford a ring soon, all I am is anxious and worried about it because I can’t focus on the promise he made and trust him but only on the negative side! UGH. I can’t relax.
On the good side, he has gotten pretty far in the hiring process at a local police department and it looks extremely promising that he will get that job. That job would be a God-send because it offers benefits, steady pay, is respectable, and a career he genuinly wants to do. It would make me happy and he would be able to afford a ring. I’m not letting myself get excited, though, because I don’t want my dreams to come crashing down if he doesn’t get it. So my brain is stuck on repeat on all the stuff I just wrote lol.
For a few hours after he called me, I tried to focus on the positives of the real possibility of a proposal, the promise he made me, trusting him, and not on the crazy side (although it is a legitimate concern, I just let it get out of control and block everything else out). Then he texted me saying he got his hospital bill in the mail and it is $2000. That is approximately the cost of my ring. Bye-bye proposal. I know that that probably doesn’t seem like a lot, but for him, it is. It will take him awhile to pay that off. Then he can finally save for a ring. I know he has said he has some saved for a ring, but I honestly think he only means like $200.
I just don’t feel like I have anything to look forward to. I’m a planner and hate not having an approximate time that a proposal could happen. I’m tired of never seeing him due to schedules now and the majority of our relationship being long distance. I’m tired of never having personal space just to be together and people always being around because we both live with our parents and aren’t planning on moving out till we are married for budget reasons. I just want to be together and I feel like everything in the world keeps stopping that from happening. We are only 23 so we have that on our side… just hard to imagine another 2 years before marriage.
Sorry, my emotions have gone through a whirlwind in this post as it has taken me well over an hour to write it. I’m sure it is extremely confusing haha It is just hard for me to sort out my feelings.
All I’m really looking for is some uplifting as another crazy waiting bee, but advice is alright too if you would like. Just please be kind 🙂