- 3 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
I love my husband and think he’s overall a great guy and great partner but I just need a place to vent and get some opinions on what I can do. Both my husband and I have anxiety and mild depression. We have also had lots of disappointments with our careers and have both coincidentally made several career changes and tried out several different things since graduating college more than 10 years ago (we’re in our mid-30’s). For the entire time we have been together (5 years total, 2 years married) he has not worked a regular job. He has always either worked part-time jobs, freelanced or was trying different things out. He has never asked me for money or expected me to support him financially. With the exception of one period of unemployment, I have always been the one in the relationship to work a full-time job. He has really tried and hustled to get a regular job, even doing internships at the age of 30. He has really put himself out there asking everyone he knows for job referrals and advice. For whatever reason, a reason that I honestly cannot even see, he has been unable to obtain a regular job. We have come to terms with this.
I have been at my current job for almost a year and while I don’t love it and there is not too much room for advancement, I like it (for a job) and I like getting out of the house. I hate my 1.5 hour commute each way though. My commute home especially causes me a lot of stress and anxiety (I can write a whole other thread about how much I hate my commute). Darling Husband is now pretty much a stay at home husband, which isn’t ideal as I don’t earn enough to justify that, but we make the best of it and are doing okay financially. He manages the household, including bills, laundry, home repairs, cleaning, etc. He has dinner prepared for me every night by the time I get home, makes and packs my lunch everyday, makes me coffee in the morning, takes care of our dogs during the day, etc. He has pretty much given up on trying to get a regular job at this point, as he wants to be a novelist and so part of the agreement of him staying home (besides managing the household) is to work on his writing (he has completed several manuscripts already) and try to get a literary agent and get published.
Some days I feel good about everything, but other days I just feel really bad about myself and how my life has turned out. I feel like I squandered a ton of opportunities when I was younger and failed at everything I did try. I feel like everyone I know has these great careers either by always knowing what they wanted to do and doing it, or by falling into something and succeeding at it. I feel like I have been extremely unlucky, and maybe also extremely stupid, with my choices.
What gets me is when I talk to Darling Husband about this, I don’t feel like he has a lot of empathy. Instead, he says things like, “well what do you want to do?” in a confrontational, impatient way. I would think he especially would be understanding of how i feel on my bad days. He is also rather impatient and sarcastic with me when he is having a bad day.
He has been been getting a lot of anxiety attacks lately, and he just overall seems sort of down. He claims his dream is to be a novelist and so I have a hard time empathizing with him when I work full-time so that he can stay home all day and “live his dream.” I know that’s not how anxiety works, and that i should be more understanding of him, but it’s just hard when I feel like he doesn’t seem to understand or have patience with my struggles, yet he gets to stay home and do what he claims he wants to be doing.
Just wanted to vent and see if anyone can see an angle to this that I am not seeing. Darling Husband has been in therapy for his anxiety (his idea) and it has been on my to do list to find my own therapist, but I’ve been so busy and overwhelmed lately. I just feel so alone and like such a failure. I think i’d feel better about my (lack of) a career situation if my husband didn’t also lack a career. Thanks for reading.