(Closed) Having a rough weekend

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

Have the two of you sat down and talked about your expectations or was this just your mental limit?  Men can’t read minds so he needs to hear from you that you really thought you guys would be engaged by a certain date and now that it has passed you are uncertain of his commitment. Also, to give an ultimatum such as a specific date to move in or your going to end it is something you need to  be prepared to back up. It sounds like he keeps making promises and doesn’t keep them. I think a really serious talk between the two of you about your expectations and where you want to eventually end up shouldbe your first step.

Post # 4
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee

It is hard to talk to a guy about an engagement and internal timeline (that all women have) without seeming like you are making an ultimatum.

The question is, are you? How important is it for you to be married and do you feel like you are sacrificing your happiness and your beliefs just to acomodate him? If the answer is yes I believe a talk is in order and if your ideals are not in line you might want to try a trial seperation..

It is up to you but it sounds like your feelings are not on the forefront of his concerns list and that is a problem. 3 years is a long time and you need to find out the truth about how he feels about your relationship and moving forward.

Best of luck… keep us updated. and as a final note I would have to ask does this guy make you happy still? Or are you just constantly waiting for a proposal and a ring? That is something to think about… You want to make sure he is the one who will always put you first!

Post # 5
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee

Oh girlie I wish I could relate..I was with my ex for four years.. we never really talked about engagement but I ended things and it was the best decision I ever made. I really think you should sit down with him and tell him what your concerns are. I had a convo with DBF andd I told him that although I realize we have financial issues since he is out of a job.. I dont want us to be one of those couples who wait 2-3 years down the road because finances arent perfect. He took very well to that and I didnt feel like I was giving him an ultimatum. That may be an idea for you too. I wish you nothing but luck and we are always here to listen!

Post # 6
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Whoa..my advice? Dont move in with him. He sounds like he has been stringing you along since September. Stand your ground!

Post # 7
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

I definately wouldn’t move in with him.  He told you before that he would propose and didn’t.  If you move in you will be in a worse situation.  If he wants to marry you he doesn’t need to live with you first.  I’d leave the relationship and he if comes around with a ring and date then I MIGHT reconsider. Good luck I know it’s hard to do. 

Post # 8
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree w/Miss SeptemberA in that you need to have “the talk” asap.

Fwiw, I wouldn’t move in with him before engagement at all.  Too much at risk.  Have you read Mr. Bee’s info about what to do when a guy is on a fence like this?

I would have the talk, and def tell him that you just cannot continue this way, that things have been great between you, but you feel this is not moving where you need the r to go, and that you don’t feel that your committment is strong enough, just living together after such a long relationship as bf and gf.  Tell him you’re not sure what you are going to do and leave it at that.  End convo asap after that.  Don’t get mad, angry, or anything.  Just talk to him gently.

Then don’t bring it up again and change your actions, habits, calling patterns, etc.  This way it is not an ultimatum, but he sees that he has to become a man with a plan (heckuva great proposal and lovely ring) or a man who is going to be living the bachelor life and regretting his choice to not act when he had the chance to marry the woman of his dreams.

Just do alot of stuff w/girlfriends, make yourself scarce for a while, and be busy busy busy.  Get a makeover, change hair or get some new clothes.  Imho that would totally freak my guy out if I did that I can say!  Do this for about a month and see what happens.  If he does not act after the talk and after seeing you back off, you may have an answer.  Hugs to you either way. 

Post # 9
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with pps about not moving in and Mr. Bee’s plan (and what Belle said).  I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  I would not be able to trust when he says he could see being engaged within a few months of moving in together.  He already lied abou getting engaged before.  And it sounds like you also have to consider your daughter into the mix.  I think it would be wise to not change her world unless you knew this was certain.  I would hate for you to move her into a house with him, and have a rocky relationship, or potentially break up and have to move again.  (Especially since you’d be moving into his place.)

Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Making sure you know what his intent is 100 percent is also very very important too b/c you’re a mom.  I know, somewhat of a double standard, but we have a second (or even more) sets of cute little eyes looking up at us each day watching the decisions and choices we make you know?

I scrutinized everything down to microscopic level with T in regards to my son.  I have to protect my son’s heart, as he went thru alot with his dad (dad’s remarriage and now dad and stepmom breaking up as his dad cheated yet again).  It was for me, very very important my child see my home as peaceful and stable in as many ways possible.  Moving in without knowing his intent 100 percent or having him “let’s see what happens and we might get engaged” type of approach to living together isn’t imho the perfect scenario.  Think stability and peace.

That’s why I made it darn well clear to my FI that we weren’t moving in until 1)engaged and 2)right before the wedding because it was important to make sure my son felt the love and stability and that our relationship was ready to make that step (for T also to be able to show me me, he was ready to be a stepdad and a darn good one!)forward.   

The ball is in your court 100 percent and that’s good!  Not only does he have to show you his committment and prove it, but he has to convince you he’s all that and 10,000 bags of chips too!  Plus has to be the greatest stepdad material in the world!  maybe he’s up to the challenge.  maybe not.  But YOU are the woman who will decide, not this guy!

That should be your attitude!  Now he has to either show you what he’s made of or you might show him the door.

Post # 12
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee

I completely agree with Bellenga…

Imagine your child having to put up with his behavior… never showing up to events that he says he will and such. Idk… doesn’t sound like father of the year material.

Really sounds like a classic commitment-a-phob to me. Tricky tricky situation.

Post # 13
Member
1339 posts
Bumble bee

Oh hon this is a difficult time so sorry!  I’m not moving in with my Boyfriend or Best Friend until we are engaged and he knows this even though he asked me yet again if I would move in with him grrrrr.  But he has made it very clear that I am the one and it is only a matter of time.  We have been dating 14 months though.  3 years is plenty of time, what is he stalling for?

While I cannot tell you what to do I can say if I were in this situation I would just cut off all contact.  He will know why.  If you’ve already talked to him, taken him back etc and he is still full of empty promises he doesn’t deserve you.  It does suck to break it off but at least you won’t waste anymore time so you lose nothing!

Keep us posted and good luck!

Post # 15
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

Cute buzzing bee, sorry to hear you’re having a rough time.  I definitely don’t think you were ‘stupid’ to believe him when he said you’d be engaged if you got back together with him!  You sound like a wonderful person and have no reason to put yourself down!

I think you should listen to your heart.  If you love him and want to be with him, don’t end the relationship because he hasn’t committed to the engagement timeline.  If he says he doesn’t want to get engaged before living together for a while first, I think that’s a valid reason as many people feel this way.  How do you feel about it? If you agree that living together first is a good idea as a kind of ‘trial marriage,’ I say go for it.  BUT tell him that the security of an engagement is very important to you, and you will only move in and live together if after (3 months? 6 months?) when living together has gone well and you both feel comfortable taking the next step, then you will get engaged.  Ask him how he feels about that.  If he doesn’t think he will want to get engaged EVEN after 6 months of living together and the relationship going well, why not?  That would be the stage when you need to evaluate whether to stay in the relationship, because it would indicate a reluctance to get married at all.  

Good luck!  Don’t feel down, use this time to reflect on what you want, talk to him about it, then make your decision.  I hope it all works out for you!

 

 

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