Having a Wedding but not getting legally married?

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
6847 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

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Daisy_Mae :  “Also, stop pretending you’d be perpetrating this fraud to save your families from disappointment.”

Amen. You would be doing this TO them to save YOURSELF from having to pay them back. That’s so much worse than trying to protect them from disappointment; it is entirely selfish and fraudulent and self-serving. Don’t pretend this would be a good thing for anyone – including yourself.

Post # 32
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee

how old are you?

Post # 33
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

It sounds like there is a good deal of fear of failure, losing face, and losing control of the outcome of this situation. I remember a few times as a kid when I did something wrong that wasn’t a huge deal but would probably get me into some trouble. I  tried to cover the first mistake up with lies and ended up getting into way more shit after than if I had just owned up to the truth in the first place. You know what helped to stop this cycle? Learning how to suck up my fear of failure, owning up to mistakes made and asking for help. 

You didn’t keep track of gifts and don’t remember who gave them? Come clean about it and ask for help from friends and family who may be able to make a list with you of everyone you can account for and reach out to those you can’t place. If they are your friends and family they will understand. A lot better than finding out after that you lied to them and divvied up the gifts in a way that seems disingenuous and greedy. 

You don’t know what to do about the financial help from your parents? Discuss ways to work on paying them back over time if they ask for it back. Have honest adult conversations and remain calm.

Take responsibility for what has changed and for what you need in a relationship. Being honest might be scary, but it will keep you from digging yourself into a deeper hole. 

Post # 34
Member
1155 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

“I’m not sure what we would tell people if it didn’t work out…that’s about the only thing I haven’t thought of. I figure we would just say we got a divorce…If we call off the wedding at this point, we’d be disappointing both families.”

Sorry, can you explain to me how calling off the wedding would be more disappointing to both families instead of getting a divorce? I can’t imagine how that conversation would go…

“Hi families, I know we’ve only been married for a few weeks but we are getting a divorce already.”

Personally, I would rather say, “Families, we are no longer getting married. It doesn’t make sense to have you travel, take time off work, buy gifts, and pay for a wedding when we no longer want a marriage. I wanted to inform you before you sacrifice your time and expenses when we don’t want this anymore.”

Also, to have a “wedding” but not actually legally be married and then keep the gifts after sounds incredibly shady and rude to me. Sorry. 

Post # 35
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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anon159753 :  If you really must do the ceremony, you really must actually get married.  Unless you tell everyone in attendence that you are just getting ‘spiritually’ married those people are going to end up feeling misled if the truth comes out.  I think there are a number of things in your post that would cause me to at least postpone the wedding, there are issues that need to be addressed.

If you absolutely won’t postpone the wedding then get married but also get an iron clad prenup.  There is certainly no law that says just because you are married you have to combine finances, I know people who after 30 years together never do.   Just get a prenup and keep your finances seperate if you must.

Post # 36
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014

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curiouscat2017 :  I to thought it would be about taxes (maybe because I just thought about how much being married is costing me in taxes). 

Post # 37
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

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anon159753 :  “I figure we would just say we got a divorce and split the wedding gifts. I don’t think he would want any gifts, just the money.”

The most selfish two sentences I’ve ever read on the Bee…

Post # 38
Member
11349 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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anon159753 :  

People call weddings off all the time and live to tell about it.  You’re hardly the first.  Yes, it’s uncomfortable and will cause a bit of a flap for awhile.  But, no one will die.  I think your parents would be far more upset if they knew how he talks to you.  The whole issue may be moot anyway.  I would not trust this guy to show up at the altar.

Honey, you’re having a relationship, your Fi is not.  Other than your utility as a sex partner and Sugar Mama, you don’t exist for him.  He absolutely does not want to marry you.  He couldn’t be making it more clear if he hired a whole team of sky writers.  

He sounds like a jerk.  Nothing in any of your posts even hints at a good reason to marry this guy.

As for the screwy idea about a make believe wedding–this is how your mind starts to work when you’ve been with a crappy guy for too long.  

 

 

Post # 39
Member
3837 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I think people are being far too harsh. I can’t even imagine the difficulty of calling off a wedding one month before. I can absolutely see how going ahead with it and just not making it legal would be an appealing alternative. OP isn’t being childish, she is in a horrible situation under a big time crunch and immense stress. 

OP, you would not be the first to call off a wedding. I think people would understand, if I was invited to a wedding and it was called off I would think, well, it’s better they figured this out now and not the day after signing the papers, you know? It’s their life, not mine. I would honestly be more upset if I found out I had attended and celebrated a wedding where the bride was literally planning their separation as she walked down the aisle. So I repeat, people will understand and they will eventually get over it. 

Some things in your post were quite concerning. Particularly that he got angry and accused you of cheating because he didn’t get sex for a single week and that he gets aggravated when you try to discuss children. You two are supposed to be getting married, you should be well past the broaching-the-subject-of-babies phase!

So calling off the wedding is the best option. I will say though (and possibly get flamed for this) that if you insist on going through with the wedding, I actually think not signing the legal papers is kind of better than signing them. Yes, it’s deceptive to your guests, but at this point it’s going to be deceptive to your guests whether you sign or not. Signing something still won’t make you mean your vows. I think if I was a guest I’d rather unknowingly celebrate a sham wedding than celebrate two people miserably and unhappily entering into a legal commitment and feeling sick about it. 

But yeah, call off the wedding. 

Post # 40
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I cannot brain this! yell

Post # 41
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee

You have received a Karmic warning. Pay attention to it, and act on it.

Don’t have a wedding, and don’t marry this person.

Post # 42
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

WTF, why even pretend marry someone who accuses you of sleeping around cause he hasn’t gotten his jollies off in a week? Hell no!

Dump this loser.

Post # 43
Member
1836 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

 

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anon159753 :  

Jesus you both sound immature!

Clearly your “FI” doesn’t want to get married but can’t be man enough to just break things off.  He’s leaving that to you tho.  Just a side thought, what makes you think you can just walk away from this train wreck free and clear?  If you’re basically supporting him, what makes you think he’ll just walk away from that with no fight?  On a different track, what makes you think he’ll actually go thru with the wedding?  Basically, the ball’s in your court but you think if you put your head in the sand long enough all the problems will just go away.  Sorry lil’ bee life ain’t like that and you should know better.   Stop, be a mature adult and do what you already KNOW you need to do.

I don’t know why but it irks me to no end when posters like you knowingly go thru with a bad decision simply because you think it’ll make things easier when the reality is it will have consequences you haven’t even thought of and will make your life way more complicated.  Plus you will come out of this looking way worse than you imagined.

Post # 44
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - historical mansion

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anon159753 :  I think your parents would be more annoyed to know that they were part of this fraudulent wedding. Do not marry your fiance (real or fake wedding) just to make others happy. My ex-BF’s brother was in a situation like yours. I knew on his wedding day that he didn’t want to marry his now-ex wife. He looked miserable, and they ended up in marriage counseling a couple of months later and divorced less than a year after that. If you know in your heart that it’s wrong, call it off. I know it seems hard now, but you do have a choice, and your parents will understand. They probably don’t like this guy either!

Post # 45
Member
1651 posts
Bumble bee

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sweetiebeeblessed :  if it wasn’t inconvenient for guests I’d get married on Jaunary 1 to milk what I get out of the penalty tax

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