(Closed) Having a wedding I never wanted, feel like im going to be the grumpiest bride…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9642 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I feel along the lines you do, I want a small and intimate ceremony, not in a church but outdoors, and that is what I’m having.  But we compromised, because Fiance wants more family to attend than I do.  He is more sociable, lol.  But in your case it sounds as though your wishes are not being honored, and you are the Bride!  Have you talked in depth about your feelings about this with your FI?  It’s a very important thing, nobody should have to feel unhappy regarding their own wedding day.  Ask him to put himself in your place and how would he feel if you entirely disregarded his wishes? I hope you can talk to him.  You deserve a wedding that will make you happy.

Post # 4
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I wanted a small wedding too, but hey, Fiance has 20 aunts and uncles, all with cousins and in-laws etc etc, and so our list is now at 450. Yes, 450!  He wanted a small wedding too but with a family that close-knit it is impossible.  Plus our church is like our family so that added to the count too.  At the end of the day what truly matters is that he and I will become one and vow to love each other unconditionally.  A wedding signifies marriage which is sacrificial love at its best! If you aren’t willing to sacrifice on something so material and short-lived as a wedding day, how will you survive an entire marriage?  The sacrifice has only just begun hunny.

Post # 5
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

No, I can’t say I understand how you feel and the language you used really sounds like a lot of red flags for me. It’s one thing to be uncomfortable, but to plan on being so pissed you won’t talk to your husband and will openly tell people it’s an unhappy day for you? That just seems really, really off for me and is NOT the way you should begin a lifetime of marriage.

If you absolutely CANNOT do a wedding ceremony, talk to him and tell him so. It’s his wedding day, too, and it isn’t fair for him and all your family/friends to deal with someone raging throughout the day. It seems like 50 people really isn’t big in comparison with most wedding guest lists I see – that’s already pretty small and is likely just family and very close friends.

Would it be better to limit the guest list even more? Perhaps you can find a compromise that will work for you both.

Post # 6
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I totally hear you because I’m going through much the same thing with having a big wedding I never wanted.

There has to be something about the day you’re looking forward to- your dress, your shoes, the cake, hell, even the open bar. You need to focus on that.

Have you ever really talked to him about how much you don’t want this?  I mean, really made him hear it? The first couple times I told Fiance I didn’t want a traditional wedding, he thought I was joking or that I’d just warm up to the idea later, because gah, every girl wants a wedding!  It took me having a meltdown after arguing with my mother about who would walk me down the aisle (dad or stepdad) for him to finally realize that I was doing all of it for him.  And once he realized it, he started taking stuff off my plate and compromising a lot more.

That said, you’ve ostensibly agreed to this for months now. If you haven’t had a serious talk with him about this, it’s cruel of you to turn around that day and ruin his wedding day, in front of all his friends and family, because you can’t suck it up and get over it.  No one, I would assume, held a gun to your head to get married this way, and I can’t imagine he wouldn’t have compromised to some extent if you really had made yourself heard, because if someone came to me and said “if you force me to do this I will be a whiny pain in the butt all day and tell everyone how much I don’t want to be there,” I’d have second thoughts about forcing my vision down their throat.  And if he did basically say “I don’t care, this is what we’re doing,” then why the heck are you marrying this guy? 

You will humiliate him (and yourself, cause you’ll look pretty obnoxious) if you walk around saying this is an unhappy day and that your vows mean nothing to you.  It’s cruel and immature to do that. So you either sit down with him now and hash out what you’re doing (and get right with it in your own head), or you suck it up, put on a happy face, steer clear of the booze, and fake it til you make it.  Seems to me those are your only options.

Post # 7
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I kind of understand how you feel.  I was getting raging panic attacks just thinking about saying vows in public or even celebrating with people, because I’m extremely emotionally private and suffer from anxiety, that I put my foot down.  We decided we to elope and I explained that, because I knew that I would behave that way, I didn’t want any party after.  He thought it was just me being selfish and hostile towards his family and didn’t understand that I was so adamate about it because of how miserable I not only already was, but how miserable I would be.  His mom disregarded my feelings, even after I repeated why I didn’t want any of this, and went and planned everything behind my back with my FI’s knowledge.  I wasn’t trying to be a baby about it.  I seriously had intense issues with having all these things that made me uncomfortable and didn’t want and I kept visualizing this pictures of me frowning and then ending the night as the raging, angry drunk just to get through it which would benefit no one.  I didn’t get the support I wanted and ended up giving the ring back I was so upset over it.  Most people would think that’s an overreaction, but I was already at such a miserable point, I thought I was going insane.  Please don’t end up in the place I did.

Post # 8
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

What about a compromise? He can’t imagine not doing it in a church and without his parents – so how about a church wedding with just parents, or just immediate family?

Post # 9
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

A big part of wedding planning is compromise. Maybe he’s be willing to have a smaller, more intimate cremony for you and you could agree to a larger reception for him. The wedding is supposed to be about the two of you. 

I worked out a little scale of importance for my SO and I. I used a scale of 1 – 10. I would just say to him using our scale how important is “This” particular portion of the wedding planning to you and I would do the same. It helped us express our feelings and decide how important certin aspects were/are. Who ever felt more strongly about certin things, the other would respectively help make it happen.

Hope this helps 🙂

 

Post # 10
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Ouch, this sounds really horrible!

I know that there are a lot of parts of the traditional wedding that I’m really uncomfortable with – I was pretty set against ever getting married until my mid 20s or so. (I didn’t feel that I needed the government or other people involved in my romatic relationship. I still don’t.)

I did some serious thinking on why having publicly registered relationships would be a social or civil good – there has to be some value for societies all over the world to each have developed a tradition of marriage – and came up with a few reasons that I could accept and value that made me willing to get married. 

But I’m not one for following tradition blindly and I can’t imagine not taking vows seriously. Fiance and I started pretty much from scratch, he’s very shy and I’m… philosophically stubborn. 

You should seriously consider what you need out of your wedding and see if both you and Fiance can have a wedding together. If the aisle and the dress are bothering you, can you ditch them? (I’m wearing a floor length formal gown in gray or purple. We’re greeting our guests as a couple before the ceremony and skipping the aisle and processional.)  Can you and Fiance elope or have a private church ceremony and then a bigger recepetion? (If he just needs a church and his parents, why is everyone else there? Can they just come for the party?)

Post # 11
Member
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I had to reply to this, mainly because I was very dissapointed in how my wedding turned out. If you’re having doubts about it being what you want… my advice is to run…. literally. What’s wrong with eloping or having that private ceremony you mentioned? 

this coming from a bride who was unhappy, overlooked and made to feel like crap on her wedding day… a day I am trying to forget :/ 

I love my husband like crazy but if I had to do it again I would have listened to those feelings and eloped. Save the money if you can’t have the wedding you want and plan a honeymoon of your dreams! In hindsight it totally would have been worth it… and also given me more of an excuse to plan a vow renewal in years to come. 

Post # 12
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

really feel for you,

its both of your days, and should be something that you are both happy with and will remember to be one of the happiest days of your life.

so ill echo some of the other posts, try to talk to him, tell him how you fel and try to come up with something together thast you will both be happy with.

fingers crossed for you and hope you can both come to something which you will both be happy with.

Post # 13
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I know this post is a few days old, but I have a suggestion.

perhaps you could comprimise on his parents being their, but beyond them and the witnesses, have a closed ceremony? And then invite everyone else to the dinner reception? I’ve been to weddings like that before and I dont see anything wrong with doing it that way. If it’s important to him to have his parents their when he gets married, then it’s probably something you should consider.

Hope you can work something out thats good for the both of you!

Post # 14
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with capergrrl about doing the ceremony privately. I don’t want anyone watching us give out vows either. I think it’s something personal that should be between just the couple, and maybe immediate family.

Post # 15
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I feel for you. I actually just started a thread a couple days ago about the same thing. My SO and I are not engaged yet, should be happening very soon though. We are very open about discussing what we want for our wedding, and we are nowhere near the same level. Our fights lately are about the future wedding. I want to elope, and he wants the medium size wedding with the cake, dj and everything. I get depressed just thinking about it. I know we have time to work out the details, but even our compromises are not enough for the other. He said we can scale back on the guests, but even a few guests is one too many for me. I want to marry him, I just don’t want everything that comes with it like the church, dancing, cake etc. I don’t want to have a wedding I don’t love, and I know he shouldn’t miss out on an opportunity he is looking forward to. I’m trying to find a happy medium, but having no luck yet.

I wish all the best to you, and I hope you can find happiness on your wedding day. I think the previous ideas about a private ceremony are brilliant, and may even help us for a good compromise. 

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