Post # 1
There’s way too much drama surrounding my wedding and I don’t even want anything to do with it anymore. I feel like I’m going to lose my mind.
First of all, I’m engaged to another female, and I feel like people react differently when they find out you’re a same sex couple. Like they don’t take you seriously. That’s just been my observation so sometimes I don’t even feel like a regular bride, if that makes any sense. And my fiance’s mother pretends to be ok with it, but from what we hear she says behind our backs, she’s not, and there’s been a lot of drama coming from that side. My parents are footing the bill 100%, and of course that stirs up tension.
Since they are paying for the wedding, we have limited say in things like catering and the date of the wedding. My Maid/Matron of Honor is a teacher, and the wedding is the weekend before school starts, even though I told my parents it would be an issue. They didn’t care, it was between that date and an even suckier one so I went with the less sucky date. My Maid/Matron of Honor was really the only person who was excited and involved and she made me feel like a legit bride, but then she freaked out that she wouldn’t be able to make it and quit. She would have to travel and it would be a lot of money for her to spend for a weekend and she can’t afford it. I offered to pay for her flight and hotel because it meant so much to have her there but she feels bad about that. I’m still trying to convince her.
Ever since she quit, wedding planning has been stressful and felt like a chore. I get horrible tension headaches every day just thinking about it. I just moved out of state and have no friends near me. I feel so horribly guilty because my parents are paying for this incredibly beautiful wedding and I’m just so miserable about it because nothing seems to be going the way I had expected. My parents make my fiance feel bad about her parents not contributing, so she’s afraid to even give any input, so she’s at the point where she’s just gonna show up, she doesn’t want to be involved in the planning anymore.
I don’t even want my “dream wedding” anymore. I want to cancel it so badly but my parents would lose thousands of dollars and I can’t do that to them. Besides the fact that I’d regret it forever. I just want my Maid/Matron of Honor back. I want my fiance’s family to at least give a shit that their only daughter is getting married. I want to feel like a bride and not feel like I have to pretend I’m getting married to a man for people take me seriously. I have been pretending to be happy and excited and I’m not, I’m miserable. I am convinced that everything is going to go horribly wrong, and so far it feels like it is. I don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
Gosh I would just elope. Save the dream wedding for a vow renewal down the line on your own dime, and hopefully your FIs family will come around by then. I know that might not be the most helpful advice but man! It just sounds unbearable and I feel like that’s only going to build. You have my sympathy! Good luck.
Post # 4
@carriebee: This sounds like a difficult time. I am sorry. Maybe taking a break from the planning for the week would help? Maybe you need to talk this out with your MOH? Good luck.
Post # 5
@carriebee: Planning a wedding can be an emotional roller coaster for anyone between your family, your soon to be in-laws, and your friends. And for you, you have the added disapproval of strangers who don’t know you because the person you love happens to be a girl. I wish I had amazing advice for you, but I wanted to say that I can relate to some of what you are going through and I know it’s rough and I’m sorry you are having a hard time.
I just moved out of state for a great job, which is awesome. Except that I have no family/friends/community out here and I’m planning a wedding completely by myself from 1000 miles away- so I spend a lot of time on the bee now, lol. I think when you are in a new place without your support system, every problem seems magnified. And weddings are complex animals with a life of their own and don’t go the way you expected. I feel you on that. I feel like nothing has gone the way I planned and there is SO much pressure that everything be “perfect.”
As for your Maid/Matron of Honor, I would reach out and be honest with how you are struggling about the wedding and how much it would mean for her to be there. I would offer to help with the costs again, and if she really doesn’t want you to pay for it, offer to let her pay you back if she is more comfortable with that.
As for your parents, let them know how much you appreciate everythng they are doing for you, and kindly ask them not to guilt your FI- explain to them privately that it is hurtful. Talk to your parents and see if there is something your Fiance be in charge of for planning. For my Fiance, he is in charge of food, cake, and music. If she is artistic, maybe she can deisgn programs or menus. If your Fiance is planning too, then you may not feel so overwhelmed.
As for your future in-laws, that may be something you have to just let go of for the moment and kill them with kindness. Some people would consider it a blessing for her parents to be at the wedding.
As for you, I would take a little break from wedding planning and relax a bit. I bought a book called A Practical Wedding- and I read it when I need to remember what is really important about the wedding- love! This is a very special time in your life- surround your self with positive people who love you and cherish it.
Post # 6
I am very sorry that you do not feel like a “regular” bride. I hope that on this website you can find solace from anyone who makes you feel that you have to be anything other than yourself. You ARE a regular bride. You are marrying the love of your life and the person you want to grow old with! This is the exciting part. I know it’s difficult not to get caught up in the details. I don’t presume to know how much more difficult it is for your and your fiance as a same sex couple. If you can, try to step back from the details and remember that what matters, above all, is that you have found the person you want to be with. Try to take some time out with your fiance to do something you both love — Get away from the world and the drama for a day or two!
I honestly hope things begin to look up for you. If you’re feeling down, rest assured that you and your fiance have support on here! If your parents are paying, they have a bit of a say. Can you fund a wedding yourselves so that you can set your own terms? You both might be more happy that way!
Post # 7
I’ve seriously thought about eloping, but I’ve been imagining what my wedding would be since I was a little kid, and it’s everything I wanted it to be, except with all the drama surrounding it. That’s what makes it so hard, I should be so happy but I’m not. I’m so fortunate that my parents are willing to do all of this for me and I feel terrible for being so miserable, which makes me feel even worse.
I just graduated nursing school, and my fiance is still in school, so paying for our own wedding really isn’t an option. We used all of our savings for our move from Georgia to New York, so have to start from scratch. I’ve thought about trying to pay for our own wedding many times, but it’s really not possible for us, and even now if I figured out a way, my parents would lose thousands of dollars in deposits.
I’ve been trying to talk things out with my Maid/Matron of Honor but it seems to be going in circles. My fiance is really mad at her for backing out and wants nothing to do with her, and we’ve had the same conversations over and over again about how important she is to us and how we understand her situation and are willing to help her, but it’s gone nowhere.
My mom is pressing me to do wedding stuff every day and I’ve been lying to her and telling her I’m working on it. I hadn’t really looked at anything the entire month of January, and now it’s starting to bite me in the butt. The longer I put it off, the more overwhelming it is, but I can’t find the motivation to do any of it. It just feels so matter-of-fact and mundane rather than this exciting adventure I was hoping for.
Post # 8
And thanks everyone for the support. I really do appreciate it.
Post # 9
@carriebee: I’m really sorry you’re down in the dumps. Here’s my thinking about your situation:
- Communication is essential. Like another bee mentioned, talk to your Maid/Matron of Honor about everything – not through text though. Give her a call if she lives too far away to see her. If you find she just isn’t coming around, let it go. Accept that, for whatever reason, she isn’t meant to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. I’m a teacher and I know travelling the weekend before school starts would be really tough for me. Who else can you ask?
- Communicate with your parents. They will be the last people on earth who want you to be miserable as you plan your wedding! Knowing that they are contributing to your stress will hopefully cause them to reflect on the decisions they’re making and start taking your requests/ideas into account more. Just because they are paying doesn’t mean that they should have control over every detail. You and your fiancee should have the lion’s share of input – it’s YOUR day!
- It’s no one else’s job to make you feel like a bride. Same-sex marriages are not so uncommon anymore. Some people will always choose to judge you for that decision – those people don’t matter. The only person who can make you feel like a bride is you – don’t rely on other people to make you feel a certain way. Expect to be disappointed if you do.
- It’s a mother’s perogative to want to do lots/talk lots about planning her daughter’s wedding! Mine drove me insane for the first few months after I got engaged. She asked a lot of questions that I wasn’t ready to answer yet, and I felt like I was hyper-ventilating whenever I got off the phone with her. I had to have a firm but kind conversation with her – that I was in control of things and that I welcomed her ideas but just needed her to read my mood and timing a little better. I don’t need to know what I’m wearing for the rehearsal lunch yet! Sheesh, Mom.
- I have found parts of wedding planning to be pretty mundane. Lots of research, lots of money talks. Blah. Try creating a page on pinterest of things you would really like to include on your day, and see if that drums up some excitement. It’s ok if you don’t get excited about planning though, especially while your wedding day is still far enough off to feel a little surreal. The exceitement will come.
- Do something nice for yourself and your fiancee – get your mind off the wedding and remind yourself of the true purpose behind all yor stress 🙂