- 8 years ago
- Wedding: June 2011
I apologize that this will be long, but I feel that the information about my marriage is necessary to truly understand the situation. Please be gentle in your responses, as I am well aware that what I have done is horrible and unforgiveable and am disgusted with myself. I truly need support and advice about this situation and would be incredibly greatful to anyone who could offer some insight.
I have been married to my husband for almost two years and we have been together for almost 5. Our relationship used to be a very happy one, but we have been struggling almost ever since we were married and we have hit our lowest point lately.
We have been struggling with issues relating to mental health problems that he’s been having. Sometimes things are good, but lately they have been very hard for us to handle. We have been in counselling together and he has been doing individual therapy for at least 4 years of our relationship. I know marriage is supposed to be for better or worse, sickness and health, but after 4 years of trying to be supportive, I’m just feeling worn out. He is on constant medication to control his mental health, but he has relapsed (not substance abuse related at all) and is at a very low point for the past year. We were recently told that this is something he will most likely be dealing with for the rest of his life and he will continue to go through extreme lows and average levels of happiness. This has now affected his career and he is unable to do the two career paths he had planned for himself, and is being released from one of his current jobs due to these mental health issues. He has no idea what to do going forward, and I am very worried about how we can build a life together, have children, buy a house, if he doesn’t have any career goals left.
He’s a great person, and my best friend, and I do love him very much, however I am unsure if I am still in love with him and I feel horrible admitting that.
In January, we sat down and had a long talk about how things had been and how I had been feeling. He has completely taken me for granted and it had been months without any intimacy, no kissing, no kind gestures, not even telling me I looked nice when I made a huge effort to look nice for him. I have been working on making myself happy and going to the gym and was thrilled to drop 20 lbs but he never once said anything supportive. I told him I needed time to think about what I needed to do, so we spent a week apart when I went to visit friends in another city. I returned home and told him that I felt we should try a separation.
He lost it. I felt horrible for causing him pain like that, and was terrified when he began to say things like he couldn’t live without me and his life was meaningless without me. He made an emergency call to his therapist and scheduled more counselling sessions and therapy to deal with the feelings of self harm that he was having. I felt horrible for causing him to get to that point so I agreed to keep trying. I went to counselling with him and read all the information the therapist gave me and agreed to try everything she suggested. I truly wanted to be there for him.
Things got better for a week or two, but eventually went back to him not doing anything to make me feel valued. I kept trying and offering new suggestions of things we could try, but he refused. So I eventually kind of gave up. I feel trapped. I am not happy and have not been happy for almost two years. I want to be there for him and support him, and would be there for him in a friendship if possible , but I don’t feel that it’s fair to me to keep working on a marriage that is completely one sided. I do not want to be married any longer, however due to the intense reaction he had when I requested a separation, I feel that I will drive him to hurt himself if I leave and I couldn’t live with the guilt of knowing I was the one responsible for doing that.
Which leads me into my current problem. I knew all along that I was playing with fire, but about a month ago I became closer with a man I work with. He is 10 years older than me but we get along so well, and began to talk constantly. I made the mistake of confiding in him about my marriage problems and felt relieved to have someone to talk to. Then I agreed to hang out with him. The first time we hung out, we simply sat on different couches and watched tv and talked. Nothing more. Then we continued to talk, and lines were definitely crossed during our communication. We hung out again and ended up sleeping together. I felt sick after. Cried my eyes out for days and felt disgusted with myself that I had become that person. I have never cheated on anyone in my life, and am always that good girl that does the right thing and is known for having strong values and morals. And somehow I just let that person slip away and became this person I don’t even recognize.
We have continued to talk and have spent the night together twice more. Our “relationship” has become strained as he has felt horrible about being with a married woman this entire time and he is upset with himself for putting both of us in this situation, although he never pressured me and I was a willing partner. But there is something real there, and after spending weeks thinking about things, I know that it isn’t just me attaching feelings to him because I am feeling unloved by my husband. This man and I have very similar goals and values and is someone that I would have been thrilled to be with before I met my husband. I have contemplated leaving my husband, not to go straight for this other man, but to be alone and after time maybe pursue a relationship after I have dealt with my own issues.
I know that there is always the debate about whether or not to tell my husband about my infidelity. I was always on the side that the right thing to do would to be honest. However, I feel like that would make things worse in this situation as all 3 of us work for the same company in the same building. If I were to admit what I had done, and he would want to know with who, all 3 of us would probably lose our jobs (my husband’s reaction) and that isn’t fair to my husband. I would also worry about his mental health getting worse, if he reacted the way he did to my suggestion of a seperation.
So what do I do? I feel so lost and confused and scared and trapped. I want to leave my husband and I have hope for a life where I will be happy in a relationship. However, I feel that if I were to admit the affair or my wanting to truly leave to my husband that he would harm himself and I can’t allow that to happen.
I know what I have done is terrible and wrong. I cant believe I have done this to my husband. As hard as things are for us, I know he has never done anythign to deserve me cheating on him. I am left wondering where to go from here and would greatly appreciate any feedback, advice or support to help me get out of this situation. Thank you for listening.