(Closed) Having an affair. Should I leave my marriage?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1342 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@unfaithfulandconfused:  In these circumstances, I probably would not tell your husband about your affair.  Maybe you can talk to a therapist to see if they have advice on how to proceed.  You might even want to talk to his therapist to let them know you want to leave so they are ready?

Post # 4
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Counseling to a) fix the marriage, and/or b) make it safe to leave the marriage.

Post # 5
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Ok breathe, yes it is a terrible thing, but I do understand where you are coming from and why. I am assuming your husband has severe depression, and darling, there isnt a single thing you can do about it. He cant make himself happy and he cant make you happy. I would say leave, dont say anything about the affair but stop the affair immediatly. Before talking to your husband talk to his therapist about how to manage the situation. He might make you feel bad or try to guilt you into staying in the marriage (which in my opinion is unprofesional but it happens), however it is obvious that this is not an option, make it clear to him that this is what you are doing and as your husbands therapist it is imperative for him to deal with the situation to avoid your husband hurting himself. There is ni way your husband will take this calmly or willingly but it sounds like he has dependance issues. You deserve someone whi loves you for you, not loves you for being in their life.

They might intern him for a while in a psych ward if they deem him dangerous to himself or others and that will be hard but it is for the best. I hope this doesnt happen though. 

Hugs love, sorry this is going on.

Post # 6
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think you answered your own question, you no longer love your husband.

It seems like your relationship has fallen apart, and it wont get better until his life is better. It seems like he’s making little progress. He can’t love you, if he doesn’t love himself.

Probably be best for him and you to separate. His irrational claims about not being able to live without you is a major sign of his mental state. 

This is hard, and I will take slack for it (for the better of worse part), but honestly I would leave. I couldn’t hang up my own life and be depressed because my partner is sick and is not seeking the proper help to get better. Seems like the affair bent you out of shape as well and you realize life is f’d up and not how you want it to be.

You need to make the life you desire.

Post # 8
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Right now, I don’t have any other feedback than to say

STOP Sleeping with this other man right now.

You cannot sort stuff out while you are being torn in two directions emotionally

You aren’t able to be true to yourself, your feelings, and what is RIGHT or WRONG FOR YOU while you continue to cheat on your Hubby

Actually you are also cheating on yourself… because you aren’t fully engaged in the process of sorting this all out

And as for this guy… I hate to say it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he is “playing you”.  When I was Seperated / First Divorced from my Hubby, I discovered that the world was filled with OPPORTUNISTS looking to take advantage of a woman conflicted by her emotions.

I even heard a guy once say… that these women are “easy” marks.  And in the end you can just walk away… by telling them it is all their fault (like we don’t have enough guilt about the breakdown or our marriages) … or that they are “too fucked up for words”…

And of course, there is always that age old element… even if you end up with this guy for the long term…

That a man who cheats with you… and has no respect for the institution of marriage… will no doubt cheat on you as well

The issues with your Hubby may be emotionally taxing (and I get that)… but you owe it to your marriage / and the history you have together / and your integrity… to figure it out rather than to keep up the fraud you are currently committing

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 9
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Wow. You are in a terrible position and I have a lot of sympathy. It is so, so hard to be a partner to someone with serious mental illness like your husband, and it sounds like you have done a lot to try to be there for him and help him. Sadly, you can’t *fix* him, and I for one don’t believe that it is your responsibility to stay with him forever when you are so unhappy and unloved.

I think you should back off from the thing with this other guy for a time. Can you speak with your husband’s therapist privately, and let him/her know that you are done and need to have at least a separation for a time, so that he/she has a heads up and can plan support for your husband? I would hope that you could have a joint therapy session where you could tell your husband that you need to separate for your own health and happiness, etc. You know from previous experience that he will not react well to this news, so I think it’s best to give it to him in a place where he has clear support and where a professional can suggest short-term in patient care if he is expressing an intention to hurt himself.

He can ALWAYS tell you that he will hurt himself if you leave him. Whether he actually intends to or not, you have to assume that he will, AND you have to accept that it is his choice. You can’t stay forever to protect him – that’s unreasonable and unhealthy and unfair. You deserve to have a life. I do think you have every right to leave him if it’s what you want, but I also think you have to do it sooner rather than later. It will not get easier with time. You have to focus on how to leave your marriage and NOT on your relationship with this other guy. Put him on the back burner until you work this out. Then, if he and you are both still interested in seeing where things go, you can go into it with an open mind and hopefully less guilt.

Post # 10
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@unfaithfulandconfused:  First of all, I am sorry you are having all of these problems.  I think you need to take a step back and look at what was the reason you cheated.  Is this something that is going to be a continual problem?  Somewhere in your reasoning you decided that cheating on your husband was acceptable.  You need to identify what that was, and determine if this is going to be an ongoing problem.  

 

If you want to stay with him, then you need to change your behavior.  I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you are the one doing wrong.  If you love your husband than you need to find out what YOU need to do, to make it work.  If you don’t love him, then you need to tell him the truth, and leave.  I know he has health problems, and you feel bad.  But, staying in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy will just lead to more problems.

Post # 11
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’ve been in your husbands shoes.  It’s not fun.  When you are depressed or facing a mental illness, its hard to compliment and value yourself let alone others around you.  Instead of being there for him during a truly difficult time for HIM, you turned this into your feelings and cheated on him.

Leave him, and spare him the details.  It will crush him.  If you don’t love him, you aren’t doing either of you any favors.

Post # 13
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

@unfaithfulandconfused:  I don’t think you staying in the relationship will help the situation. It sounds like he needs more intensive medical/psych treatment, because what he’s currently getting isn’t helping him.

Post # 14
Member
1748 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@minipenguin:  +1

Marriage is a relationship with give and take and if you’re the only one putting effort in then it’s not going to work. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I agree that, for his safety, you need to make sure his therapist his aware that you’re leaving. Also, for your own sake I think you should break off the affair after leaving the husband simply because you need time alone to figure things out and just…be alone. That’s not to say that you and this other guy can’t be together in the future.

Post # 15
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@unfaithfulandconfused:  Do not tell your husband about your affair.

This really is a terrible situation to be in – I am so sorry!

I would continue seeing the therapist and see if she has any ideas on how to break this to him gently (if you decide to leave).You need to decide what you really want to do. In the meantime, I would cool the jets w. the new guy. I know you said you and your husband aren’t sleeping together at the moment, but you at least owe him to be STD-free. He probably isn’t dumb either… if you’re a good girl, eventually you will let it slip somehow and he’ll figure out what’s going on, and be devastated. If you do decide to leave, you need to make sure he has a support system nearby. The last thing you want is him on your conscience (if he does something to hurt himself).

I am not convinced that you’re in love with this new guy, though. If you do decide to leave, I would seriously consider spending some time alone to figure stuff out.

Only you know if you’re at the point in your marriage where it isn’t fixable anymore. Do not stay simply out of pity… but also don’t give up if you do still love him. The new guy is adding a way out, and some excitement… don’t let that cloud your judgement.

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