(Closed) Having arguments with husband at least once a day

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1938 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It sounds like you guys might benefit from couples counseling….

Start it now before things get even worse.

HUGS, this is no fun I am sure.

Post # 4
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@gramgeek:  I’m so sorry to hear that.  I can’t imagine that you hoped to start newlywed life with a lot of arguments. Maybe SweetartMD’s advice to go to couples counseling is on target. But if you want to try to work things out first, how long has it been going on? Has it just been getting worse?

Sometimes I find I just need to call a truce for a week where neither party bickers to the other and makes an effort to be especially sweet – this doesn’t necessarily fix underlying problems but can give you both some perspectve and help cool things down awhile. 

One thing that came to mind reading your post is something I read about in an undergrad class – the essence of it was a negative cycle; one person gets envious/jealous of the other and therefore clingier, the second person tries to pull away from the clinginess which freaks out the first person more who becomes even more clingy, and then the second pulls away more – and it’s just a horrible cycle. I know that’s not your problem (clinginess) but the cycle sounds like what you guys are going through – you get upset if he doesn’t get to stuff around the house, he gets upset that you are upset and then doesn’t do anything, you get more upset when he doesn’t do anything, etc. Maybe you need something to pause the cycle.

Maybe a compromise would also work; maybe allow him to do less around the house for now while he is stressed but ask him not to complain when you guys are making plans and spending time going out because you are making an effort to cover more work at the home while he is so busy? It’s a tough solution because you shouldn’t have to do everything at home especially if you both have busy schedules. 

Sorry again – this must be so stressful! Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My husband and I are “bickerers” by nature, and I’ve found that it REALLY helps to just make a conscious big effort to be sweet. When you’re receiving sweet attitude, you don’t really feel like being snarky.

Like, sometimes I’ll go in the kitchen and see a pile of dirty dishes and everything is a mess because if I don’t do something one day it doesn’t get done. Well, instead of yelling about it I just wash them and say “hey, would you like something from the kitchen?”. And this attitude is super well received, and then I can ask sweetly “do you mind doing this and this?” and he never minds.

Post # 6
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

my husband and i went through that stage early in our marriage, it sucks and killed me all the time as i always thought that being newlyweds meant so much love and joy …. it wasnt. it was so hard!! we fought all the time….

but we spoke about it, i never gave up on communication , and the main issue was learning how to live with eachother and the ideals and stereotypes that newlyweds have.

we have been married for a year and a half and we feel so much happier now than in the first 6 months.

its normal to bicker but communicate, work together and youll be fine 🙂 xx

Post # 7
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @gramgeek:  … lol, welcome to the ups and downs of married life.

If your Profile info is correct, you guys are just brand new married people.

And even if you lived together before, marriage is different.  There is a distinct adjustment period in the first year (more so if you didn’t live together beforehand)

Couples like individuals have their own ebb & flow, and ways of living & doing things, as well as coping mechanisms

Things are not going to always be sweet and wonderful

The truth is living with someone 24/7 is difficult

The trick is in how you manage it…

Now you could spend the next 5 years correcting / judging / testing and b!tching at each other

OR you could spend the next 50 figuring out what is important and how to get along

I’m not saying that you should totally ignore his behaviour / quirks… what I am saying is figure out what for you are going be the BIG items that drive you crazy and have to be addressed in your relationship.

As they say “Don’t sweat the small stuff… and in the big scheme of life it is really all small stuff”

And remember the following… a marriage that works means that both partners didn’t give 50% each… but 110% percent each… so they could carry the relationship thru the bad times when needed… and still have stuff left over in the good times

Mr TTR and I have been together now over 7 years… and living together always has its moments… (and altho we don’t fight, or argue… we certainly bicker or have our testy days)

I like to think we both manage our issues (and they really are our own personal issues) about the other person much like bebero:  has described.  Sometimes I’m the one who cleans up the mess in the kitchen… sometimes it is him.  We do not make the other person however feel guilty about it.  We just do it … because quite frankly if we lived alone, we’d do it ourselves anyhow… having another person to live with and share our life with, far outweighs the fact that we end up cleaning up the kitchen MORE than we’d like to (but aaaah yes LESS than if we lived alone)

You guys will work it out… it just takes time.

Hope this helps,

PS… Don’t nag him.  You are his WIFE and Life Partner… he is not a child, and you are not his Mother. Besides not being a “pretty” trait… and men despise it.  Ya know what they say about Nags & Race Horses ?  The sure fire way to break a Thoroughbred of his spirit is to mate him up with a Nag !!

Something to be said for that 😉 *wink*

 

 

Post # 9
Member
1176 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@gramgeek:  Sorry I don’t have time for a more in-depth response, but for now here are three words that’ll change your life: get a maid. Seriously.

Post # 10
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

My Fiance and I go through phases. (We’ve been living together for 2.5 years now). At the moment, we are in the midst of one of “those” phases, and fight at least once a day – perfectly fine one second, then fighting about something the next, and perfectly fine the second after that! It is exhausting – but I also find that it happens during times we spend too much “blah” time together where we are together but not really being there in the moment with each other instead of good quality time. 

BUT that is just us…and it could be completely different for you guys! 🙂 I totally agree with @bebero:  in that making conscious efforts to be lovely even when you least feel like it. 

I also read somewhere (please don’t take this for gold, who knows where i read it!)but it mentioned that in an argument there is always one person who is less invested, or is sort of just arguing for the sake of holding a point. That person should take on the role of diffuser using a method that they find works. The article suggested laughing to diffuse an argument (granted it wasn’t about anything serious) – I have tried this and it does seem to work, a bit of a giggle followed by a hug seems to make it easier to calm down and talk about whatever the issue is. 

 

Like I said though, these are only things that we have tried – and they don’t always work, but sometimes do. I find it helpful to try and think about the nice things he does for me (although that is super hard to do when you’re cranky and I rarely get very far with it! haha)

Good luck and don’t fret. It’s all natural and you, your husband and your marriage will be perfectly fine! xxx

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