Post # 1
Thank you for taking the time to read this, sorry if it ends up being a bit long.
I’m not sure exactly what I am looking to get out of this post, but I am wondering if anyone has ever been in a similar situation as myself and how it turned out.
My husband and I are newly weds and are extremely happy together. We recently bought our first house, and moved in over the Christmas holidays. We are a bit younger than most married people. We are both finishing our bachelors this year and have both recently been accepted to graduate schools for this upcoming September. We are in a very good place financially. We were highschool sweethearts and I have been with him since I was 15.
I was recently speaking with my sisters who often tease me about “Popping out the first kid” (I am the oldest of my siblings). In confidence I told them I am actually looking into getting an IUD very soon, so kids are not in the near future. I believed this was logical. Our plan is to start trying for children in approximately 8 years, when I am 30. By the time I am finished school, I will have been in post secondary education for 7 years. I want to have a career established before having children, so that it doesn’t feel like that was a waste. I would like to be in a stable place, so that I could work as minimally as possible and ideally be a stay at home mother.
Appalingly, my sisters told my mom. My family has been absolutely horrendous to me about this. They say that waiting to have children until the 8th year of marriage is a horrible idea. That we will be too comfortable just the 2 of us and children will ruin it. I wont be able to conceive so late (I’m in health sciences, I know that much is not true).
However the idea that children might put a huge strain on our relationship, after 15 years of being childless together, did make me think. I know many women don’t have children until their 30s these days, but many women also don’t meet their husband until they are in their mid to late 20s. I can’t lie that I have worried about the possibility of it being difficult to conceive the later I wait.
Has anyone else waited a very long time before starting a family? I think I just sort of needed to rant. Are you glad you waited? Do you wish you hadn’t? Was it hard to have children after being childless so long?
Post # 2
I absolutely disagree with your family. First, your family planning is YOUR business and not theirs, and I wouldn’t mention anything about it to them again. Second, the longer you and your Darling Husband have been a team, the better you will probably be as parents. You will know each other better and quite possibly have a stronger foundation than people who have not been together as long. Last, when you have your child/ren s/he/they will be very wanted, not rushed because you thought it was the “thing to do.” I think your plan sounds well-thought out and considered. Please don’t let anyone dissuade you from doing what you know is right for your life and your marriage.
Post # 3
I am also in my last year of my undergrad and will get my bachelor’s soon and can relate to you! I don’t have kids yet, and like you and your husband, my Fiance and I aren’t planning anytime soon. That being said, your family is absolutely wrong! It is up to you and your husband ONLY as to when you have children. I personally think it’s a great idea to wait after being married a while to have children. Whether it be 2 years, 5 years.. hell even 10! Enjoy your time alone together, travel, establish you career, do the things YOU want to do. There is nothing wrong with that.
I’m so thankful someone roughly the same age as me thinks the same! I thought I was the last one lol. But then again people have been asking me when I was having kids since I turned 20… 2 years ago.. lol
Post # 4
echomomm : Thank you! I appreciate your perspective. I think that’s how I have seen it as well up until this point. I guess it’s just when your family questions something as important as that it makes you take a step back and wonder if they are correct.
Post # 5
pipsqueak : I think your family is being ridiculous. You should have children when you are ready, period. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together. Having good quality time togther to live your lives before having kids is a plus in my book, not a minus! I waited until I was 32 to have my first kid and wouldn’t have had it any other way. Granted, I didn’t meet my husband until I was 25, but still. My parents got married at 20 and didn’t have me until they were 31, married 11 years. They just weren’t ready to be parents in their 20’s, which I think is totally reasonable. It’s honestly none of your family’s busniess when you want to have kids.
Post # 6
hmking : I think we are the same age then!!! Haha it’s so great to see others in the same boat!! Young marriage can be lonely! (Not in the sense of true loneliness of course, but there arent many of us!)
Post # 7
For what it’s worth I think your plans to wait are sensible, practical, and actually quite romantic.
I ticked the first option in your poll but that’s due to our meeting later in life’s and therefore not being able to afford the time biologically to see if we could have a baby together.
Im so happy to be pregnant BUT the thing we say to each other is we wish in some ways we’d met sooner as we’d have longer together.
On the plus side we’ve both done our travelling, partying and we are now really ready as you can ever be and don’t feel we are missing out on anything
The fact you want to live your lives a bit first is a great thing.
Post # 8
I can’t answer your poll, as we don’t have children yet, but Darling Husband and I are also newlyweds and were also high school sweethearts (we got together around 15/16). We’re actually coming up on our 10 year (dating) anniversary this year, so I can kind of relate. We’re hoping to start TTC from about mid year and I honestly don’t think that the length of time we’ve been together has made any difference. I have been ready to have kids for a few years whereas Darling Husband hasn’t and there have been other circumstances that have just meant it wasn’t a good time – this year, everything is starting to fall into place and we finally feel like we can offer our future children the life we want to. It’s been great just being us two but we have plenty of time for that again when our kids move out lol.
All I can say is try not to let your family’s opinions get to you. If you believe that waiting until you’re 30 to TTC is the best decision given your circumstances, then this is the best decision. You and your husband are the people who have to raise these kids, so yours are the only opinions that should matter. Your plan makes a lot of sense to me (and I lot of other people I would wager) – so enjoy the next 8 childless years!
Post # 9
My parents got married the week they graduated from college…they were 22. I was born then they were 30 and my sister when they were 34. They were also high school sweethearts. While I don’t think waiting so long was planned (miscarriages), my mom always says she’s glad they waited so long because they really grew together. They’re very happily married 40 years later.
Post # 10
Don’t let your family tell you what to do or guilt you in to parenthood sooner than you wanted. Have childeren when you are ready, not when they want you to. I have been married nearly three years but we have been together for nearly 14 years, and we still don’t have kids, but looking to TTC possibly this month! eeek!! We have waited until we both feel ready. We have managed to basically cut our morgage right down, which will take a lot of pressure off the money situation when we do have kids and I won’t be able to work as much. I am 32 this year!!
Post # 11
Don’t let your family guilt you! I am recently married and we are TTC but I am 35. I wish we had a few years to wait to TTC! Enjoy your time with you husband. Pay down any debt, work on paying off your house. Have kids when YOU feel ready!
Post # 12
I feel you. My Darling Husband and I have been married two years but together 9 and I won’t consider TTC before I am thirty (another 2 years away). I’m establishing my career, we own our home and when we do have a baby I want to be financially comfortable.
Some of our family may privately side eye, but I couldn’t care less. My body. My/our decision.
Post # 13
pipsqueak : I’m not in this position (yet) but I have a cousin that was.
She and her husband married in their late 20’s (28/29 if memory serves) but didn’t have their 2 kids until she was 38 and 40. They were on the fence for a really long time about whether or not they actually wanted to have kids so that was in part why they waited so long.
They were much more prepared financially being older parents. My cousin is now a Stay-At-Home Mom and they can comfortably afford it because she worked all the years they were child free. She had no qualms about staying home as she felt like she had given a lot of years to her career and was ready to try something different.
However, having kids was a huge adjustment because it was just them for so many years. They tried to keep their child free lifestyle up, in going out to dinner and traveling all the time. Obviously it was much harder to do with 2 little ones. You would think as older parents they would have more patience, but they don’t. Their kids are very spoiled because their behavior is always rewarded with material things. They don’t realize that most families do not go to Hawaii every year. They have better cell phones than I do. The kids got dumped on the grandparents a lot (in my opinion) so that the parents could have their own time. It seems as an outsider that they had more trouble adjusting than my other cousins and sister who had kids when they were younger.
But in your case, OP, I don’t think waiting until you are 30 to have kids is old by any means. I think it makes sense to focus on your career for a while, especially since you went to grad school. Try not to let your family get to you. If they’re all used to popping kids out as soon as you get married, it’s them that will have to adjust to what your plans are, which are really none of their business anyway.
Post # 14
pipsqueak : It’s less about the time married, and more about the age of the mother. Having your first child at 30 is fine! Your family is being silly. More to the point, your sisters and mothers need to butt out of your business. Your uterus isn’t their business.
I ticked “3-5 years”, but that’s because I married in my mid-20s, and conceived when I was 29. I have some very good friends who waited 7-10 years before their first child. I also know some very happily, strongly married couples with 20+ year marriages and no children at all.
Post # 15
Do not let them make you feel guilty!! I think your plan sounds more than reasonable. We’re kind of in the same boat. We’re high school sweet hearts, met when we were 17, engaged at 22 and I had just turned 24 when we got married (DH was still 23). I always thought I wanted kids around 27, but I’ll be 25 in April, and 27 just seems entirely wayyyy too close. We’re thinking 29ish now, but I want 4 kids so I also can’t afford to wait forever lol. I don’t agree with your parents…if anything, I think us being together for 12 years and growing in so many ways together and individually, will make us a better team.