(Closed) Having doubts… :(

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee

@Wondering87:  It’s the feeling of something new. You’ll get over it in a month.

Post # 4
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Im sorry the previous poster was so dismissive. Have you met this woman? What sort of feelings do you have for her that you don’t have for your FI? Have you ever had feelings for girls before? 

Post # 6
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Wondering87:  A life-long passionless marriage or subsequent divorce is likely going to do more to destroy his soul than a break-up now.  Honestly, I think some individual counselling might be in order to help you understand these feelings and you need to really evaluate what you want out of life/marriage.  I know some people are perfectly content in a “best-friends” marriage where sex is infrequent/unsatisfying, but I’m not one of them.  I know because I’ve been there; tried and failed.  I’ve been in the passionless marriage where we were roommates and got along great and didn’t argue etc… but it just didn’t truly fulfill either of us.  After 5 years, it ended in divorce, and while we got a wonderful child out of the marriage, the relationship itself did nothing for either of us.  When I met my now-DH, it was like I’d been electrocuted by passion.  He still makes my blood sizzle.  And we’re best friends on top of that.  You can have both.  It does exist, and if that’s something you think/know you need in life to be happy, then please don’t put that on hold just because you don’t want to hurt your fiance or lose the money.  More than anything, I’m sure he wants you to be truly happy, whatever that means. Imagine you have a friend who comes to you with the same question; what advice would you give her?  Enter into a passionless marriage, knowing that it doesn’t feel right in her heart?  Or follow her dreams?  There is nothing wrong with you; you just hadn’t found what you were looking for, yet.

Post # 7
Member
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013 - Makena Cove

If you strongly feel that leaving him would destroy him and you dont want to hurt him and ‘could never live with yourself.’ then I think that this would be the time you end contact with your online friend. Sometimes life throws you a curveball such as this at an inopportune moment and you’ve got to make those hard decisions. My suggestion would be to try new things with your fiance and see if you can work towards the ‘gaps’ in your relationship to fulfill the missing spaces.

Post # 8
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Wondering87:  I want to preface what I am about to say with telling you that I am a woman who has been in relationships with both men and women during my lifetime.  My overarching response is that you need to proceed with caution, for a variety of reasons.  You have two main issues here: (1) you have developed emotional feelings for someone who makes you feel a way that your fiance, and exes have not made you feel and (2) sexual confusion/identity. 

To begin with, you said that you have been with your fiance for 7 years and that something was always “missing” as in prior relationships.  Can you identify what it is, that you believe was missing?  Was it emotional? Physical? Sexual? Open Communication? 

It seems to me, as though you feel some sort of emotional void or that you lack the ability to communicate openly with your fiance about issues that are important to you.  I say this because you mentioned that you never met your online friend.  Regardless of gender, the fact that the two of you have never met, means that your “relationship” relies on your ability to communicate with one another.  One thing I have learned about the internet is that folks tend to feel more comfortable expressing themselves and being open about personal matters that they ordinarily would not be comfortable expressing in person.  Folks generally feel “safe” in cyber space.  How is your communication with your fiance?  If he were someone you ommunicated with soley online, would you feel a connection with him?  Which leads me to my next point.  

Sometimes we build people up in our minds, and believe that they are greater than they really are or that they will be able to fulfill a void in our lives.  If you really and truly believe that you need to explore your sexuality further before committing to your fiance, by marrying him then you need to be honest with yourself and with him.  In other words, you need to do some serious soul searching because if you think you would hurt him by breaking off the engagement now, think of how much it will hurt him if 5 or 10 years down the line and into your marriage, you come to the realization that you are either a lesbian or you still feel a void in your relationship, and decide you need a divorce.  Is there any way that you can have an honest discussion about this with your fiance without him freaking out? 

I don’t want to be dismissive of your feelings for the woman you are communicating with, but are you simply excited about the idea of something new? Something that might be a little taboo?  Because if that is all that this is about then like one prior post said, you should cut off all ties with the online friend.   

Can you elaborate on the “feelings” that you say this woman has conjured up in you?  Also, when is your wedding?   

Post # 10
Member
3783 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Wow what a complicated situation! I’m so sorry you are going through this! My advice is to forget the girl for a minute. Picture your future with Fiance as your husband. Do you see yourself being happy? Satisfied? Or do you see yourself unhappy and regretful? If you think you can be happy with theis man and want to be with him then marry him. If you honestly don’t think that you will be happy in the marriage, or satisfied, then I think you know marrying him is not the answer.

Now, bringing the other girl into the picture, I would tread very very carefully. I have had “on-line flings” I guess you could call it, and it is very very easy to fall for someone on-line. People tend to open up more than they would in person, which is refreshing and means you get to a “deeper” level of connection much more quickly than you would in person. It can also be very decieving, and feelings can be very easily confused. On-line you have more time to think and type out what you want to say, whereas when speaking you do not have that luxury. It’s also easier to read and reread coversations to re-live them. None of these “on-line” relationships I had actually ever panned out to be anything real. I’m not saying it’s always this way, but it often is.

Back to you and your Fiance… I know you love him and don’t want to hurt him (because yes it would be a HUGE blow and seemingly come from nowhere from his perspective), BUT I think you do need to be selfish here. Don’t marry him just because you don’t want to hurt him. Look at it this way: if you married him knowing you wouldnt be happy, it’s really unfair for him. Eventually he will probably realize you are unhappy and not satisfied, which would hurt him a lot more in the long run, and be an even bigger ego-hurt that can can’t satisfy his wife in marriage. If you do decide you can be with him now, he will be hurt, but may someday in the future look back as thank you for being honest and not put him through something that would hurt him more.

This is not easy. Take a minute, step back, take a deep breath. I would maybe stop talking to this girl for a while to feel out your own relationship with you Fiance without any outside influence. Be very mindful of your feelings, even keep a journal or take an inventory of your feelings. After a week or two, go back and read it. Then decide.

Best luck to you OP! Stay strong!

Post # 11
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

This sounds really tough, I’m sorry. I do wonder if it means something that you aren’t attracted to him with his clothes off and never have been. It’s so hard to say though bc it sounds like you may have only been with him? So is it only with him or with all guys? Even though i’ve been with my Darling Husband for 4 years and he’s no my physical ideal, I do find him very hot naked. I love um…all his parts. But I’m also a very sexual person. What are your previous experiences if you don’t mind sharing? 

in any case, I do think seeing a therapist, even just a few times, would be helpful. I do think like other PPs hav said you should think about whether you can be happy missing sexual attraction in your marriage. It’s ok to need that even though others can do without.

Post # 14
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think you should look at that you talk to this woman each night… Like you looked outside your relationship and it was there. I would look into that more than it be a man or woman. 

Having doubts and having feelings for another person aren’t the same things. I would go talk to someone and be honest with your current partner. Until you figure this out, stop talking to her. She’s not helping and could be assisting you in covering the real issue. I hope you have good luck. Hugs. 

Post # 15
Member
2488 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Maybe you are BI/ Bi curious and the feelings are just curiousity? 

Maybe I’m super wrong tho –

Post # 16
Member
2488 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Also right after our marriage I was having major … depression issues.. thinking about divorce- but whats helped me get back in the swing is serving my husband- making him happy instead of my self…

its helped ALot!

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