Post # 1
So I just got engaged a couple of weeks ago, which I am overall ecstatic about!
One part of wedding planning that I am not happy about though is trying to choose my bridal party, specifically my maid of honor. Unfortunately I don’t have a sister or one clear best friend so my decision has been pretty tough. I have three closest friends who I’ve been struggling with choosing between. I have been leaning towards one of them (lets call her A) because of all my friends not only has she been a really great friend to me for years but she was also pretty much the first of my friends to really welcome my fiancé and try to get to know him throughout mine and his relationship (while many of my other friends just kind of tolerated or were indifferent to me having a new relationship.)
However, I’ve been having some doubts because over the last year her and I have spent significantly less time together than we usually do. She was having a super busy time at work, which I tried to be as supportive and understanding about as possible, but the end result was that we rarely saw each other and almost all the times we did I was the one initiating it. I do completely believe her that it was because of her work situation and not anything about our relationship but nonetheless I have felt hurt that I feel like she did not make any time for me and our relationship really fell by the wayside over the last year. Similarly I’ve felt like the last few weeks she’s been kinda flaky about engagement related activities, which has left me feeling a bit hurt. One example of this was that a couple of friends and I had planned to have a dinner together to celebrate one weekend, then right before when we were coordinating times and such she announced that she actually could not do dinner any day that weekend and instead could only do lunch. I didnt care at all about switching to lunch, but I did feel a bit hurt that we had all talked about doing a dinner together that specific weekend to celebrate my engagment and then she made other plans both nights instead. Also recently another friend of mine (friend B) who was involved in this event too, spontaniously commented to me that she was taken aback by friend A’s behavior related to the dinner. This comment both made me feel a bit self-conscious and also confirmed to me that I wasnt getting upset over nothing (something I had been previously telling myself) since it seems like other people would also be upset by this behavior.
So enter friend B, another friend who I’ve known for a few years but really only got particularly close to over the last year (partly as a consequence of being less close to friend A). Friend B is awesome and in many ways I’ve gotten just as close to her as I was to friend A, however, I’m concerned because our friendship is so much newer. I also worry that it would really be like a slap in the face to friends A and C, both of whom I know consider the three of us (me, A, and C) best friends.
And there’s friend C who I love dearly but who recently moved to another state so she wont be able to be very involved with the planning, shopping, and such. Also she’s never really got along with my fiancé as much as the others and I’d really like the person standing by my side at my wedding to be there for both of us, not just me.
Any advice about who to choose and why would be super appreciated! Thanks all
Post # 2
Who says you can’t have two maid of honours? My fiance couldn’t choose between his two best friends so he is having two best men.
Post # 3
I would have three bridesmaids and skip the maid of honour.
Post # 4
I was in a similar dilemma with my BMs so I had ended up making my two BFFs my MOHs.
Post # 6
You could just not have a maid of honor. That’s what I did. There was no obvious candidate for me (I don’t have a sister) so rather than stress myself out and potentially hurt people’s feelings, I just had 5 bridesmaids and no Maid/Matron of Honor. Worked out just fine!
Post # 7
I would talk you your friend A about how distant you’re feeling in the friendship. Maybe she doesn’t feel needed nor does she realize how important her presence is to you right now. I think a mature conversation about how it’s hurting you, will open her up about her reasons for becoming more distant. If you don’t want to talk to her, then I agree with others that you can have two Maid/Matron of Honor. I’m in a similar situation, actually. I may go with the two Maid/Matron of Honor option.
Post # 8
I didn’t have a maid of honour, just bridesmaids. I wouldn’t have one either in your situation. And MOHs don’t really help you with planning the wedding anyways, that’s what your fiance is for!
Post # 9
rainyday72 : “she’s been kinda flaky about engagement related activities” — How many engagement-related activities are we talking about here?
Post # 10
Thank you all for the replies and ideas! I have previously considered either no maid of honor or two multiple ones and decided against it. For me the only real differences I see the maid of honor doing for me is that she would be making a speech when the other bridesmaids wont be. My fiance has one clear best man (his brother) and I would like to match that. Also another thing I forgot to mention, I will have another 2 bridesmaids in addition to the three I’m choosing between for Maid/Matron of Honor. So with five total I think it would be more complicated to say either none of them are the Maid/Matron of Honor (but then choose one of them to do the speech) or to say that I have multiple MOH’s.
@acg90 Thanks for the suggestion! We actually have talked about it. The outcome of that was mostly that she appologised multiple times for being less available then she normally is, and attributed it to how busy she has been and how much stress she has been under. Since then it has gotten a little bit better compared to how it was a few months ago. At the same time the fact that it was improving almost makes me more disappointed by her now being flaky specifically surrounding engagment-related stuff. I’m questioning whether her apology really meant anything at all if this particularly important part of my life isnt being treated as very important by her. And let me be clear I absolutely do not expect my friends to drop everything and be super excited about my wedding because I am, I know that I will always be the most excited about it and I can’t expect them to match that (since it’s my life not theirs) but I do expect them to follow through on plans that we innitially made and they were part of.
@Daisy_Mae it’s been that celebration dinner I mentioned and then also we all talked about going dress shopping some weekend, which at the time she seemed not only fine with but also excited about. But then when I started trying to schedule it she’s suddenly not available for the next three whole weekends.
Post # 11
You don’t need a Maid/Matron of Honor. I’m a bridesmaid for one of my friends (2 other attendants) and she is not having a Maid/Matron of Honor, but I’ve naturally slipped into the role of helping her organize, dress shop, etc…I don’t mind not officially being the Maid/Matron of Honor – I’m happy to help however I can.
As far as speeches, you can have whoever wants to give a speech. I went to a wedding last year where two bridesmaids gave a speech together, and then one bridesmaid gave a speech alone – and there were 9 bridesmaids, so not everyone gave a speech (thank goodness!!)
Post # 12
rainyday72 : Have you considered asking your mom?
Post # 13
I wouldn’t try to “match” the relationship your fiancé has with his brother by naming one person to be maid of honor when one relationship doesn’t clearly stand out. You don’t have to have any speeches beyond the one traditional toast, for that matter. Alternatively, anyone can speak.
Post # 14
Thanks for the comments and suggestions! I’m pretty sure I do want one maid of honor, I know it’s silly but I do want mine and my fiance’s sides of the wedding party to match (not that I’m trying to match the same relationships but the logistics I do want). Five people on each side, one best man/MOH, one person from each side giving a speech etc… I may just go with friend A and hope I’m not overreacting about the flakiness.
@patchm while I love my mom, she and I don’t have the best relationship so I probably won’t go down that route.
Post # 15
If the only distinction you’re making between a Maid/Matron of Honor and a bridesmaid is that the Maid/Matron of Honor will make a speech, then choose A. She’s known you for longer, it sounds like she knows your fiancé and relationship best, and perhaps it might help you grow a bit closer again.
But think very hard beforehand about whether you really won’t expect the Maid/Matron of Honor to perform additional duties. If you hope the Maid/Matron of Honor will plan the bachelorette party or take the lead on any other wedding-related duties. If you interrogate your feelings & realize you really will want that or be hurt if your Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t volunteer to do those things, then choose B. Having high expectations that may go unmet will only wreck your relationship with A further.