Post # 1
Just got married a month ago and I am literally crying myself to sleep at night. Please let me know if I’m being a little too sensitive or if my relationship needs some reevaluation.
My husband and I have been together for 5 years, engaged for 2 but we’ve had many ups and downs. We’re complete opposites and although it was attractive in the beginning , I started to resent him after a year of dating. Long story short , I always complain he is not romantic enough , doesn’t try hard enough to impress me , and is just comfortable in the relationship. I’ve tried to break it off several times and every time I do , he has convinced me otherwise. I’m not trying to throw him under the bus- he is a great guy ; he’s loyal, hard working, and respectful but I don’t feel he was ever “crazy in love with me”. Now that we’ve been married for a month , I feel he tries even less. He doesn’t call through out the day, he doesn’t seek affection anymore, we barely have sex once a week, when we’ve had arguments he plays stupid and avoids talking about the issue , we’ve gone to bed angry several times and he doesn’t care to bring it up the next day.
I don’t know what to do. I know all relationships require work but I just don’t think they should need it this soon into the marriage! We should still be enjoying our honeymoon phase and I already feel like we’ve married for 30 years.
Im just so sad and people around me have asked me if there’s anything wrong. I feel like it’s sucking the life out of me. But I don’t like to talk about it because I feel like it’s not normal to have these issues so early on.
If any of you have gone through this pls let me know what helped. Or what was the outcome.
Thanks in advance.
Post # 2
I’m so sorry you’re going through this but honestly bee, from what you said in your post, you made a mistake by marrying him. You tried to break off your relationship multiple times yet you married him? Did you think something would change from being in a relationship to being married?
Saying he’s a “good guy” doesn’t excuse how he treats you or how he treats your relationship and now marriage.
Youre in for a lifetime of unhappiness at this point unless he drastically changes. I don’t mean to be harsh but you knew exactly who he was and he’s shown you since day one and you still married him. No advice can fix this situation, it’s all on you to decide what you want your life to be like.
Post # 3
But I don’t like to talk about it because I feel like it’s not normal to have these issues so early on.
I’m not sure where you’re getting your math from. You’ve been having these issues, by my calculations, for 4 years. I don’t know why you thought getting married would be hitting a reset button.
If you had come here with these concerns prior to getting married, almost everyone would have encouraged you not to go through with it. You tried to break it off with him multiple times and he convinced you not to. Now you’re stuck in a marriage that you never should have been in to begin with.
You need to figure out which path you’re going to take – end the relationship or try to make it work. If you want to make it work, he needs to be willing to work with you on the issues you’re having. That means therapy and really putting a lot of effort into communication and affirmation, which it sounds like are your two big complaints.
Post # 4
Marriage doesn’t fix pre-existing issues. It sounds like you have different expectations from your relationship and very different communication styles (i.e. he isn’t willing to communicate).
I would say couples’ counseling? But ultimately it sounds like your relationship has never really “worked” or you wouldn’t have tried to leave multiple times before. If there’s no way for you to be happy in this marriage you should leave and not worry about what other people think or what’s “normal.”
Post # 5
It sounds like… you need to accept your husband for who he is- not the romantic type, not a high sex drive, not super affectionate. If your goal is just to change who he is, then you married the wrong person and I would go forward with a divorce before there are kids involved. People dont change because they put a ring on their finger. Reading about the beginning/entirety of the relationship just made me wonder why you guys got married in the first place?
Post # 6
piscesgirl08 : I am not meaning this to be rude at all I am genuinely curious-why did you get married? Did you think this all would change after the wedding?
Post # 7
Public Service Announcement: PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE ONCE YOU GET MARRIED.
I also learned this the hard way. I thought “oh, once we get married, he will become a great partner. I had to at least give him the shot after all these years, right? Why would he stay with me and propose to me if he didn’t really want to make this relationship work?”
Ahhh, how ignorant I was.
And then you get into the joys of wedding planning and you forget all of your doubts because you are too busy researching floral arrangements. Then you put all of your deposits down and send out the invites. SHIT JUST GOT REAL.
Then the wedding is over and you are left with someone who you are completely incompatible with and it’s a struggle to get through the day. Sometimes people end up having kids to numb the pain of the relationship and that extends it for some time because you are too busy to even notice him.
But to answer your question, I divorced him. I was embarrassed that I was only married for 2.5 years and had to tell all of my friends and family that I made a mistake in marrying him. It was a very humbling time for me, but I made the decision that was best for me and I haven’t regretted it for a moment.
However, I took the time and spent many hours in therapy trying to figure out why I allowed myself to ignore the red flags and gut feelings and continue on with the relationship. It was not an easy time in my life, but I have come out stronger.
So yeah, I’m sure you weren’t expecting all of that, but I know what you are going through…
ETA: and another thing that kept me in the relationship is that everyone kept saying that relationships are hard work. Well it was definitely hard work, so I thought it was normal and all relationships were like this. That’s why I think it’s BS that people normalize that sh*t!
Post # 8
I think one of the previous posters was spot on when they mentioned your expectations. I think therapy could help of course but what therapy might tell you is that what you were looking for your spouse doesn’t have.
I think there could be two sides to this story, one side a person feeling neglected and unloved and another person unsure of what’s wrong. Therapy could help you see and understand each other better and help you understand and manage your expectations.
The problem though is it doesn’t sound like you were ever crazy in love with him and if you are unhappy it wouldn’t make sense that he would be all over you and eager to participate in the relationship. Maybe the two of you are just unhappy. I would try therapy because its a marriage but go in it understanding the outcome may not be happily ever after.
Post # 9
I think you need to ecplore why you married him in the first place.
Did you marry him because you really did want him as your husband? Or did you marry him because you’d been together for 5 years so it’s time to get married? I have the feeling it was the latter. Especially since you say you have tried to leave him many times but he always convinces you to stay. That tells me that you’ve never really been happy in this relationship but are too easily pressured into behaving in whatever way others around you want or expect of you. That is not a foundation for a happy and fulfilled life and needs to change, STAT.
You have two choices in terms of the marriage:
– Stay and try to make it work. But you will need to do so by setting your expectations and telling your husband in no uncertain terms that you need real, genuine effort on his part to meet them. You need to stand your ground when you feel he isn’t putting in the effort he ought to, and you need to be unafraid to voice your wants and needs.
– Leave and try to start over again. Try to do better in your next relationship when it comes to asking for what you want and walking away if your partner doesn’t meet your expectations. Have a backbone.
Post # 10
Just because he’s a good guy doesn’t mean he’s good for you. You knew about these issues for years and chose to ignore them and marry him. Getting married doesn’t fix problems, and if you weren’t in love with him and/or felt he wasn’t in love with you, you shouldn’t have gotten married.
Now – either go to couples counseling to try to figure this out, or look into a divorce lawyer.
Post # 11
Do you still feel in love with him? Do you ever have fun, feel good in the relationship? Assuming you still want to save the marriage… Reading this I wondered if you are clearly telling him what you want, and if you take initiative yourself. I have sometimes struggled with wanting my husband to do things, but I’ve learned he isn’t a mind reader and I need to tell him what I want. Have you ever said could you please call me during the day? Or just called him yourself? Where you won’t make progress is trying to get him to “organically” want to do things. He won’t wake up one day and spontaneously start wanting to call you during the day if you don’t talk to him. Counseling is a good suggestion.
Post # 12
Thanks ladies for all the fast replies.
I know I didn’t really go into much detail on why I chose to marry him despite my doubts but I think it’s necessary to say why.
I already went through a divorce. I got married to someone who I was crazy in love with at a young age and it was that magical, exciting, will make you do anything kind of love. He was my “soulmate” .. we were so alike and he was everything I looked for in a partner, but he later cheated on me. I forgave him and the relationship continued but it just wasn’t the same. I left and he didn’t really try to win me back until I was pretty much over him (which was a year later) and I had already met my now husband.
I think that’s why I stayed and tried to work on our differences – because I didn’t want to fail at a relationship again. I know it’s kind of a dumb excuse but when you have your family and friends telling you how great of a guy he is for you , you start to believe it. And again, don’t get me wrong .. he has a kind heart, he’s generous with not only me but my family as well, he’s very loyal. People like him.
I’ve been pretty upfront about my wants, I’ve even cried several times in frustration and he’s always promised to start trying more but nothing ever changes. I know I can’t change who he is entirely but he was so much better at this during the start of the relationship. So I don’t know what to think. I also know he has potential .. i have seen messages and emails between him and his ex and he was a completely different person back then. I’ve asked him why the change with me and he said it was stupid young love and he outgrew it (he was 19-20 at the time). I’ve tried to brush it off but it’s always bothered me.
I know people don’t change after getting married but I never experienced living with him before marriage. I’m 27, and come from a very traditional family. Although I’m a divorcee, my parents weren’t fond of us living together.. and I wanted to make them happy. My then fiancé never really pushed for it (he though we should save money for our wedding) so we kind of just let it be. I guess I just hoped things would change once we settled into our own place. My parents also really pushed for me to make things work because they didn’t want me to end another serious relationship for “stupid reasons”. I guess it’s because he never cheated on me or did anything remarkably terrible to me.
And that made to believe there wasn’t really anything wrong with him… but more, with me. Maybe my expectations are too high? Maybe I’m being unrealistic? Marriages are hard work, I know, but is it ok if I feel like I constantly have to beg for attention and affection?
Post # 13
Our relationship has always been hot and cold. He’ll usually care more right after an argument – then he goes back to his old self. I’ve always excused his behaviour because he tries in other ways.. he’s very helpful i.e: he’ll have food ready when I come home from work, he’ll clean the house, drive me to and from work whenever he can .. he’s there when I need him. We also didn’t live together before marriage so I suppose I thought he would have more opportunities to show affection after we move in together? Naive thinking, I know. I know I’m at fault here too.
Post # 14
piscesgirl08 : You do realize that he is showing affection but its his way? Fixing you food, cleaning up, driving you to and from work when he can. That might just be his style.
That is my hubby. He isnt overly affectionate, because he wasnt raised that way, but he is amazing at making sure that my life is easier with things like making sure the vehicles get maintenanced, doing all the yard work and cleaning the toilets because I hate cleaning toilets. I will clean anything else but I hate toilets.
Perhaps your guy is showing you love and affection by doing acts of service. You put more stock in affection and physical touch. You just have different ways of communicating. Also I would add that marriages ebb and flow. Some days will be great, others not so great.
But if you married him for any other reason than love and devotion on your part then you married for the wrong reason. You dont marry someone because you dont want to fail at a relationship. You dont marry someone because your parents expect it. You marry because at the end of the day when the world is crazy and life is spiraling out of control, your partner is the calm and loving port that you can retreat too. You marry because you cant see your life without them. You marry because you want to maintain that relationship for the rest of your life.
If thats not why you married, then you did it for the wrong reasons.
Post # 15
I understand entirely where you are coming from. Two pieces of advice.
1. Beyond the lack of affection, do you feel your relationship is built upon a strong foundation (similar values, beliefs, goals) with someone who you respect as an individual (not as a partner). If the answer is no, end things. If the answer is yes, then there is something worth fighting for in your marriage. I know this sounds depressing, but you can have a strong marriage and be simultaneously unhappy with your mate. The two things are intertwined, but not mutually exclusive. Just a guess, but I’d bet this is probably foundational to why you’ve stuck around.
2. Even if you do have the strong foundation it won’t be enough to keep you in the marriage longterm. You need to get into couple’s therapy stat. Individual therapy if your husband refuses to participate. Again, this will sound depressing, but it doesn’t matter that you’re telling him how you feel, you need a mediator at this point, an outside impartial voice to bridge the gap between you. Someone to observe and suggest new avenues.
In short, I recomend that you don’t throw in the towel just yet. You still have options. Exhaust them. If you do that and still decide to exit the union you’ll be able to do so knowing that you gave it 100%.