Having doubts after 1 month of marriage

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry you’re going through this but honestly bee, from what you said in your post, you made a mistake by marrying him. You tried to break off your relationship multiple times yet you married him? Did you think something would change from being in a relationship to being married? 

Saying he’s a “good guy” doesn’t excuse how he treats you or how he treats your relationship and now marriage. 

Youre in for a lifetime of unhappiness at this point unless he drastically changes. I don’t mean to be harsh but you knew exactly who he was and he’s shown you since day one and you still married him. No advice can fix this situation, it’s all on you to decide what you want your life to be like.

Post # 3
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

But I don’t like to talk about it because I feel like it’s not normal to have these issues so early on.

I’m not sure where you’re getting your math from. You’ve been having these issues, by my calculations, for 4 years. I don’t know why you thought getting married would be hitting a reset button. 

If you had come here with these concerns prior to getting married, almost everyone would have encouraged you not to go through with it. You tried to break it off with him multiple times and he convinced you not to. Now you’re stuck in a marriage that you never should have been in to begin with.

You need to figure out which path you’re going to take – end the relationship or try to make it work. If you want to make it work, he needs to be willing to work with you on the issues you’re having. That means therapy and really putting a lot of effort into communication and affirmation, which it sounds like are your two big complaints.

Post # 4
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Marriage doesn’t fix pre-existing issues. It sounds like you have different expectations from your relationship and very different communication styles (i.e. he isn’t willing to communicate).

I would say couples’ counseling? But ultimately it sounds like your relationship has never really “worked” or you wouldn’t have tried to leave multiple times before. If there’s no way for you to be happy in this marriage you should leave and not worry about what other people think or what’s “normal.”

Post # 5
Member
9638 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

It sounds like… you need to accept your husband for who he is- not the romantic type, not a high sex drive, not super affectionate. If your goal is just to change who he is, then you married the wrong person and I would go forward with a divorce before there are kids involved. People dont change because they put a ring on their finger. Reading about the beginning/entirety of the relationship just made me wonder why you guys got married in the first place?

 

Post # 6
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

piscesgirl08 :  I am not meaning this to be rude at all I am genuinely curious-why did you get married? Did you think this all would change after the wedding?

Post # 7
Member
2307 posts
Buzzing bee

Public Service Announcement:  PEOPLE DO NOT CHANGE ONCE YOU GET MARRIED.

I also learned this the hard way.  I thought “oh, once we get married, he will become a great partner.  I had to at least give him the shot after all these years, right?  Why would he stay with me and propose to me if he didn’t really want to make this relationship work?” 

Ahhh, how ignorant I was.  

And then you get into the joys of wedding planning and you forget all of your doubts because you are too busy researching floral arrangements.  Then you put all of your deposits down and send out the invites.  SHIT JUST GOT REAL.  

Then the wedding is over and you are left with someone who you are completely incompatible with and it’s a struggle to get through the day.  Sometimes people end up having kids to numb the pain of the relationship and that extends it for some time because you are too busy to even notice him.

But to answer your question, I divorced him.  I was embarrassed that I was only married for 2.5 years and had to tell all of my friends and family that I made a mistake in marrying him.  It was a very humbling time for me, but I made the decision that was best for me and I haven’t regretted it for a moment.  

However, I took the time and spent many hours in therapy trying to figure out why I allowed myself to ignore the red flags and gut feelings and continue on with the relationship.  It was not an easy time in my life, but I have come out stronger.  

So yeah, I’m sure you weren’t expecting all of that, but I know what you are going through…

ETA:  and another thing that kept me in the relationship is that everyone kept saying that relationships are hard work.  Well it was definitely hard work, so I thought it was normal and all relationships were like this.  That’s why I think it’s BS that people normalize that sh*t!

Post # 8
Member
42 posts
Newbee

I think one of the previous posters was spot on when they mentioned your expectations. I think therapy could help of course but what therapy might tell you is that what you were looking for your spouse doesn’t have. 

I think there could be two sides to this story, one side a person feeling neglected and unloved and another person unsure of what’s wrong. Therapy could help you see and understand each other better and help you understand and manage your expectations. 

The problem though is it doesn’t sound like you were ever crazy in love with him and if you are unhappy it wouldn’t make sense that he would be all over you and eager to participate in the relationship. Maybe the two of you are just unhappy. I would try therapy because its a marriage but go in it understanding the outcome may not be happily ever after. 

Post # 9
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I think you need to ecplore why you married him in the first place.

Did you marry him because you really did want him as your husband? Or did you marry him because you’d been together for 5 years so it’s time to get married? I have the feeling it was the latter. Especially since you say you have tried to leave him many times but he always convinces you to stay. That tells me that you’ve never really been happy in this relationship but are too easily pressured into behaving in whatever way others around you want or expect of you.  That is not a foundation for a happy and fulfilled life and needs to change, STAT.

You have two choices in terms of the marriage:

– Stay and try to make it work. But you will need to do so by setting your expectations and telling your husband in no uncertain terms that you need real, genuine effort on his part to meet them.  You need to stand your ground when you feel he isn’t putting in the effort he ought to, and you need to be unafraid to voice your wants and needs.

– Leave and try to start over again. Try to do better in your next relationship when it comes to asking for what you want and walking away if your partner doesn’t meet your expectations. Have a backbone.

Post # 10
Member
13461 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just because he’s a good guy doesn’t mean he’s good for you.  You knew about these issues for years and chose to ignore them and marry him. Getting married doesn’t fix problems, and if you weren’t in love with him and/or felt he wasn’t in love with you, you shouldn’t have gotten married.  

Now – either go to couples counseling to try to figure this out, or look into a divorce lawyer.  

Post # 11
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

Do you still feel in love with him? Do you ever have fun, feel good in the relationship? Assuming you still want to save the marriage… Reading this I wondered if you are clearly telling him what you want, and if you take initiative yourself. I have sometimes struggled with wanting my husband to do things, but I’ve learned he isn’t a mind reader and I need to tell him what I want. Have you ever said could you please call me during the day? Or just called him yourself? Where you won’t make progress is trying to get him to “organically” want to do things. He won’t wake up one day and spontaneously start wanting to call you during the day if you don’t talk to him. Counseling is a good suggestion.

Post # 14
Member
944 posts
Busy bee

piscesgirl08 :  You do realize that he is showing affection but its his way? Fixing you food, cleaning up, driving you to and from work when he can. That might just be his style. 

That is my hubby. He isnt overly affectionate, because he wasnt raised that way, but he is amazing at making sure that my life is easier with things like making sure the vehicles get maintenanced, doing all the yard work and cleaning the toilets because I hate cleaning toilets. I will clean anything else but I hate toilets.

Perhaps your guy is showing you love and affection by doing acts of service. You put more stock in affection and physical touch. You just have different ways of communicating. Also I would add that marriages ebb and flow. Some days will be great, others not so great.

But if you married him for any other reason than love and devotion on your part then you married for the wrong reason. You dont marry someone because you dont want to fail at a relationship. You dont marry someone because your parents expect it. You marry because at the end of the day when the world is crazy and life is spiraling out of control, your partner is the calm and loving port that you can retreat too. You marry because you cant see your life without them. You marry because you want to maintain that relationship for the rest of your life. 

If thats not why you married, then you did it for the wrong reasons. 

Post # 15
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I understand entirely where you are coming from. Two pieces of advice. 

1. Beyond the lack of affection, do you feel your relationship is built upon a strong foundation (similar values, beliefs, goals) with someone who you respect as an individual (not as a partner). If the answer is no, end things. If the answer is yes, then there is something worth fighting for in your marriage. I know this sounds depressing, but you can have a strong marriage and be simultaneously unhappy with your mate. The two things are intertwined, but not mutually exclusive. Just a guess, but I’d bet this is probably foundational to why you’ve stuck around. 

2. Even if you do have the strong foundation it won’t be enough to keep you in the marriage longterm. You need to get into couple’s therapy stat. Individual therapy if your husband refuses to participate. Again, this will sound depressing, but it doesn’t matter that you’re telling him how you feel, you need a mediator at this point, an outside impartial voice to bridge the gap between you. Someone to observe and suggest new avenues. 

In short, I recomend that you don’t throw in the towel just yet. You still have options. Exhaust them. If you do that and still decide to exit the union you’ll be able to do so knowing that you gave it 100%.

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