(Closed) Having doubts – should I call off my wedding?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you have doubts at the VERY LEAST postpone the wedding.  Get couples counseling.  Re-evaluate the situation later but do NOT get married if you have any doubts.  I know 15k is a lot of money, but think of how much more a divorce would be down the road, emotionally and financially.  Sorry his relative is very ill, but nobody would want you guys to make the mistake of getting married if it isn’t what you BOTH want. 

Post # 4
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I never want to tell someone to leave a relationship because I dont know you or Mike. But I will make exceptions for cases of abuse. And he ABUSED you. It doesn’t matter that there were 6 years in between the instances. It doesn’t matter that you were the instigator of the fight. He should NEVER EVER lay a hand on you in anger. EVER. I cant imagine wanting to a raise a child, who will cause a great deal of anger on both of your parts down the road, with a man who would dare do that to the one he loves.

15K or having to deal with the mental and possible physical ramifications of an abusive relationship?


Post # 5
1390 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like you’re worried that you’re settling because you don’t feel that passionate feeling for him anymore. Passion does fade but you should feel affection. Do you ever do things together, just the two of you? I know with kids it can be harder but try to take sometime to reconnect with one another. If you still don’t feel anything, call it off.

Post # 6
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Oh hun. I’m so sorry you’re struggling right now.

Abuse. Cheating. No attraction. The desire to be single. None of this sounds like indicators of a happy marriage. But you have a history with him and with his family. You have a son together. So I understand why you’re torn.

When you think about marrying Mike, what do you imagine your married life will be like together? How does thinking about your married life make you feel?

I’m sure the thought of not getting married is pretty terrifying, especially when family and money are involved. But the heartbreak will be so much greater if you try to just bury these feelings, because it very much sounds like they are feelings that aren’t going away.


Post # 7
1870 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This is why you need to end it.

“My problem – I have no attraction to him anymore. Zero. I avoid sex all together. He complains i’m not affectionate but its hard for me to be to someone I am not attracted too. What do I do!? Does the affection go away out of all relationships? Do they all dwindle down to how mine is after that many years. In 20 years we’ll attraction even matter?”

Everything else doesn’t matter. You can’t be happy with someone if you aren’t attracted to them and are always thinking about other people.

Maybe you should try to postpone the wedding and seek counseling? Maybe that will help you make up your mind about staying or leaving?

Post # 8
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You should call off the wedding. I think you answered your own question. It is obvious that you don’t want to marry him. If you do marry him you will end up resenting him and things will only get worse. It doesn’t matter what anyone else things you should do. You need to do what is best for yourself and your son. If he was abuse once (and twice after finding out you cheated on him) then he will be abusive again. It is normal for attraction to fade a little when you have been with someone for so long, but it usually comes back. From what you have said your attraction doesn’t seem like it ever will come back. If you do marry him you will end up getting a divorce.

Post # 9
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

sending out wedding invitations should not make you feel sick to your stomach.

Before I got married the first time I had the same nightmare constantly – I was walking down the aisle toward him and crying uncontrollably from sadness.  I should have called off the wedding but I didn’t.  We divorced 12 years later.

Post # 10
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

If you don’t leave him now, you’ll have to deal with divorce paperwork later.  Postpone the wedding, take a break, figure out what you want in life. 

Also have you tried talking to him about it at all? Telling him you don’t feel right? 

Post # 11
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@confused_one:  My problem – I have no attraction to him anymore. Zero. I avoid sex all together.  I look forward to going to work every day just so I can go out and associate with new faces and flirt

While I dont think abuse is ok, you did choose to stay and work though it, and he has shown he can change and is devoted to you and the family.   However, you sounds complete done with the relationship..  You look forward to meeting new people and flirting???  How can you even stand at the alter with a straight face and say vows of marriage to him???  Everything great on paper that he does is worthless if you cant even stand to be with him.  A child is not enough reason to marry.  You owe it to him and yourself to be married to someone who can you can love and love you in return. 

Post # 12
3261 posts
Sugar bee

It’s apparent how you feel about going through with this wedding. Spare yourself the impending divorce.

Post # 13
28 posts
  • Wedding: March 2013

I would suggest getting couples counseling and seeing a sex therapist. Wanting to flirt with other guys is not marriage material. I wouldn’t send out the invites until you do this. The pressure of a wedding should not guide a decision that will affect you for the rest of your life. Avoiding sex is not good, as intimacy is so important to the survival of your relationship. Also, I would discuss the past abuse in the counseling. It seems that if you piss him off enough, hitting you is still on the table, which is also not okay.

Both my love and sexual desire for my man have only grown in the 9 years we have dated, not faded…and he makes me happy every day. Maybe not all day every day (we have our arguments) but I do feel lucky and happy to have him every day. So, I don’t think attraction and love fade with time if the relationship is right.

Don’t let the pressure of your upcoming wedding push you into making a decision that you may regret for the rest of your life. Good luck.


Post # 14
9690 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

My heart goes out to you, what a tough situation to be in.  I can tell you’ve thought all of this through carefully and you’re trying to do what is best for your son.  You recognize that his father is a good one even though you’re no longer in love with him.  I don’t know what I would do in your situation, that’s a hard one to imagine.  What scares me is that he hit you not very long ago and has been abusive in the past even before that.  What if you’re unfaithful again, and he finds out and really hurts you?  Where would your child be without a mother?  Maybe you should try to speak with a counselor or someone close to you whom you trust and get some guidance on this.  I know your heart is in the right place.  Please be careful and safe.  I wish you all the best.  Nobody ever deserves to be abused, no matter what, EVER. 

Post # 15
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

If you honestly feel this way, DO NOT get married right now.

I will say, I was with someone from 16-20, and within 6 months got with my husband. I never really had a “single” life, but I honestly don’t miss it. I had my fun, and its not like I can’t go out now that I’m married. We have been together for almost 8 years, and I am still crazy about him, and very sexually attracted to him.

I think if I were in your position, I would definitely get counseling if you want to try to repair your relationship

Post # 16
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It sounds like things went downhill after you had sex with his friend. It marked a change in you, maybe. Something that told you you were still young and set about a need to experiment or allow yourself to follow through on attractions. It was probably hard to sleep with your Fiance after that, too. The feelings must be very complicated. 

I don’t know for sure, but maybe your lack of attraction is a phase that you haven’t worked out yet. I am not perfect, and I find many men attractive going about my normal day working in the city. I’m only human so of course I notice bright shiny things. I’m sure my Fiance looks at beautiful women without hesitation, too.

 I would never follow through on this, of course, because I am also extremely attracted to my Fiance, but I can see how things can get muddled when you have already kind of started with the roaming eye and feel already as if you’ll never feel that sexual or physical spark with him again.

I definitely think you guys have a shot if you go to therapy. I can’t say if I think this relationship is worth salvaging though. 

Since the abuse reared it’s ugly head, even in the midst of finding out something like cheating, you can see that his anger is still there. It might never go away. It might get much worse. So I can’t in my right mind say I feel this guy is good for you to begin with.

However, your child changes things. If you feel it is worth it, you will salvage this relationship for him/her. But please be careful with this guy. Whatever you end up doing.


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