If anyone were to tell me what I am about to write happened a year ago I wouldn’t believe them. I had such a good relationship with my fiancé’s parents. His mother and I were close and his father was good too. I would even occasionally go and see them without my fiancé! Now I don’t even want to see them again.
It all started on our vacation to Hawaii together.
Few things you should know. My fiancé is an only child. Also his Dad and Mom are overweight. So badly that they both had to get the elastic band on their stomachs. It had success in the beginning but they gave into their old ways and continue now to eat horribly and don’t exercise at all. Also my fiancé has always had my back and stood up for me.
While we were waiting for our bus in Hawaii to take us back to the hotel his Dad insisted on sitting on an open back bench. There were two girls sitting on the other side of it. He sat down and scooted backwards and knocked them off! He had to have felt their bodies and yet he acted like he didn’t do a thing! I rushed over to the girls and helped them up. They were upset. I looked at his Dad and he looked at us all and said “did I do that?”. He knew he did it. I told the girls that I was sorry. At this point my fiancé was too. His parents ignored the situation entirely. I looked at his dad and said “what you just did was rude.”
He blew up. Not just yelling and screaming but he caused a huge commotion and people were scared kind of blow up. He ended up walking away and we missed our bus. When we all got back to the hotel room I was told by his Mom to go to my room and wait. I overheard them all having a family meeting about me! They said such horrible things about me.. needless to say I was baffled!! His mother told my fiancé that I was rude and needed to apologize to his father. I ended up walking out into the living room and just making peace with everyone so we could move on with our vacation. I was really upset though.
On that vacation a few other things happened. His father sat in front of us on the bus one time and sat down so hard my knee popped out because it was against the seat. He never apologized even as I sat there crying and people helped me. One day my fiancé and I took a day to ourselves and went and saw the local park. We got home and were scolded because we weren’t acting like a “family”. Mind you that day they went to see the pineapple fields (something we politely asked to not attend). This included water works from his mom and yelling from his Dad. As usual we apologized. She even went as far after all of this as to write a note for us that said “we are family, start treating one another like it”.
The last straw for me was the train. Oh the train. We traveled to Hawaii via train across the country. It took 8 days. It was so uncomfortable for my fiancé and I. We asked if there was a way to take a plane home for the trip instead. We were about to start college again and wanted a few days to relax and prepare and pack. His parents wouldn’t have this. We were called ungrateful, spoiled, and even assholes! We offered to pay we just didn’t want to be on a train for the last week of our vacation before our senior year of college. Needless to say we dropped that conversation.
It was so frustrating. The train ride home his father would have daily outbursts. We almost got kicked off the train once it was so bad. Picture a 400 pound man kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs. It was obvious to me now he had a manger problem. My fiancé opened up to me and told me about his horrible childhood growing up. His counselor he was seeing told him to tell his Dad when he did this that he “was a monster”. When he did his dad would say “I don’t care.” They controlled him and his life. They wouldn’t let his friends over because they didn’t approve of them. They wouldn’t let him go to one of his friends’ funerals because of this too. They checked in on his constantly and he told me he turned out so amazing because whatever his parents did he would tell himself to do the opposite.
On the plane ride from Hawaii to California to board the train they took up 3 seats. The little girl who was assigned the third was so upset she didnt have any room. I ended up switching my seat with her and had to sit on the arm rest for four hours. They acted like nothing was wrong the entire time. They kept complaining of no room while munching on chips and cookies.
When we got home things started changing for the worst fast. Mind you we weren’t engaged yet. His mother gave him grief constantly for not seeing them. He would visit them once a week and even with his heavy school load this wasn’t enough. She would insist on the two of us making time to see them. She would drive up to see us for lunch and give us such grief that I even “had to” miss a class. When we would visit she had nothing good to say. She told us all of her financial problems, how she wanted a divorce again [this was the second time his parents were married]. She crossed the line for me though one day when she told us that my fiancé’s father was sick and dying and our kids wouldn’t have two grandfathers. Speechless we asked what he had. She just shrugged and said “I just have a feeling”. I was livid. She even had the nerve of saying she wanted to move to a house she found in Pennsylvania if he died soon. It was “cute” and “a really great price”.
We sat down and wrote a letter to them. We couldn’t handle it anymore. We weren’t even engaged yet. Well that blew up to say the least. I lost a lot of respect for her during this. She put my name in vain, and even told my fiancé that I was a slut from a picture I posted on Facebook sitting on my bed with a smile on my face because “we were happy we got our condo we were hoping for”.
That was another issue. We wanted a place together. He couldn’t stay at our university anymore because he would be part tome and we found it was cheaper to stay off campus. She made up every excuse in the book to why we shouldn’t move in together. “What happens if his dad dies who will pay for his insurance!” [the school offers insurance]. “What happens if he doesn’t get a job!” [we had an emergency fund for 6 months]. My favorite was that we would do poorly living together. Well we both ended up acing all of our classes that semester.
My fiancé was also supposed to get $25,000 in inheritance money from his maternal grandmother’s passing. She keeps making excuses as to why we haven’t seen most of that money yet.
She has done a lot to us since then. She has gone behind my back on Facebook and messaged my family, co workers, and friends telling them I was a bad person. She told my fiancé that I wouldn’t be considered family even if I married him. She insisted on throwing a bridal shower despite me telling her it is something my mother was looking forward to doing since she found out she was having a girl. Her response was “it is the grooms mother’s job and she isn’t staying with tradition”. She insisted on driving the moving truck the day we did move in together and was over 4 hours late. My family had to work the next day and were very upset. They did stay longer because of her but I was so embarrassed. She gave us such a difficult time moving too even after we got the condo and before we were done packing up his room she painted it and made it her craft room. She is an extreme hoarder and broke some of his belongings and mine that I was keeping there before the move. She even started attacking my husband to be saying “you’re not the man that I raised”. When she started going at it with him one day in public he asked if they could go to a more remote and quieter place. She laughed and said “No. I want the world to hear how rude my son is”.
They promised us $15,000 for the wedding then went against this when we asked for help for a deposit for the venue. She complains constantly how she has no money but his father makes over $100.000 a year at Pratt, she inherited a lot of money from his mothers passing, remodeled her bathroom, got 3 news cars, a new driveway, a new back deck, and had most of the rooms remodeled and repainted, paid for four people to travel cross country via train to Hawaii, and is going to Ireland this summer.
When we finally did get the money we were promised for the wedding we were told “we expect to see you both more now”. I laughed. I even told my fiancé we should give it back. It is not worth having that demand over our heads. My own family knows of what we are going through and started to pitch in instead. I just lowered our budget a lot. If they do help us then we will put it towards a deposit on a new home.
His father blows up daily still. One time he almost hurt me it got that bad because he insisted on driving his car. [He is dangerous on the road and almost killed us before.] I politely told him I wasn’t comfortable with this. Needless to say my fiancé stepped in just in time. I walked out of the house but just before he started kicking and throwing things. It was so bad some of the neighbors came out and offered to call 911. My fiancé stayed inside to make sure he wouldn’t hurt anyone including himself and then walked out. As we drive away his Dad chased us saying “but i am your Dad you’re supposed to be on my side!” We had over 50 missed calls from them both that night.
They give him money he doesn’t want all the time to make up for this. He wanted help from them to get a loan and instead they threw a check at him. He has no credit and they think money will solve everything.
He doesn’t like them at all. He told me he was always scared of his dad. He never could speak his mind with them. Now that he was he was being hurt badly by their reactions. His mother even went as far as to tell him “you’re dead to me”.
The week we got engaged was the worst. Weeks before they told him they had life changing news to tell him. He dropped everything and went over to their house. He even missed a class. When he got there they ignored it and said they would tell him another day. This happened about three times. Two days after we got engaged they decided to tell him. We found out his father wasn’t his real father. He was conceived using a donor. He was broken. I will never forget that day. It ruined our happiness from our engagement. They could have picked any other time.
Overall I am just numb to it all now. I don’t see them. I make excuses when they want us over for dinner. I am hurt and forgave them for everything but I can’t forget. My fiancé told them he was fine cutting them out of our lives if they didn’t stop. He even demanded that his father seek counseling so he wouldn’t hurt others. His mother too for the way she treated others. She cut out her entirely family and we were all that she has left. They said they wont go to counseling without us. We are full time students.. working too.. and are trying to plan a wedding and have our own lives! We said no.
His parents call and text him constantly. Every night at 10 pm he gets a text.. “goodnight son. I love you. I miss you.” He asked them in the past to stop. His dad did it again last night and he said something. His dad said “you are so mean”.
I give up. I don’t know what to do. We are both depressed from the verbal abuse and we even are starting to take it out on one another. We always get to a good place but his parents have rained on our happiness. I am better off with them gone. We are both in counseling ourselves to try to heal the massive amount of pain we feel.
Finally.. The ring he proposed to me with was his mother’s grandmothers. Every time I see it now I get a bad feeling in my stomach from what this woman has done to me and I want nothing to do with her. I want to use a diamond I have and get it set but don’t know how to tell my fiancé. He is so torn and upset as it is.
Please help us.