(Closed) Having kids before marriage

posted 6 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think she’s being selfish so much as I think she’s cutting herself off from the possibility of someone really great.  

I met Darling Husband when I was 22–he had a 14 year old son.  (He was 32.)  It was weird.  It was NOT in my plan.  But I thought about it, and we talked about it, and I wanted to be flexible for HIM, so we all adjusted.

If I had made a blanket statement like that, i wouldn’t be with him, and I wouldn’t be so very happy right now.  But IMO, she has every right to say that’s not where she wants to be in her life right now.  

Post # 4
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I was not open to dating men with kids. If I got over 32 – 33 or so and was single, I’d probably reconsider that position, but in my 20’s, it wasn’t something I wanted to pursue. I tend to make decisions with my head before my heart gets involved (and I am good with that).

I don’t think it’s selfish, I think it’s knowing what I’m looking for not just in a partner but also in my life and pursuing that. If that’s selfish, that’s okay too.

I wasn’t interested in being step-mom in my 20’s. I am not even sure if I want kids, and it’s not fair to someone else and their child for me to get involved if it’s not a situation I feel good about.

Post # 5
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

By the way, I also would have never posted my feelings on Facebook and felt no need to defend it to others. It was a private choice I used in determining who I wanted to date – just like factors like location/distance, type of career, etc were. I didn’t need to go blabbing about it to others. I feel like being really vocal about it may be why she is getting negative feedback, rather than the idea itself. When you’re really vocal about it, it can be seen as judging others who are making a different choice.

Post # 7
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t think that’s selfish at all, at any age. Why would it be more selfish to not be willing to date someone who has kids than it would be to not date someone who smokes or is a different religion or eats meat? It’s a matter of lifestyle. I wouldn’t date a smoker. I did once, but I never had any real feelings for him, so his habits didn’t really concern me. It wasn’t ever going to be long term. I also avoided men with kids for a long time because there’s something about dating a guy with kids that suggests a higher chance of permanence, and I wasn’t ready for that (even if it wasn’t true that it would become serious faster). 

Your friend isn’t wrong that kids “mess everything up”. They require attention and time and changed plans and and and and. If you’re a parent, you know that. If you’re not a parent, you still know that. If she knows that she, as a person, isn’t ready to deal with all of that yet, why would she put herself, the guy and his kid(s) through the heartache and stress involved? Not to mention dealing with “baby mama drama”. Plenty of parents who aren’t together are perfectly amicable, but plenty aren’t. And it is HARD to deal with a kid who has been raised (at least by the other parent, because what are the chances you’d be dating someone whose parenting philosophy you don’t agree with) by someone whose parenting style you disagree with so fundamentally? My husband’s kids (two kids, two moms (exwives)) have moms who are so far from what I would consider even close to my thoughts / beliefs on raising kids. To the point where, if we had kids who knew each other at school, I couldn’t be friends with these women because I disagree that strongly with just about every decision they make. It’s hard.

If you’re know you can’t handle that, what’s wrong with admitting it? Definitely not selfish of your friend for feeling that way, whatever her reasons are — even if they ARE totally selfish (I want all of the attention! I want all of his time and money!). Sure, I don’t agree with either of those sentiments, but there’s nothing wrong with someone who’s up front about it. It’s not like she’s being misleading. 

Post # 9
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I preferred not to date men with kids.  First, because when I was younger I briefly dated a single dad and he wanted an insta-mom for his son.  I was 19 and didn’t even think I wanted kids at the time.  Later on, as I approached 30, it became an issue of wanting children of my own and many of the guys I was meeting were done having kids. 

As for your friend, I don’t fault her for her feelings, but feel like she didn’t express herself in the best light.

Post # 10
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I don’t think it’s selfish, it’s just a personal choice. Kids are a huge relationship issue. Some people choose to be child-free for life and would probably only want to marry someone who felt the same way and I would never call them selfish either. Your friend is choosing to only date people that currently don’t have kids. Sure, it limits her choices and she could miss out on a great man, but again, it’s her choice and her life, she deserves to live it how she wants to live it. Now, I don’t necessarily think she should have blabbed it all over facebook or something like that, but to each her own.

Post # 13
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Chrysoberyl:  I don’t think she’s being selfish… it’s her life and she can do what she wants. And she is 22.. very young.

I think it’s silly to enter into a step parent type arrangement with unrealistic expectations like some people do. It isn’t easy.

I never ruled it out, but in a lot of ways I am glad I got to start clean-slate with my boyfriend and that I don’t have to deal with the kid’s mother all the time or share the kids etc. We’ll have our own kids and not have to worry about blending families.

If anything, your friend is smart… she won’t waste a father’s time, or be the bratty step mother that some kids think is taking their dad away. It takes a patient and special type of person to be a good stepmother.

Post # 14
Member
6019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think that it will potentially make her miss out on some wonderful people that otherwise may have been good partners to her but I also think its a choice she is allowed to make for herself. There are many wonderful people without children as well (of course!) We all have things we want in a partner and this is on her list. I think being with someone with a child is a very complicated thing and depending on the relationship with the othe rparent it can be rather taxing on a relationship and some people are just not willing to do that. She is obviously one of those people and she has her own reasons. I don’t think she is saying that she like hates children or something but being with soeone who has children with someone else is just not a situation she is willing to deal with, and that’s ok. Plus when you have children, you want someone who is going to love your children like thier own so since she doesnt seem to be capable of that its probably best she doesn’t date someone with children.

Post # 15
Member
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Chrysoberyl:  I used that phrase in quotes because it’s not a term I’d use myself. All I meant was that to someone who sees kids (at this point in their life) as a hindrance, then that is definitely how they might see it. I’ve heard plenty of anti-kid folks use that phrase. And while I don’t agree with it, I can see, from their point of view, how a kid could “mess things up”, in their minds. I didn’t say it to offend anyone, or as my own philosophy on kids and dads with kids. Not at all. 

Post # 16
Member
7771 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

?  I really don’t see the problem.  That sounds pretty rational.  There is nothing wrong with having an ideal for yourself.  I think when we live long enough we realize that it is good to be open to possibilities, but I don’t see a problem with her knowing what she wants and thinks is important for her life. 

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