(Closed) Having kids without the "kids lifestyle"?

posted 5 years ago in No Kids
Post # 31
Member
1337 posts
Bumble bee

Having kids is not a guarantee that they will like you or want to be around you when they are grown. 

Post # 32
Member
1546 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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berrybelle:  I think you should wait as well. At the age of 28/29 I wasn’t ready to be a parent either, I got  afew more years of partying and drinking in. Then that became boring and unfulfilling.

As a  parent of a 1 and 2 year old I can honestly say I find joy in things that make my kids happy. So I try to make it to birthday parties for them and events that they would enjoy. That being said I still get plenty of adult time and do things without my kids as well (benefit of having grand-parents nearby who like to have the kids sleep over). It also helps that I brought my kids around my friends and thier kids since they were born so now they’re getting to the point where they all get to play and us adults can hang out and have fun too.

We could travel still but at this point we find renting vacation homes within a few hours drive is more suitable than say flying abroad for a week or two.

I would wait until your desire to have kids is greater than your desire to do these other things since it’s a  permanent lifestyle change.

Post # 33
Member
567 posts
Busy bee

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berrybelle:  Everything amanda3334455  said.

Before having kids I used to dislike other peoples’ kids, but now that I have my own, i just LIVE to see her happy. You do sacrifice a lot, you won’t be able to go out as much, your social life goes kinda downhill, my marriage is still the same, stronger I would say, but some things that you used to do before, you don’t really get to do them after kids. We do take her to child-friendly places like, chuck e cheese, jumpin jamboree, kids birthday parties and other kids friendly places, do  I like the craziness? Of course not, I get annoyed, but when I see her smile, when I see how much she is enjoying it, it warms my heart.

In a year and a half we’ve been to disney more than i’ve been in my entire life, she’s been on every single ride, except for the big ones of course. Now, we are taking her to disney again for her second birthday, and I just can’t wait to see her reaction, now that she is going to be older and is going to understand a little more of what a theme park is.

I think you should wait if you are so unsure of having a kid. Keep in mind that having a kid is challenging but rewarding, it is hard, life changing, but well worth it.

Post # 34
Member
894 posts
Busy bee

As with almost every relationship, being a parent is a balance with compromise.  Just like your life is probably different once you married or started spending most of your time with your DH, Fiance, BF versus your single days, ito the same with being a parent.  Healthy, balanced parenting includes family time/activities, individual time/activities, kid activities and couple time/activities.  How you balance those is up to your family.  I think you may be seeing some parents who are not balancing how you would and are reacting to that.  Not that their balance is wrong, probably it is right for them but may not be for you.  The balance will also adjust and change as your child ages – an infant/toddler requires much more family time/child time than a teen, who likely wants to minimize family time.  And it is always possible to travel once you have kids, if that is a priority to you.  My 2 year old has been to Europe on 4 different occasions, 2 of them when he was under 1 year old.  My older child was listing all of the places he has been in the US and internationally with us and he concluded that he has seen more of the world than most adults.  Travel is one of our “family time” activities.  We also made it a priority that once a year, we go on Husband/Wife vacation away without kids because it is important for our marriage and ourselves to take a break from being parents for one week.  I would easily argue that our social lives have gotten much busier and more fun, through our kids, because now we have many more different social circles – friends of my older son’s friends, friends of my baby’s friends, friends from soccer, friends from our old school, from the new school, etc, etc. versus pre-kids, we had my friends, DH friends and work friends.  We still have those pre-kids social circles AND the ones through the kids social circles.

I think that you will be pleased at how you, DH and your child(ren) decide to prioritize and what you choose to do for your kids and what you choose not to participate in.  After attending 25 birthday parties in 2 months, my son decided that he was going to limit his birthday party attendance to his closest friends only.  Ok, fine by me.  Yes, when we travel we build in things that we think the kids will enjoy, for example a child’s museum, but then they are good sports when I want to shop for a bit or DH wants us all to hike somewhere.  It’s about being the kind of parent you WANT to be and having the lifestyle YOU and your FAMILY want to have, regardless of what others are doing.  I hope that helped, best wishes.

Post # 35
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have an almost 12 year old and dislike the “kid lifestyle” too. However, I do it for HIM. And trust me, you may think it’d be fun to grab sushi then catch a play at a funky theater….but the fun goes wayyyyyy downhill after you have a bored 7 year old on your hands who could care less about such activities and whines all night. Or bringing him to a vacation spot that frankly, is boring as hell for a kid. Your enjoyment of the trip goes down. Been there, done that.

That said, we also talk about how us parents do plenty of things with/for him, and he needs to take turns going to places he might not love. We’ll pick the cool restaurants…but go at an off time. He can choose to eat off the menu or not. We also travel internationally with him at least 2x a year and several times domestically too. But we pair that with him inviting friends over, us going to his baseball games, and playing at the park. Because it’s a pretty lame life for a kid to have to only participate in adult activities.

Also, keep in mind that doing “kid things” are only a small piece of the puzzle. A big part of parenting is molding them into someone who will become a mature, responsible, and successful adult. Think of all the time you’ll spend building character…. The time when you’d love to watch Netflix or read your book, but the kid is ill behaved because he doesn’t feel like doing homework and you have to deal with that for an hour instead. The times you have to ground him for doing something and it means YOU miss out on whatever you were about to do, too. The times you need to negotiate a trip to the park in exchange for him nicely going grocery shopping with you. Really, all that is the exhausting stuff, not the trips to the zoo.

But really, saying that your life won’t change at all, just have a kid in tow, is unrealistic. And this is coming from someone who has done a pretty good job of not becoming Ms. Mommy but maintaining a fun, active adult life.

Post # 36
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

You say you have such fond memories of your own childhood that you’d want to replicate with your own but then you say you won’t allow them to do childhood things, especially having a birthday party because you don’t like doing these things? I guess I don’t understand that part. What was your childhood like that you’d want to replicate?

Id say wait to have kids and rethink it it 5-10 years. Your priorities may change. You’re still young so I totally get the lifestyle. I was always one to chase my career and never wanted kids. Yes I find most annoying. I enjoy going out to fancy restaurants and going out to drink whenever I want. But then I woke up one day and realized i wanted more in my life. now I have a child and a family that I enjoy buying her things and don’t really even think about what random useless thing I want or need. My priorities changed. I wouldn’t look at it as sacrificing your happiness for your kids because your kids should be what makes you happy. 

That said, kids are not for everyone. i dont think everyone should have kids. If you’re not ready to make some sacrifices and actually feel you want kids, then no. Dont have them. Simple 

 

ETA: we also have friends with kids that are in their 40s and they have 6 and 8yr old girls. They’ve always traveled with them twice a year also internationally and still go out drink and party and enjoy being adults With that lifestyle. Thats a balance you can have. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by joco.
Post # 37
Member
2732 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: County courthouse

If you aren’t willing to make sacrifices for your children…children are not for you. 

Post # 38
Member
3606 posts
Sugar bee

It’s not selfish to not want to give up your fun and fancy free no-kids lifestyle. I think it’s completely normal. Anyone who claims that they can’t wait to give up long leisurely meals, weekends away, non-child friendly vacations, and occasionally drinking their face off at a bar in order to change diapers and go to birthday parties with a bunch of screaming kids is full of it, IMO. I want kids and I’m not dying to give those things up, but the pros of having kids to me outweigh the cons, so I’m willing to do it and put a good face on it.

Also, my Fiance and I don’t plan on making my kids the center of everything we do. We’re not going to dump them at home with babysitters 24/7 while we have fun in the evenings and on the weekends (sadly, I know people like this), but we’re also going to take time for ourselves, have some date nights and weekend getaways with just us, not make child-friendly activities the focus of *every single weekend*, and drop our kids off at other kids’ birthday parties without feeling the need to stay the entire time ourselves. In fact, that’s what parents did when I was growing up — has something changed?

Anyway, I grew up being included in a lot of non-child friendly activities with my parents and I think I have benefited enormously from it. My brother and I also got left at home with babysitters from time to time while our parents went and did things on their own. We weren’t always the sole focus in our household growing up, and I think we are both better for it. I’m hoping to raise my kids the same way I was raised.

Post # 39
Hostess
11050 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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berrybelle: People have told me that your priorities change and when it’s your own child your maternal pull will be overwhelming. Sure if we have children there’s things that I’d rather probably not do, but if they want to have the experience I’ll do it, who knows I may end up enjoying it! Except clowns, they’re not funny they’re creepy lol. Don’t be hard on yourself. Some people know from a very early age that they want children, some are fence sitters and some just don’t, when it feels right will be the right time for you both.

Post # 40
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2007

7+ billion people is more than our planet can sustain. Since you’ve made it quite clear that you don’t want to put the time and effort into raising kids, do the world a favor by not producing any. 

Post # 41
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

If you’re going to deny your kids birthday parties, fun outings, gifts, etc. because you’d rather do your own thing they will probably grow up with a lot of resentment and resentful children do not make happy adult families for you when you’re old. I’d wait for sure if I were you.

Post # 42
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

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801wife:  oh that comment wasn’t towards you, really but there are people who feel that way which is why I got defensive.  A lot of people feel that people cannot be a family unless there’s two people and a kid. My BFF is a single mom and was told that they weren’t a family. I’ve also been told my fiancé, cat and I are not a family without even prompting them hence why I was a bit defensive.

I really apologize if I sounded like I was attacking you especially if we are on the same side!  But I do agree with all your points and as I mentioned since I was reading it wrong but sometimes you never know on these No Kids forums. 

Post # 43
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Here the thing…if you have kids, you won’t want to bring your kids to do these adult things you enjoy so much because you will no longer enjoy them if you had to bring a kid along.  We only have a six month old, but if/when we want to go out, grandma watches him. we are planning a trip next year to Japan and leaving him with grandma too.  you don’t need to stop doing adult things, but everyone would be miserable if you forced the kids to do them with you before they can appreciate it. I’m also not the biggest fan of kid friendly activities and bday parties but no way I’d deprive my child of them because I didnt like it.  Besides, as long as there is booze and adults around, I can still have a decent time myself :). 

Post # 44
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

Just here to say I completely relate to you OP. Don’t really have any advice, just interested to see the comments x

Post # 45
Member
5145 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Well. I am childfree. A big, big reason I am childfree is because I do not want the “parenting lifestyle”. I just don’t. I have known this even long before I was certain I did not want children.

If I had a dollar for every person I know who pre-parenting said “their life would not change much” and it didn’t…well, I would be at $0. It is also interesting as some of my family and friends who I have known both before and after having children will still say their life did not change THAT much but it is pretty obvious from the outside it really did. To be a good parent, it has to.

Even if you do travel, as an example, round the world with kids, the travel is going to be different. The considerations are going to be different. The experience is going to be different. If you are not okay with that, then well, you are not going to be happy with that reality either. 

Reading your post, well, I can’t tell you how you might feel down the road. But I can say that based on what you say you should not be having children NOW. Nothing in your post indicates to me that you want kids…you might like certain ideas you have about having kids, but you don’t sound like you feel ready to embrace what having kids means for you, your lifestyle, your choices, your marriage. Maybe that will change, maybe not, but don’t make an permanent decisions either way at this point, is what I am saying.  Be it to have kids, or to get sterilized.

You are still young. I think in time you will be very sure one way or the other what you want. I know you think you are not sure how you will know better in 2-3 years. And maybe, again, you won’t. Again, don’t make any permanent decisions then, either! Just because you said you would not think about kids until 30 does not mean you have to think about them at 30!

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