(Closed) Having kids without the "kids lifestyle"?

posted 4 years ago in No Kids
Post # 76
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

berrybelle:  I’m a teacher and I see plenty of parents who clearly don’t enjoy the “parenting lifestyle”. They’re the ones who don’t interact with the other parents, who don’t invite other children around after school and who don’t seem excited to hear what their child has been doing that day. Theyre the parents whose children don’t run excitedly to see them and their children often don’t do as well at school because the parents show little interest in their learning.

I completely believe that being a parent is a full time job that lasts a lifetime. You can’t do it half heartedly. You will need to sacrifice a huge amount and if you don’t want to do that please don’t have children. Wait a few years until those sacrifices font seem like sacrifices. You can have a social life as a parent, you can do loads of things but choosing to have a child means choosing to put that child first. As a parent your wants become secondary to the needs of that child. You’re still young, don’t rush into something you’re obviously not sure of. Parenting is too important to do at 50%

Post # 77
Member
3114 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

Ehh I definitely don’t think it’s the right time for you now, but that doesn’t mean that won’t change. I used to feel very much like you (I’m also emetophobic) and eventually I found myself not enjoying the party lifestyle anymore, not enjoying drinking any more than a couple of glasses of wine, and suddenly realized that I felt ready for a child.

I don’t plan on changing our lifestyle into something that solely revolves around our children, we hope to raise kids that understand that they have to do things that their parents want to do, and that we in turn will do “kid things” for them. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. We plan to travel with our children, there’s no reason it has to be Disney vacations from here on out. As for the vomiting, I’m going to have to learn to manage, and my husband vows to help deal with it as much as possible. 

For what it’s worth a lot of people don’t like kids that they don’t know personally, let’s be honest a lot of them are annoying when you don’t have any attachment to them.

Post # 78
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

One thing to keep in mind is that in general, our society pushes people towards having kids. For fence-sitters, the usual narrative is, “Oh, it’s different when they’re yours” and “You should just have them anyway.” It genuinely doesn’t sound like, at this time, you want the full experience of parenting a child, or the fundamental lifestyle changes that come along with it. That is totally okay.

Post # 79
Member
4029 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Daisy_Mae:  “then puberty hit and it’s like the Asshole Fairy sprinkled them with asshole dust from her asshole wand. So it’s not “a few years.” Try a couple decades.” 

hahahahahahaha I’m sure thats how my mom felt about me which is half of the reason I’m on the fence. She also cursed me by saying, “I hope when you have kids you have a daughter who was exactly like you!” LOL

Post # 80
Member
2128 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m in a similar position as you, OP. It’s all very well and good to say that a balance should be struck, but sometimes what seems like a great idea in our head, doesn’t pan out that way. I’m sure a lot of parents pictured their lives not changing much, pictured travelling with kids, pictured things going smoothly. 

Im going to throw another idea into your pool of confusion. This is something that I have thought about to help make a decision that works for me. What if your child has mental illness, a genetic disorder, or something else that isn’t “perfect”? Something that makes your child particularly noisy, particularly hard to take out, or prone to tantrums? 

Make your decision for you. Not because your husband would be a great father, not because your parents would be great grandparents, but because YOU want them. Don’t have them if you’re not sure – I’ve read of women who didn’t want kids, had them anyway because of societal pressure, the great father/grandparents idea, and the assurance that it will be the best thing they ever did. They now say they love their kids, but they hate being a parent, and they resent their kids for that. 

Post # 81
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

My parents provided me with a lot of opportunities and material goods growing up, but all I wanted more than anything was an emotional connection. My mom would take us to a pool, but would never play with us. I would beg for my parents to play board games with me and they wouldn’t. I would set them up and play by myself. They went to a few of my soccer games and track meets, but missed 90% of everything I participated in growig up. They never threw me birthday parties, would never take me to play with friends, never engaged in anything. My parents are good people and are generous with their money, but they are incredibly selfish with their time. I have moved to a new city and they have not come to visit once. But they fly through my city at least 5 times a year when they go on vacation. 

I tell you this because I turned out okay, but I still resent a large part of my childhood. Don’t have kids if you can’t be present for them. 

 

Post # 82
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I grew up in Germany with an overprotective single mum but even I walked home alone from kindergarten and school after I was 5 years. Nobody ever dreamed of other parents staying for a birthday party of a child that was not theirs – you dropped off your kid and collected it high on sugar a couple of hours later.  I started to stay home alone at 6 ot 7 and that was considered late. We did little shopping trips to get bread or milk on our own and usually played with other children while our parents were working or took care of the household. Of course, we also spend time as a family but during the week, we kids mostly did our own thing. The whole notion of having to spend every living minute with your children is very Anglo-American and I personally really do not buy it.

ALL our parents still had parties but few of them were friends with each other. If any of them had drunk BBQs we would play with the other kids there and eventually crash and sleep somewhere – anywhere with a blanket really. Those people where no hippies, they were perfectly middle class and often got up at 6am the next morning to work. It also wasn’t the 70s, I am only 26. If a party really was not child-friendly, a babysitter was organised – usually a cousin or sibling. It takes a village.

I personally think that travelling wide distances with children under the age of 5 is one of the most insensitive and selfish things a person can do. All children need at that age is a beach with sand or a forest to run around in. Their parents might think it is a great idea to show them coves and castles, but plenty of children will just be smashed by all the new impressions and cry a lot because their nap schedule is not as usual (can you tell I was recently on vacation and encountered lots of tired kids with parents who should really not have had them?).

After that though, you should be able to get back into travelling further away, depending on how well a child deals with travelling. My cousins complain up to this day that they’ve heard their parent having sex in the tent next door but neither of them has been psychologically damaged by that – so yes, even long hikes with sex breaks can be an option. Prepare for teenagers complaining the next day though.

I think the one thing that cannot be avoided with children is that they are messy in one form or another until they move out and take that mess elsewhere. But yes, you can have kids without the kids-lifestyle. I live in the UK and things are certainly not as bad as in the US when it come to overprotective parents but England in particular only seems to be about 10 years behind the US, so who knows where we’re headed to.

Post # 83
Member
901 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

The kind of parents you want to be, can definitely be pulled off. However, I think that’s what all people say before they have kids. “Oh, I’m not going to be like THOSE parents.” But that’s who they become. You won’t know how you’ll be and your parenting style until you actually ARE parents. 

As for your phobia, I hate to tell you this, babies spit up A LOT. It’s something you will have to figure out how to tolerate. 

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