(Closed) Having marriage problems not even a year in… feeling alone and confused.

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think you should talk to him before you talk to anyone else…  It is a big deal that he lied to you.  You need to lay it out for him: “I am upset because you lied to me, not because you were drinking necessarily.  What bothers me about the drinking is…” and you tell him what makes you upset about that.

Post # 5
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

How much does he drink a week?  What is he drinking?  How old is he? 

 

Post # 6
Member
2954 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 1998

Seems to me that he has a drinking problem and although hard he is going to need your support.

He needs to understand how serious this is.

Let him know how it makes you feel. This kind of behaviour can get out of hand really quickly. Think about what you want to say before hand 

Goodluck

Post # 9
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This is what addicts do – they lie. Everything and everyone in their life is subordinate to their substance of choice. My Fiance has six years sober. I have been exactly where you are now. It is crushing to realize that someone would rather hurt you again and again with lies and neglect than give up booze or drugs. But that’s what the disease is.

I suggest you start going to Al-Anon meetings. The support and community you will find there will be very helpful to you. You should also seek counseling for yourself. The counseling you are scrimping to send your husband to is probably doing him very little good.

Post # 11
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

The lying seems a bigger issue than the drinking.  I drink regularly — like, at least five or six times a week I have a beer or glass of wine.  I do not get drunk — that’s only on the weekends, either on Friday or Saturday, sometimes both.  However, the big difference is that if my fiance and I have a conversation about drinking, we’re honest with each other.

It is not a big deal to get drunk once or twice a month.  It IS a big deal to lie about it.  However, if you’ve made some sort of stipulation like…he cannot drink at all…then of course he’s going to lie.

Post # 13
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee

Sounds like it could be an addiction…. beginning stages any way…. It may be that he just can’t stop. Not trying to make excuses for him though….

Post # 14
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@beeshurt:  Who the hell cares if he drinks alone?  I am drinking alone right now.  I am an adult and know that I can drink while not doing anything but enjoying myself.  You do not get to choose what he does at all times.

What’s the problem?  If he’s at home, and not at a bar, and not drinking and driving…what’s the big deal?  You said you are TESTING him…that means you’re playing games.  I thought adults got married.  Not children.

Post # 16
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@beeshurt:  I told him if he didn’t quit drinking I was leaving him. He didn’t quit, I left, he got worse, then he went to rehab, he stayed sober for a while, and I took him back. He had a couple of relapses, and then his sobriety took hold. I would say it was a good two years after his last relapse before I really trusted him again.

The quantity of your husband’s drinking is largely irrelevant. What’s relevant is the impact it has on him and the people around him. Lying about drinking is a bad sign. 

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