Post # 1
I am 30 weeks pregnant with my first child and looking for some advice. Our baby is due end of Noevember. My family and dh family doesnt live close. They were planning on coming up to see the baby in December and celebrate Christmas. No set time frame yet really. I havent really given it much thought until I spoke with some fairly recent new moms and they gave me some things to think about. Like am I really going to want over night guests in those early weeks? I dont know how I will feel after giving birth emotionally or physcally. Also I will want dh, me, and baby to have bonding time.
My mom wanted to come up shortly after I brought the baby home to spend a week helping out. She understands I will be trying to breast feed so her role will be more of cooking, cleaning, laudry, and grocery shopping and my role will be taking care of baby. I believe her as we are pretty close. (My dad may come too but I believe he will be helpful too) So first question…..is havng my mom come up shortly after baby is born is a good idea for the extra help or do you think dh and I will want alone time bonding with the baby? Will it be helpful for her to come up right away or does it make more sense to give it a week or two?
Next question is….hosting other out of town family. Sisters and their family and in laws. In laws only live a few hours away so I was thinking maybe when they come to visit we could ask them to just make a day trip? They have done that before…..was going to talk to dh about that. So they would just come up for a few hours which seems like we could handle that. For my family they live 7 hrs away so they would need to stay and I would kinda feel bad to make ask them to get a hotel. Also even if they did get a hotel I could see them spending most of the day with us. I was thinking if its just my family we would have to deal with staying over night I could discuss some of my concerns ahead of time? I also worry…..and not sure if this would happen or not……but with family coming over to celebrate new baby and Christmas I dont want dh hanging with the family and drinking and relaxing while Im the one who will be stuck taking care of a newborn(No telling how I will feel). Dont get me wrong dh I think will help take care of baby but I just can see him getting distracted with guests and wanting to entertain them instead of helping me with the baby. Maybe I am overthinking it? I will be talking to dh about my concerns.
Anyway- any advice would be great. Will I not want anyone over to stay the night in the few weeks following having the baby or am I over thinking it? I definatly want our families to see the baby. Crazy how I havent thought about this until just now! Now that I reached the 30 week mark things seem to be getting so real and I my brain is going crazy trying to think of as much stuff ahead of time as I can!!
Thanks Bees! Any expereince with having out of town guests stay over after baby is born?
Post # 2
Bee, congrats on your baby!
Our first baby is due on Jan 1 and we also live far from our families (my in laws are 6 hours away and my side of the family is far enough they’d fly in to visit). We’ve been weighing some of the same concerns.
I am hoping that my mom can be here for the birth if possible – she was there for the births of my sister’s two babies and then stayed for the first week. My sister said that having mom there was a god-send. Our mom is awesome about boundaries and good at giving advice without being bossy or critical. So I really want her here. My dad is pretty good too, but I’m not sure if he would be able to be here.
My in laws are another story completely. We are asking them to give us time, so I can establish a routine with baby and can figure out breast feeding. Even though my Mother-In-Law didn’t breastfeed either of her kids, she will have Opinions and Suggestions and (bad) Advice about every move I make. Just thinking about her makes my blood boil.
I don’t think other family members will try to visit before we are ready. We live so far away from everyone and we live in a place with horrible winters. I think that aside from our parents, we won’t have overnight guests until baby is several months old. I am really thankful for that. Hosting guests can be a pain even without a newborn. I know I’d be super stressed to have people staying in my home with a little baby. Not to mention, I’d be so worried about germs. I’d probably ask that people stay in a hotel.
Post # 3
candy08 : how big is your house? Guest rooms, extra restroom for guests?
Post # 4
it really depends on how close you are with the individuals and how comfortable you are. Also depends on if they are normally helpful or if they expect to be entertained.
I am pretty close to my mom and she is SUPER helpful so I had her stay with us a week after I had each of my kids. So for my first she made dinner, cleaned up, did laundry, etc. With my second she did that but also helped with my first. It was great. She came right when we got home. I wouldn’t want my Mother-In-Law there for a week though lol.
People I am not closer to or not comfortable around I would not want staying the night. Also, anyone that would not be helpful or needs entertaining should not stay more than like an hour. Holding the baby while you cook or clean is not helpful. Helpful means cooking, cleaning, bringing food, etc.
As far as Christmas, how many people are you talking? I would not want to host christmas with a one month old baby. If you could be 100% certain that everyone else (not your husband either) would be doing the cleaning, food, etc then I might be okay with it but you really need to be confident that those are the type of people they are and that you have stated the conditions upfront. Otherwise I wouldn’t do it.
My second was born at the end of November and we drove 1 hour to my parents house and stayed there for 5 days or so. I’m very comfortable around them and it was just us staying there (my brothers live in town so they’d come over but didn’t stay over night). That was nice. We said we weren’t going to travel anywhere else so we didn’t take the kids out to my husbands family until February.
Post # 5
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
I think everything you’re concerned about is just a matter of opinion and what is comfortable for you.
I live about 27 hours away from all of my family and friends so I hear you! I’m not even pregnant/have children but I’ve wondered the same things.
I am very close with my parents and my sister and my mom is amazing with babies. Personally, I wouldn’t mind if she helped me with a newborn. I would be okay with my parents staying with us for maybe up to a week but anything more would be too much. I think it’s nice to have the help, but like you said, you also want that close family bonding time.
As for more extended family staying over, I wouldn’t want that. If you’re anything like me, you will be worried about the cleanliness of the house the whole time and trying to be a good hostess. Which is all really hard on a new mom who has a newborn to take care of.
As for your husband hanging out with family while you’re the main caretaker, I would wait until that day comes to cross that bridge. I have noticed with most new parents in family situations like that that one parent usually socializes while one takes care of the baby. I would take that opportunity to switch every hour or so so both of you will be getting much needed socialization but also splitting the caretaking as even as possible.
Post # 6
candy08 : congrats! Definitely make them get a hotel. It is fantastic to have help, but you don’t need to be hosting anyone while recovering from birth and figuring out how to keep a tiny human alive with your boobs (it’s harder than you think it is!!). They can come over during the day and then leave. My mom and I are very close and after my husband went back to work she took 2 weeks off to come over every day and help me (see lives locally so she didn’t sleep over). It was awesome and I appreciated it so much….but…after a few days I said “can I just have tomorrow by myself with you being offended?” and she understood. You need to have options since you have no idea how you’ll be feeling.
Post # 7
I had my first baby in 2017 and am due number 2 at the end of Jan.
Thing is – try not to plan too much now. You have NO IDEA how you will feel when the time comes. Here is my experience though.
My parents came to stay for 4 days the day we got out of hospital. My mum and dad were very focused on helping us to make food, do any shopping etc so they were a help. My mum also breastfed me and my brother so helped me a bit with that. I know hubby found it harder and he requested they only stayed for a few days as he wanted some bonding time with just us while he was on paternity leave (fair enough)
This time we might not have anywhere to put them up (spare room is going to our oldest) but it is also our son’s birthday in Jan. I think this time they will come for the day (doable) or stay in a local hotel. They are OK with this and they will still be on hand to help prepare some food.
My in laws live 5 mins away so they just popped by to meet baby / get some shopping for us.
As for Christmas – leave it as late as possible to decide, but I would work out with hubby now what you will both do to prepare / host. There is nothing wrong with him taking on the role of host and looking after your guests while you tend to the baby as long as you have agreed that in advance and you both know where you stand. In fact it could help you to look after the baby if he has all the food and drink in hand (and you know you can have a glass of champagne on the day even if you are breastfeeding)
Those early days are a huge adjustment, but I found it a lot easier if you work out in advance what you both feel comfortable with and how you will split up the house hold chores. Resentment comes in if you are with baby and you can’t see what your partner is doing. Also don’t underestimate the helpfulness of him bringing you tea when you need it.
Post # 8
My mom came and stayed with us for a month with each of my kids after they were born. It was a godsend. I didn’t have to worry about cooking. I had someone to watch the baby so I could shower or nap. My ex was basically useless with helping me around the house – I would’ve been a wreck without my mom’s help, as both babies had nursing issues, so feedings took a long time, and I developed mastitis with my second child and was laid out for a few days with a high fever when he was a week or two old.
Post # 9
I think this is super personal. I’ve talked to people who felt like having family stay with them in those early days was a lifesaver, and people who almost lost their minds over it and would say it’s the worst idea ever. I think it depends on a) your relationship with the would-be house guests, b) your dh’s feelings about it, and c) the big mystery of how you’re actually going to feel in those early days/weeks with a newborn.
In our case, my parents (who live about a 12 hr drive away) are gonna drive up the week before my due date and stay with us in our 3-br townhouse, and will probably leave a few days after the baby is born. I want my mom to be with me during labor & delivery…we are close and I know she’ll be helpful to me during such a stressful time. I also know my parents are going to be super helpful around the house…they’ll cook for us and help with the baby as needed, and I believe they’ll give us time alone as well. My husband is a bit nervous about it and would prefer they stay in a hotel, but I don’t feel right asking them to do that since they’re coming all this way to help us out. Plus since I’m the one physically going through labor/delivery, I feel that ultimately I get to call the shots on what happens in the immediate postpartum period!
That said, I would not want my in laws or anyone else staying with us in those early weeks while I’m bleeding, healing, and learning to breastfeed. My parents are the only people I can imagine being comfortable enough with to have around.
Post # 10
I’m just basing this on my own experience, but personally I wouldn’t have anyone staying overight and I wouldn’t want to host Christmas with a 1 month old either.
If you plan on breastfeeding, plan on having your boobs out a LOT the first few weeks. If you aren’t comfortable doing that in front of someone, don’t have them stay multiple days. Getting up and moving to the bedroom every time your baby is hungry with stitches in your vag is not fun.
You will also be bleeding—are you okay with those people possibly seeing bloody pads and prepH, tucks pads, peri bottle, etc in the bathroom?
Is your Darling Husband prepared to do 90% of the prep work to host people for christmas? All the cooking, cleaning, wrapping presents, buying supplies for 3 meals a day/drinks for all these people? If not, have them get a hotel and invite them over for a set amount of hours each day. I would maybe consider having people stay 1 night but not more than that personally.
You will most likely be the baby’s main caregiver for the first few months regardless; look up the fourth trimester. And keep in mind your family is probably going to want to play pass the baby whenever they come over. It’s very possible you’ll be spending a lot of time in the bedroom nursing while everyone else is out socializing, unless you’re comfortable nursing in front of everyone (I personally was not).
Post # 11
I would have your Mom come but NO WAY would I want company after one month of birth. I had a horrible birth and emergency c-section. Baby had formula/milk allergies and we were back and forth to hospitals and specialists for 5-6 weeks plus I couldn’t drive and recovery was awful. Life didn’t get back to some kind of normal until about 7-8 weeks. You don’t know what may or may not happen. My baby would sleep from 5AM until early afternoon until he realized to sleep when it was dark out. Unless you can sleep with zero sleep because it could happen I would not have company.
Post # 12
I’ve been thinking and reading about this too – due in 2 weeks. I think it mainly depends on 1) how comfortable you are around the family members, 2) how helpful vs. needy they will be as guests, and 3) how much you need your house to be a private personal introvert type place vs. you don’t mind having people there and can always just go in your bedroom if you need personal space.
We are planning on having 3-4 days ALONE when we get home from the hospital, while I’m healing up and the hormones are high and all that. Then my parents will come and stay for a few weeks – they’re great and will be very helpufl. My sister, and his two sisters, will also come visit for a few days at different points during the fall. They’ll stay with us. We have a guest bedroom and bathroom on a different floor than ours, so they’ll be some privacy and personal space when needed. And these people all know that the point is to be HELPFUL!
My parents and I did the same at my sister’s house when my niece was a week old, and it worked out well. But, none of us are the “my house is my fortress” type who need to have a ton of personal space at home. I also do not think I’ll be shy about nursing in front of people. And I am not afraid of hurting people’s feelings by just holing up in bed with the baby if I need some space.
Oh and my husband knows that it’s his job to do any hosting-related work, since I (hopefully) will have a baby attached to my boob most of the day and night. But our families know they’ll need to fend for themselves AND help us out.
Post # 13
candy08 : Why is everyone coming to you? It sounds like your parents will be helpful, so I would let them come. But regarding Christmas, I would not be up for entertaining and hosting. Me personally, I would take the baby to the inlaws so we could leave whenever we wanted. And for the family 7 hours away — how many people are we talking, and how close are you? You mentioned a sister — is it just her, or does she have a spouse and kids? A few options are: invite them and have them stay at a hotel, invite them for a 3 or 4-day weekend rather than a whole week, or go to them.
Post # 14
Thanks ladies!! I appreciate you sharing your experiences and your thoughts! We have 2 extra guest bedrooms and one is the basement with their own bathroom so that will help. So just thinking a loud right now, after reading your replies I think I like the idea of my mom coming and helping for a bit. If I change my mind she will get it. The other visistors besides my parents would be my sister and her husband. They would probably stay 2 nights. I think they would help out to if I told them what to do but I will speak to my sister about my concerns. My grandparents could come but I am pretty sure we could just have them come up in January.
That leaves dh parents and his sister, her husband and kids. I am really hoping dh can ask them to just come up for a few hours. They are the nicest people and would help with whatever I ask….but I am just not as comfortable with them as I am my own family. Like I could say to my mom or sister….hey love ya but go away I need me time and they would get it. I would feel awful to do that for dh family. I am thinking when they come we could order food in, exhange gifts, and see baby all in about a few hours then go home? I just hope dh and his family doesnt get offended. I highly doubt dh will. He already told me since I am the one having the baby he thinks these kinds of things should be my call. I just hope his family doesnt expect to stay over night and I mean they may not! I may be worrying for nothing! I know dh would not be up for being the main host of Christmas party…no way!!! So ordering in and keeping it only a few hours may be the way to go. I plan to buy all the family Christmas gifts and wrap them before the baby comes lol.
I think I will just need to talk to dh and have tenative plan. Like some of you mentioned…I cant plan for how I will feel. So I was thinking of telling people we may have to take the wait and see approch about when we will have vistors. Dh and I already decided no vistors in the hospital as they will all want to A stay at our house and no way I want to come from the hospital to a house full of people!! B stay in a hotel and want to come see the baby as soon as we get home from the hospital. Either way that will equal house full of people. I also think it will be importnat to have them over sepeartly so I dont get over whelmed.
Im so excited to have this baby and to celebrate with family….I do not want to offend anyone but from what I have been told from friends I need to focus on baby, healing, and my dh. I do think talking to dh ahead of time will help. Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. Any of you who are currently going through the same dilemma…..good luck!!! I serioulsy cant believe I never really thought about this before!! I do need to read up on the 4th trimester. Also as many of you said I will spend the first few weeks with my breasts out. I never really thought about it bc I thought I would just go to the room the nurse…..but I guess I never took into account how sore I could be! I defiantly wont want to breast feed in front of everyone even with a cover until I get the hang of it. SO lots to consider…..Im gonna let dh read some of these comments. He thinks I am crazy for even worrying about this!!
Post # 15
Westwood : Getting up and moving to the bedroom every time your baby is hungry with stitches in your vag is not fun
Amen. I did this for a day when my baby 6 days old because my husband had a meeting he absolutely could not miss at work (our kiddo came early). Mother-In-Law was trying to be helpful but she wouldn’t leave me alone to breastfeed despite me repeatedly asking her to and I was so tired I just gave up and went upstairs to lock myself in the bedroom every time I needed to nurse. By the time my husband came home and his mom left I was sobbing from the pain in my vag. My husband was so mad he actually wouldn’t let him mom come back over again for probably a week so that I could just heal in peace since she wouldn’t respect my requests.