Having out of town family stay over after baby is born?

posted 1 year ago in Pregnancy
Post # 18
Member
14939 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If my own parents were far and I were close to them and know they would be helpful, I would be ok with them visiting in the beginning.  I would feel no need to ‘entertain’ my parents.  As much as I like DH’s parents, they are not *my* parents and I know he or I would feel a little more like they have to be entertained cause that’s just kind of how they are.  Luckily my parents are close, so they visit for a day and go home.  But for out of town visitors, we said no earlier than a month after my due date.  Our first overnight visitor is scheduled for 5 weeeks after my due date.

Post # 19
Member
9589 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

One of the few areas I get a lot of unsolicited advice is in regards to having family help or not.. or maybe this is just the advice I pay attention to because I love/hate how all over the board it is and how deeply personal it clearly is.

I know people who had their parents or in laws come and stay for up to 6 months post-birth.  I know others who refused to have any family see the baby for the first 2 months.  It does sound like if you think the help will be.. helpful.. then it’s better to take as much help as you can get. 

But honestly I also hear ‘horror stories” of people who tried, against their better judgement, to accept help from people they probably should have known (or did sort of know) would be beyond useless and/or very frustrating and I’m sure they wish they’d just said fuck off to everyone and focused on keeping baby alive without “help”.  I think you know your family–you probably have a decent idea of who will be helpful and who will make your life harder.  Do what you think is best for you and your family, now is not the time to put others first, IMO.

FWIW my baby is due in November and my parents are going to come for 3 weeks in December to help and I’m looking forward to it.  I know I’m going to be so annoyed with my mom, but she’s also incredibly helpful–her cooking is fantastic, she cleans like a whirlwind, and I’ve never seen a baby cry in her arms.. seriously she’s like some sort of god peopel will hand over their purple colicky babies and 10 seconds later the baby is dead silent while my mom sings some chinese song to baby and does some bizarre dance while holding them.  

 

Post # 20
Member
9421 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

candy08 :  In those first couple of weeks many babies cluster feed, which basically means they’re attached to your boob 24/7. It’s great for building your supply, but it’s like…endless nursing. I was lucky if she would go an hour without wanting to eat, and then she would nurse again for 30+ minutes. And in the evenings forget it, she was either on my boob from 4-8 PM or screaming the entire time, take your pick (yay witching hours).

Maybe you’ll get one of those lucky babies that goes 3 hours between nursing, but I don’t think that’s the norm in the beginning.

I definitely would not have wanted to be locked in my bedroom every time she wanted to nurse. The couch was much more comfortable for me, and helped me feel like at least I got out of bed that day lol. I hear a lot of stories of visitors getting huffy that mom isn’t “sharing” the baby too, knocking on the door and interrupting her all the time when trying to nurse.

Post # 21
Member
7856 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

candy08 :  she was otherwise wonderful – she did laundry and cooked and she’s a wonderful grandmother. But to start I was comfortable breastfeeding with an audience because I was still just trying to figure out how to get her to latch well and a crying squirmy baby is enough pressure when you’re in pain and hormonal. Once I got the hang of it I didn’t care at all who saw me breastfeed because I’d figure out how to get her on quick and comfortably. 

One thing I’ve noticed personally and with a lot of other moms I know is that the Mother-In-Law feels slighted when the other grandma gets to be more involved in those early weeks. Almost like “that’s just as much MY grandbaby so why do you get to be more involved?” because they forget that the new mother’s mom isn’t there for the baby – she is there to take care of her own daughter who just gave birth. 

Post # 22
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’d say having your mom to help would be good, but hosting other people would be tough. My SIL and her partner/toddler stayed with us one night when my son was about 3 weeks old and it was fine but still had me worried about how/when we would get him to bed with guests, etc. For the timing of your mom coming, that would depend for me if your husband is taking time off aka you might not need/want both of them there but if he was taking off a week and then going back to work it might be nice to have her there after. Personally, I really struggled with the transition to being (effectively) alone all day when my son was born, besides the general inability to accomplish basic tasks like feeding yourself when the baby is eating all the time. 

candy08 :  

Post # 23
Member
12088 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

The first week or week and a half at home is the most challenging. I’d accept any and all help. That could be your mother if she is up to the task. But if it’s a choice between DIY and hosting someone who will be more work, not less, then I’d DIY along with your husband. 

The rest of the family could visit, but I would really not commit ahead of time to having anyone staying overnight that early on unless you are very close and they will absolutely make things easier. A hotel is not a dirty word in this situation. 

Post # 24
Member
1102 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Personally, for me, no one will be invited or wanted to stay in our home. I won’t feel comfortable nursing in front of others and don’t want to have to leave the room constantly if someone were staying in our home. It’s about YOUR comfort. 

 

We we will invite family for short visits, one hour at a time and then they will be asked to be on their way. I’m not even sure I want any hospital visits at this point. I’m going to be 150% selfish with my PP time and not apologize to anyone. 

Post # 25
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee

It’s definitely a really personal decision! I could think of nothing worse than having *anyone* stay in our house with a new baby. Especially first time around. The hormones are crazy. There were a lot of tears. I wouldn’t feel comfortable no matter how helpful someone thought they were being. I wanted space to figure things out. Other people find the help invaluable 🤷🏻‍♀️. I’d say follow your instincts. If you are in anyway doubting the decision, I’d send your parents to a hotel. 

Post # 26
Member
2690 posts
Sugar bee

You’ll definitely need and be thankful for your mom’s help in the early days!! But I’d say all other guests need to get a hotel.

Post # 28
Member
1102 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

candy08 :  Don’t let anyone, including your husband, make you feel bad about however you choose to heal. Whether it be with no one else around or with your own mother around. It’s 100% your choice. And don’t let anyone tell you you aren’t being “fair”. 

Post # 29
Member
7856 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

candy08 :  if ever there is a time for you to stop worrying about offending people it’s when you are giving birth and have a newborn! Seriously. Do what you need for you and your baby and everyone else can deal for a little while. 

Post # 30
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

No one stays at your house for more than an hour or two unless you are comfortable having them see your boobs. My boobs were on fire and all I wanted to do was sit topless on my couch. My Mom was a great help and I don’t care if she sees my boobs. But my Dad was here and he just wanted to sit at the dining room table and do stuff on his computer. It was so painful to wear a shirt. I just wanted to scream all the time. This pain lasted for 4-8 weeks. 

Also, anyone staying longer than 20 mins gets a memo–DH and I will not be a host while you are here. We will be focused on my recovery and keeping a new human being alive. You will be expected to make our lives easier–here are some things you can do: feed yourselves, feed us, clean up after yourselves, clean up after us, do the laundry, do the dishes, mow the lawn, go to the grocery store for us, etc. If it isn’t obvious what needs to be done, please ask. Anyone who is becoming a burden to my healing or focusing on our new baby will be asked to leave. 

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