Post # 1
So, my husband I were both virgins when we got married about a week ago. We have been and are very open about sex. Neither of us really thought sex would be difficult, but it turns out that we are having a problem. We do about 15-30minutes of foreplay, use lube, and have open communication, but so far he hasn’t been able to penatrate. He has used his fingers and been able to get two in. He says that we have our entire marriage to “get good at sex” and has been very loving and sweet about it, but I’m getting frustrated and feeling like a bit of a failure. I will say that the up-side is that we have become very comfortable with each other and I hope this isn’t too much info but we have both orgasmed most of the time, but still. Any suggestions are really appricated and I can answer any other questions too. Thanks in advance!
Post # 3
I’m sorry you are having difficulty. Can he ONLY get 2 fingers in or is that all he has tried? Is he maybe scared or timid that he will hurt you so he isn’t using enough force to penetrate? These were just my initial thoughts / questions when I read your post. Have you used tampons and have had any trouble inserting? I’m thinking maybe it is just nerves. Relax and keep having fun trying! Tab A is made to fit in Slot B – you will be fine I’m sure!
Post # 4
I agree with sunhat, is it that you physically are in too much pain for him to penetrate or is he nervous and afraid of hurting you? It might hurt a bit at first but you are on the right track with lube and foreplay. Those things make it easier and less painful.
Post # 5
Agreed with above. You may just have to bite the bullet and deal with bad pain once (and some pain a few times after, tbh)…it’ll be worth it later, I promise! Just put loving and sweet aside for a few minutes and get the painful part overwith, lol
Post # 6
I had a difficult time with the same thing. I subconsciously tensed up down there, and it’s just impossible, no matter how much lube or foreplay. I never used tampons. It takes practice, and I know it’s hard not to get discouraged. I thought I was broken! 🙁 I thought it would never feel good, it would never be possible! I still need to go slowly in the beginning, otherwise my brain “freaks” out and I think I tense. You are not broken or nothing is wrong with you (I’m assuming you’ve had a gyn appt at least to for a physical exam). This really does take time, and honestly, I don’t know how some women can have sex for the first time painlessly, easily, and are like, oh was that it? It really was a transition for me, it took a lot of time and patience, but it’s only gotten better. This sounds really sort of strange, but I find that when the time comes for PIV, my SO will say “love108, look at me, look at me” and like, concentrating on his face right in front of me really helps to get my mind off “down there” and relax physically.
Post # 7
I had this issue big time – Darling Husband and I had both never been with anybody else – and I talked to my gynecologist about it. She recommended gradually working up to his size, by using products like these http://www.babeland.com/femani-vibe/d/1173_c_3000 for about 20 minutes at a time on a regular basis. I used the slimmest of the ones on that link, and also bought others in various sizes and gradually worked up. We’re now able to do the deed (he highly enjoys, although mildly uncomfortable for me), but I have to loosen myself up with a vibrator beforehand. Also, I’m on the pill, which I think exacerbates the issue by diminishing my libido. We also found that condoms made things more difficult for us, although we might try them again in the future.
Post # 8
Two things that I am thinking:
1) You might just be an incredibly small girl down there. I had a girlfriend that couldn’t even use tampons because it was so painful. She later ended up having a baby vaginally so I KNOW she got over it.
2) I say that 15 – 30 mintues of foreplay needs to be a lot longer. If you both are doing it right, you will be begging for it and your body has this way of ‘opening’ up. That said, losing your virginity can just be painful, I mean, it’s literally a whole new world down there. To be honest, I had to be a little drunk and even then it was still totally painful. The good news is that the second time was totally NOT. 😉
Post # 9
@ahavah: YES. This helps. I bought the smallest one I could find (not for the vibrations necessarily) to get used to it and not have the pressure of another person there with me. It definitely helped mentally, if not, physically. I suggest it as well! Also- I am glad to hear it is easier for you without condoms– SO and I are not planning on goig condom-less until after we get married, so I am hoping that that will help as well!
Post # 10
First of all — YAY for orgasms! This is a very very good start. I think you’re on the right track. Keep warming up with fingers — two, then three, etc. Don’t be afraid to self-stimulate while he is penetrating you, either with his fingers or his penis. (Marriage is about cooperation, after all.)
Also — something that might help to remember is that the vaginal canal lengthens and relaxes to be able to accomodate a penetrating object once you are A) more turned on and B) once the object is in there. I don’t want to be the voice saying, “Nah, go ahead, shove it in,” but since you seem to be in a good frame of mind (not scared, no hangups) about sex, you may want to see whether you can “play through the pain” a little bit, as the sports metaphor goes. Since you and your new hubby do have such good communication and aren’t hung up on “OMG this has to go perfectly,” you might see if you can have him enter gradually, not thrusting to let you get used to it, etc, with the explicit agreement that if it’s too much for you, you’ll switch to another activity. A good time to try might be after you’re already warmed up from fingering.
Post # 11
I had trouble my first time too (I’m not even going to tell you how long ago this was, lol). It took multiple tries.
Finally got it done when we tried me on top. It seemed a lot easier that way for me. Not sure if you’ve tried that already, but I recommend that. After that happened it was smooth sailing in all positions, so don’t despair 🙂
Post # 12
I suggest getting a Hitachi wand! They are omg amazing! If you lay on your back on the bed, then have your husband stand up between your legs (or put your legs up), then use it (without attachments) on your clit. It will feel really good and it will also help numb you just a little bit so that penetration will be easier and less painful.
I also agree with PP about more foreplay. Also maybe try a different kind of lube or oral sex instead of lube. Some people do not respond well to certain types.
Post # 13
There is a condition called vaginismus that has symptoms exactly like what you are describing. Google it – the good news is it is very curable! 95%+ cure rate! The fact that he can get fingers in you is a good sign. Some people describe it as almost like having a brick wall blocking their vagina when trying to insert the penis.
A lot of girls don’t even need to see a doctor, they just work up to it using vaginal dilators. But a good physical therapist who specializes in helping women with their pelvic floor muscles can be invaluable, too 🙂
Please, please look it up and don’t delay getting treated. You really don’t have to feel this way.
Post # 15
Thanks for all the tips! Before I even saw any of these we tried again and had some success…excited to really get going! Thanks bees!
Post # 16
At first, and for a few years, I was only able to get off when *he* play around the outside. Not necessarily using his penis, but rubbing fingers, dry humping, etc. Then it’s expanded and there are multiple spots that can get me off, although (as much as I can tell) they are still outer. I would try for you both not to focus so much on the sex, but to “play around” the outside area for you a bit more. Feel free to PM me if you’re looking for some ideas! Good luck, and yes…I agree it DOES get better!!