(Closed) Having problems with sex

posted 9 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 17
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If you were a virgin until a week ago, I wouldn’t worry too much that there is something biologically wrong with you that can’t be worked with in regards to getting some pleasure from having sex. All the bees here are right about foreplay – your body isn’t used to the cues yet and will in time that A leads to B which leads to C…so you’re going to have to really be creative and passionate and relax as much as possible to avoid being too tense down there. Also, it IS going to hurt the first couple of times, if your hymen hasn’t been completely broken yet and because you’re just tight (the vagina will stretch and then retract over time, but it’s like muscle memory and yours hasn’t learned this yet!). I would also suggest trying to work with positions that favor the penis penetrating you as much as possible without unnecessarily hurting either one of you. For instance, riding him on top with him laying flat on his back will hurt you at first but will get in deep and loosen you up in no time but being on top of him with both of you somewhat sitting and you wrapped around him will tilt your vagina and might hurt both of you in the process. Sometimes even the missionary position doesn’t allow for a completely straight canal for him to penetrate and that will only hinder the process.


It’s somewhat scary when it seems like it won’t go in, but lube and patience and actually making sure it goes in will make both of you very happy in no time 🙂

Post # 18
214 posts
Helper bee

SO and I had difficulties the first time.  I think it was a combination of inadequate foreplay (not quite wet enough, not quite hard enough, sorry if TMI) and not getting the angle right.  The first time was utter failure and SO was really frustrated.  But we tried again the next morning and I guess positioned ourselves slightly differently and, well, in it went 😉  I dunno how virginal you mean when you say virgin, because I did a lot of stuff with my ex and I think that actually helped a lot.

Post # 19
2 posts

@kyrstien:  hi-


you might want to see your gyno just to make sure something biological isn’t getting in the way. they can also consult with you on this- it happens, they have def seen it before, and don’t feel weird bc they see all kinds of stuff, this will be very routine for them.

i wonder, have you ever used a tampon? this is personal, but i also wonder if you ever pleasure yourself and if it invovles any penetration. i also wonder when you have success with just his fingers if that is pleasurable or hurts, i also wonder about how you’re feeling during sex, if you’re turned on, etc.

if it were me, i would use a vibrator to reach an orgasm, and then try sex after that. if it’s feeling good and not hurting but just not wide enough to fit, i would continue to ease in over time to w fingers, or if you’re open to it even getting a small, soft, flexible sex toy comically called a dildo! your boyfriend and/or you could use it. also, i would look at if you are mentally and physically turned on and into it, cause if you’re feeling anxious about it it’s possible that your body is responding to the tension.. just a thought. if it were me, i would have a glass or two of wine before giving it a go! (if you drink). alcohol is not ‘the answer’, but a glass of wine could be a harmless way to relax and a common nice led in to sex!

when you try, if it’s really hurting that would be where your gyno comes in. and if you’re feeling anxious or uncomfortable, there’s sex counselors, too.

in the meantime you’re not a failure at all, ppl have all kinds of sex concerns throughout their life, on and off! don’t sweat it! you’ll figure it out. nice to be supportive of each other and remind each other that neither of you is wrong! hey, maybe your boyfriend has an exceptionally big one! lol. even still, vaginas are made to stretch as big as a baby’s head, so either in time on your own or w your gyno you will get there!

hope that helps! i’m a counselor and used to be a sex educator. 🙂


Post # 20
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I had this problem for a long time. I think it took 2 months for me to lose my virginity after I started having sex. Try to orgasm first, then try penetration, it will be much easier

Post # 21
35 posts

You should also make sure he is fully erect as well. This is something that takes two people to complete, and may be a combination of things, not just your own physiology.

Post # 22
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@kyrstien:  It sounds like to me both of you have certain expectations as to how easy it’s supposed to be. Throw all of that aside and RELAX. Just try to have fun. Go slow. Try using a toy first. I suggest a glass of wine, or two, or three before sexy time. Make sure you communicate to him what feels good and what doesn’t. 

Post # 23
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Relax and have fun, try new things and maybe a toy to start to loosen you up…but it will happen.  If you are still having problems go see your doc, I am sure they have even more ideas.  There are also some numbing agents out there that might help, but you have to know how it will effect you and your ph (hence go see a dr.) before you try them…but it might help with the first few times.

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