(Closed) Having second thoughts..

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

You can’t bring it up without causing pain. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. If you don’t want to get married and feel you’re missing out and making a mistake, you probably are. Don’t make the mistake. It’s not done yet. It will hurt. But it’s better for the both of you in the long run.

Post # 3
Member
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You have to go with your instinct. This person has been and will always be an important part of your life, he helped shape your early adult years as you did his. You are young and having these feels in perfectly normal. If this is how your feel now then it is best to go have the experiances you want. This will be difficult, there will be pain on both sides and I’m sure anger too. Unfortunately that is the price of loving someone and having to let go. 

Post # 4
Member
293 posts
Helper bee

GO WITH YOUR GUT! I was previously engaged and called it off in November after agonizing over it for literally ten months. I remember feeling the exact same way you do. I will tell you that if you’re having second thoughts now, they will not get any better as time goes on. In my case, they got worse because I was trying so hard to fight with myself and convince myself that I was wrong. I won’t lie, calling it off was the hardest conversation I’ve ever had In my life. I cared deeply for my former fiance and did not want to hurt him, but I knew that ultimately I had to do what was right for me and me alone. Three months later, I know it was the right decision. Trust yourself. Calling off an engagement is so, so hard but so, so brave and commendable so that you don’t waste years of your life in a marriage that you know is wrong from the get go. Good luck. 

Post # 5
Member
1219 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

That’s partly what an engagement is for – it gives you time to change your mind before you commit for life! I would say go with you gut – I care about a lot of people, it doesn’t mean I would marry them. You need more than that and if you realise now you are going in different directions, it’s not likely to get any better.

It’s a horrible cliché but you’re young, you have plenty of time to meet new people and fall in love. Maybe your Fiance feels the same way you do but is afraid of hurting you. You need to talk about this seriously and sooner rather than later.

Post # 6
Member
1378 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base

Always stay true to yourself.  If you aren’t you what do you have to offer to the relationship? Eventually the person that plays with the puppet will also tire of the puppet because they can’t participate.   

Post # 7
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee

lucylove1990:  when you are in a relationship your partner is suppose to support your goals and make you want to do better. Obviously he is not doing that. You said you fear you wont find love and that he is all you know. You care about him but you see no real future.  Sounds like youbhave grown apart and the best thing mighr be for you to leave. Obviously you can love someone still and want nothing but good for them but sometimes the other person is just not for you and it’s ok. Feeling will be hurt if you bring this up but it’s better now than later that you start feeling this way.

Post # 8
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee

lucylove1990: 

I feel like I am staying with him out of fear. Fear of missing him, not finding love again, not being able to make it on my own.

Dealbreaker. My mum got married and eventually divorced out of that same fear. THREE TIMES! And each time she (and consequently us kids) was absolutely miserable!

Don’t do this to yourself. And don’t do this to your possible future children. I don’t know your Fiance, so he may not be a bad person, but if he is the wrong person, you will be miserable, you will resent him for unfulfilled dreams and you will always think “what if?”.

It’s ok to be single. It’s scary, but it’s not nearly as bad as you think it’s going to be! xx

Post # 9
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

If he doesn’t support you, and you feel like your individuality and identity have been overtaken by the relationship, that needs to change. You should be able to be yourself in a relationship, not a compromised version of yourself. Don’t hang onto a relationship because you’re scared there won’t be another, being unhappy with someone is not better than being alone for a while. 

it’s not going to be a pain-free conversation, there’s no way to make it one. 

Post # 10
Member
509 posts
Busy bee

If you have ANY doubt, you shouldn’t do it.  You will cause pain, but, it will be short lived compared to the lifetime of misery you’re in for if you get married, and then have a subsequent divorce.  Marriage is hard, trust me, I know, this one will be my second.  I did the same thing, I married the first time because I was scared of being alone.  I spent 20 years unhappy.  DON’T do the same thing!  As other people have said, be true to yourself.

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