Post # 1
I’m not really sure what to do and would like some advice. We have been together for 6 years, since I was 18. Been engaged for a year now. I care about him a lot and I know he cares about me. But I’m having second thoughts. We have obviously both changed and matured over the last 6 years. I just don’t see our lives going in the same direction. We want different things. I don’t get along with his parents at all. We have very different opinions and views. His father has deeply hurt and offended me many times. While I care about him a lot I just have a gut feeling that I shouldn’t marry him. He’s the only person I have ever dated and I feel like I am staying with him out of fear. Fear of missing him, not finding love again, not being able to make it on my own. When the topic of our wedding comes up I feel stressed out and worried that I’m making a mistake. I feel like I am missing out on a lot. I have dreams and goals that mean a lot to me and he doesnt support them or take them seriously. I feel like I don’t even know who I am. I feel like I have no personal identity because I have put myself and my goals on the back burner. How can I bring this up without causing an argument or more pain?
Post # 2
You can’t bring it up without causing pain. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. If you don’t want to get married and feel you’re missing out and making a mistake, you probably are. Don’t make the mistake. It’s not done yet. It will hurt. But it’s better for the both of you in the long run.
Post # 3
You have to go with your instinct. This person has been and will always be an important part of your life, he helped shape your early adult years as you did his. You are young and having these feels in perfectly normal. If this is how your feel now then it is best to go have the experiances you want. This will be difficult, there will be pain on both sides and I’m sure anger too. Unfortunately that is the price of loving someone and having to let go.
Post # 4
GO WITH YOUR GUT! I was previously engaged and called it off in November after agonizing over it for literally ten months. I remember feeling the exact same way you do. I will tell you that if you’re having second thoughts now, they will not get any better as time goes on. In my case, they got worse because I was trying so hard to fight with myself and convince myself that I was wrong. I won’t lie, calling it off was the hardest conversation I’ve ever had In my life. I cared deeply for my former fiance and did not want to hurt him, but I knew that ultimately I had to do what was right for me and me alone. Three months later, I know it was the right decision. Trust yourself. Calling off an engagement is so, so hard but so, so brave and commendable so that you don’t waste years of your life in a marriage that you know is wrong from the get go. Good luck.
Post # 5
That’s partly what an engagement is for – it gives you time to change your mind before you commit for life! I would say go with you gut – I care about a lot of people, it doesn’t mean I would marry them. You need more than that and if you realise now you are going in different directions, it’s not likely to get any better.
It’s a horrible cliché but you’re young, you have plenty of time to meet new people and fall in love. Maybe your Fiance feels the same way you do but is afraid of hurting you. You need to talk about this seriously and sooner rather than later.
Post # 6
- Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base
Always stay true to yourself. If you aren’t you what do you have to offer to the relationship? Eventually the person that plays with the puppet will also tire of the puppet because they can’t participate.
Post # 7
lucylove1990: when you are in a relationship your partner is suppose to support your goals and make you want to do better. Obviously he is not doing that. You said you fear you wont find love and that he is all you know. You care about him but you see no real future. Sounds like youbhave grown apart and the best thing mighr be for you to leave. Obviously you can love someone still and want nothing but good for them but sometimes the other person is just not for you and it’s ok. Feeling will be hurt if you bring this up but it’s better now than later that you start feeling this way.
Post # 8
I feel like I am staying with him out of fear. Fear of missing him, not finding love again, not being able to make it on my own.
Dealbreaker. My mum got married and eventually divorced out of that same fear. THREE TIMES! And each time she (and consequently us kids) was absolutely miserable!
Don’t do this to yourself. And don’t do this to your possible future children. I don’t know your Fiance, so he may not be a bad person, but if he is the wrong person, you will be miserable, you will resent him for unfulfilled dreams and you will always think “what if?”.
It’s ok to be single. It’s scary, but it’s not nearly as bad as you think it’s going to be! xx
Post # 9
If he doesn’t support you, and you feel like your individuality and identity have been overtaken by the relationship, that needs to change. You should be able to be yourself in a relationship, not a compromised version of yourself. Don’t hang onto a relationship because you’re scared there won’t be another, being unhappy with someone is not better than being alone for a while.
it’s not going to be a pain-free conversation, there’s no way to make it one.
Post # 10
If you have ANY doubt, you shouldn’t do it. You will cause pain, but, it will be short lived compared to the lifetime of misery you’re in for if you get married, and then have a subsequent divorce. Marriage is hard, trust me, I know, this one will be my second. I did the same thing, I married the first time because I was scared of being alone. I spent 20 years unhappy. DON’T do the same thing! As other people have said, be true to yourself.