(Closed) Having second thoughts and I just want to cry

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
829 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Oh wow I am so sorry. Have you tried talking to him? Maybe even hinted?

Post # 4
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Have you talked to him about this?  How you feel exhausted and mad because you are always the one who gets up early with the puppy and does everything for the puppy?  If he listens and tries to help you, then you can salvage the relationship.  If he doesn’t, you might want to consider going to couples therapy or posponing the wedding.

Post # 5
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Talk to him that’s the only advice. Stay calm and compose don’t talk about being unsure just tell him you would like a little help with the dog since it was his idea. Don’t bring out the children issue yet or don’t talk about his dad.

 

Post # 6
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Yeah my first thought was, “how is he going to be when you guys have kids?!”. I would sit down and talk with him about the fact that a puppy (like a baby) is a shared responsibility. What is his schedule like during the week? Is he working really long hours or a really stressful job–aka is there any excuse he could have for not helping out in the early early mornings or more during the day?

 

Post # 7
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Hi there. Okay, first calm down and breathe 🙂 Try to smile.

Talking to him and letting him know how you feel is probably the first thing you should do. Let him know in a way that is nonthreatening – I always do my talking and discussing over coffee.

Let him know your expectations about the puppy. Outline that it was his decision to get the puppy and that if he cannot properly take care of it that he will have to make other arrangements.

When it comes to rearing children, you should definitely discuss this soon. Like…now. My fiance and I are doing this in marriage couseling (6 – 1 hour sessions…it is amazing and so nonthreatening.)

Just remember, when you get married issues like these will come up but it is not a reason to second guess your decision. Issues like these, if taken care of properly and in a healthy manner, will make you guys stronger.

Post # 8
Member
681 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I am so sorry that all of this is happening and especially with it being just a few months before your wedding. While it is annoying (to say the least), I don’t think it’s any reason to not get married or anything (which I’m sure a lot of why you said that is because you’re fed up and frustrated).

Is it possible to just sit down and have a talk about how hard this is on you? He probably does think that since he helps out on Saturdays that he is doing his part (for some reason that reminds me of when my sister would get in trouble in high school for not cleaning her room, etc. she would always say, “but I make good grades”). Sometimes there’s just a little more too it.

Maybe just mention the fact that when you BOTH decided to get a dog that together you accepted the responsibility of caring for her. It’s wearing you out to get up every morning at 4:30 and you really need him to step up by: getting up with her every other morning, walking her, feeding her in the evenings (and you feed her in the morning-or something).

I hope that things get better! Do you have a picture of your sweet pup?

Post # 9
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Don’t panic.  Get some rest first so you’re thinking clearly and calmly.  Talk to him about your fears.  He may not even realize what your upset about.  Give him a chance to fix things/change his behavior.

Also, don’t stress about the kids issue.  Having pets is not really an indicator of the type of parent he’ll be.  And most likely, having been raised by his father and hurt by the lack of interaction, he’ll want to do the opposite with his own children.

Wish you the best.

Post # 10
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

ugh that’s terrible – a valid concern.  I would start with the dog issue – I need more help with the puppy, she gets up so early and needs a lot of care. it would be easier if both of us took charge. If that doesn’t work, I’d bring up that he was the one that wanted the puppy, and that he needs to man up. If that doesn’t work, I’d discuss with him rehoming the puppy to a family that wants to spend the time to train it. If that doesn’t work, I would then have a very frank discussion that brings his inaction to light and not mince words about how that’s not acceptable. Some women want to have a patriarch and do all thehouse stuff (I do not know these women, haha), but if you’re not that woman, and he needs to step up – you don’t want your whole life to be like that. Sorry you’re going through this! Wishing you the best of luck. I would also flip in this situation.

Post # 11
Hostess
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

It’s something to talk through, for sure. You don’t want to have any resentment toward him. Good luck!!!

Post # 12
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

My husband tries to sleep through puppy cries too.  He just knows I’ll get up, though sometimes if I pretend to sleep he’ll get up.  He does help in other ways but I’d say just talk to him about how you need him to pull more weight.

Post # 13
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

You definitely need to sit down with him and have a serious discussion. Did you talk before the puppy about who would take care of it? If not, that’s ok, address it now. Tell him you are burdened, there is so much going on, it is overwhelming. Tell him that he was the one who definitely wanted the dog, and that the entire responsibility of her is too much. You want her to be your dog together, not just yours, but that it won’t be like that if only one of you take care of her. Maybe split the household chores a little more, since you know he’ll likely bring up “well i do all this other stuff”. Look, I wanted two cats when Darling Husband got deployed. They are MY cats. And they are MY responsibility. If i just schlepped them off onto my husband, i’d fully expect him to give me a swift kick in the butt and remind me they are mine to feed, clean up after, and clean up their poop. Dogs are a huge responsibility…I can completely understand why you are relating dog care to kids. At some point, maybe bring up how involved he will be in child rearing. I know my mom had specific tasks and so did my dad–very traditional household. And if you’re raised in one, like your SO was, he may think it’s ‘weird’ that he has to adopt a new attitude with YOU, because you are not his mom.

Post # 14
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Definatly need to have a SERIOUS discussion. He wanted the puppy so bad; he needs to take care of it. Unfortunatly; you didn’t talk about it ahead of time. Or did you? If I were so adamint to say no to getting the puppy then I would have said “yes” only if he takes care of it. If he can’t then it’s best to find it a new home NOW while it’s still young & can be trained the way someone else wants it. Then I’d have the discussion about kids. These are thigns that you don’t really think about until it happens. You need to ask him what his expectations are with children. Will he be helping out? Changing dipers? Getting up at 2am? You need to get these thigns out in the open before your married.

Post # 16
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

awhhh, i’m sorry you’re feeling this way. but, don’t think that you’re alone or that this doesn’t happen to other couples — either engaged or married! having a puppy (or a baby!) is a huge responsibility, and a lot of people like the idea of having a pet, but they really fail to recognize the amount of patience and dedication it takes to raise the animal. and, a lot of people fight over who has to get up to take the dog out, walk it, etc.

my best advice is talk to your Fiance in a non-attacking way. explain to him how when you both agreed to take on this new puppy, you made a commitment to take care of it — and that means he needs to meet you half way with the help. maybe you can set up a schedule — M,W,F, you get up early to take the dog out, T,TH,S he gets up early to take the puppy out and Sunday, you do it together. something like that so you have that to fall back on. there are also a lot of tapes, books, classes etc. for new pet parents to look to for helpful resources. maybe suggest doing one of those together?

either way, you’re obviously marrying him for all the right reasons. many people have never had the experience of having the responsibility to take care of a pet growing up. look at this as an opportunity to grow together so that when the time comes to have a baby, you’ll have a lot of these issues worked through and you’ll be pros!

hang in there & good luck!

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