(Closed) having second thouhgts :/

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Has he always been this way? Since you met him? Or has this started recently? Stop doing things for him, is the first piece of advice I have. I know it shouldn’t be tit for tat, but you got home at 6 am because he was out with buddies??

You say he makes you happy, but how does he make you happy?

Why did he not do anything for your birthday?

If this is just the way he is, are you willing to spend a lifetime like this?

I would not be so easy on him at this point and would ask him point blank “If you are sorry, WHEN are you going to make it up to me? Because I don’t think I can live the rest of my life being a pushover”. It’s harsh, yes, but what you are describing coming from him is also harsh.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. You have every right 🙁

Post # 4
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I feel like a broken endorsement for the book the 5 Languages of Love – but this is a perfect example.  YOU feel like you are showing love, going out of your way etc etc but he is not responding in kind, perhaps because this is not his language.  Please read it- and “make” him read it.  Men are so not into self help stuff the way we are.  But trust me it will help

Post # 5
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Yikes. Why didn’t he give you something for your birthday? I understand if people are broke, but not even a card?

I don’t think this is something that you should leave him over, but I also don’t think that it is something you can just ‘let go’. My Fiance and I have had this problem in the past, and it took a while to iron out, but I had to learn that he shows his appreciation in different ways.

You need to tell him how you feel and what you want. If you dont know how you want appreciation expressed, then don’t bring it up until you do. You need to make sure you know what you need from him before you start the discussion.Do you want him to just thank you after you do something for him or do you want him to give you the occasional gift or night out as a thank you? Do you want him to skip the ‘sorry’, and help you out instead? After you know what you need/want, you should sit him down and have a discussion about it. Just dont’ pick a time such as the one you described – when you are exhausted and aggrevated. It will work out. Sometimes men just need to know exactly what you need, and then it is fine.

Post # 7
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@FEFE215: you do things you perceive as ‘nice’ but they dont register.  thats what i mean about different ways to perceive love.  if you want to do them, do them but dont look for a reward- because he doesnt see it as anything special.  It took me a long time to figure out that my being pissed because I wasnt appreciated wasnt someone elses issue- if they hadnt asked me to do it, in the first place.

Post # 9
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@FEFE215: so basically you want him to read your mind- and know when you need a thank you,or a compliment, or an atta girl.  Sweetie- MEN CANT READ OUR MINDS.  It’s not their fault, just a limit to their abilities.  ASK for what you need.  i know its tough, and it makes us feel like we are a) whining b) pathetic or c) nagging.  But most men dont see it that way.  Try it for one week. ASK for what you need. See if you get an answer.  Let us know

Post # 10
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Sorry to hear this! BUt I agree with @retreadbride our marriage counselor made us read the Five Languages of Love and we read it together and it compeltely changed our relationship. Now when I feel loved we BOTH know EXACTLY why and when he feels unloved we both know why. I really think you should get on Amazon it is only a couple of dollars, get two copies, one for you and one for him. I can almost guarantee that if you are BOTH committed to finding a solution that book will most DEFINITELY help. Trust me I’ve been here.

Post # 12
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@FEFE215: I understand what you looking for and what you deserve.

Every single night, whether I burned dinner or not, my husband kisses me and says “thank you”.

See how he reacts next time he asks for a favor like picking him up at 230am when you should be sleeping. “No, honey, I don’t think I can”. If he  says “that’s ok”, he might start to think about why you refused. If he says “Why the hell not?” Be blunt again and tell him “look, I WOULD do this for you, but I don’t even get a proper thank you!!”

Post # 14
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@FEFE215:it doesnt tak a mind reader to think “damn she went out of her way when she didnt have to” and be thankful for it.  Again, they dont know its out of your way, they dont think the same way we do.  You are going to hit this same wall over and over and over.  We cant change them, only our response to them.

Post # 16
Member
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I have been in this situation before, but I have come to the realization that there are things I do better than my husband. Birthdays, I am great at birthdays, he is so so! 🙂 He really tries in his own way and thats what you have to look for. He may not do what you would do in a situation, but he may try and make it up to you in his own way. 

I hope this helps

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