(Closed) Having serious problems with husbands relationship with adult daughter-Financial

posted 4 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 31
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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alamana:  but she is not a child anymore.  She is 22. 

Post # 32
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

“I am concerned that my husband has hundredes thousand dollars in debt, no retirement savings and no emergency savings” 

Concerned is an understatement here. All of those would be deal breakers for me and I would have never married your husband. Did you really mean to type HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS, meaning more than 200,000 in debt?

Post # 33
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I read that as being mortgage debt on his condo.  Am I right?

Post # 34
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with Belichick, the main issue here is your husband’s financial health in terms of being 57 with no retirement savings and hundreds of thousands in debt. I just don’t see how he will ever be able to retire, unless your country has excellent social support services for seniors. You might keep your finances separate now, but sooner or later, this WILL be your problem to deal with.

Post # 35
Member
1837 posts
Buzzing bee

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mrsditobe:  But she is his daughter. Second wives take a backseat to children. Financially and otherwise. One’s child always has to be the priority. 

Post # 36
Member
3327 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’m not sure why you decided to get married if he was this financially irresponsible – or at least get married without sorting this out first. You need to talk to a financial planner asap. Possibly a marriage/family councillor as well.

Post # 37
Member
880 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

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princessandthepear:  

+1 My husband and I married when we were both poor. However, I would not have married him if he was in so much debt and had no retirement savings. That kind of poor decision making is very irresponsible. 

Post # 38
Member
1167 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I totally disagree that adult children come before your spouse, ever listen to the vows?  No freaking way I come second to DHs adult daughter, no way!  Even he doesn’t even think that I come second.  I’d divorce him in a second if he thought that 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  karen12.
Post # 39
Member
2111 posts
Buzzing bee

Just chiming in to offer some support from when (soon-to-be) stepmother bee to another.

Until someone is a stepmother, they don’t know what its like. Its very emotional because they aren’t your children and even if you do care for them or love them it can still be difficult sacrificing for them, which it seems like you do.

The issue here isn’t your stepdaughter though, it is your husband – which I am sure you are aware of. You have kept your money separate however you are contributing more to the relationship than he is because of his financial commitments to his 22 year old daughter.

She is unwell, and that is awful. However, her parents are not going to be around forever and she cannot rely on the constant support. Moving overseas is not a good idea if she can’t be away at university without coming home all the time. Plain and simple.

It’s time to draw a line in the sand with your husband. He needs to get his sh!t together or you are gone.

Post # 41
Member
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Not sure it matters in whatever country you are in, but I would look into financial counselors rather than a financial advisor. Financial advisors really only advise on where to invest money that you already have, while financial counselors can aid in helping to reduce debt and negotiate with creditors. 

Post # 42
Member
9580 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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HuysuzAyi33:  that’s a good update. I’m freaked out for you because he does have a retirement plan: you. 

Post # 43
Member
7132 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I have to agree that people who are bad with money aren’t usually bad with it because of a child or a debt or an emergency. They are often bad with money regardless of how much they have or don’t have (lottery winners often bear this out). I think your Darling Husband would be bad with money regardless of whether he had a dependent adult child or not. You chose to look the other way about it before you married him (or at least did not take it seriously enough to have a plan in place before marriage), and now you want to blame his Dear Daughter. I think the Dear Daughter is a symptom but not the cause.

Discussions and a plan with a financial planner might help, but to be 57 with significant debt and no retirement savings is a dangerous position to be in. Additionally, it is difficult to change spending habit, especially when emotional spending (like on a child) is involved. Best of luck to you, but I don’t see this ending well. 

Post # 44
Member
13017 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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HuysuzAyi33:  You two need marriage counseling as much or more than financial counseling. This is every bit your business because you are the one who will be funding all of these irresponsible decisions. 

If he could afford to support an adult daughter without putting you in the position of having to fully support him sooner rather than later, great, but he can’t.  If you are not on board with supporting this man for the rest of your life, you have every right to address  the money that’s being spent right now and how.

By The Way, how does he think he will be in any sort of position to retire in seven years? 

 

 

Post # 45
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

which country do you live in? Will your Darling Husband have a work-sponsored pension or government-sponsored support plus free universal health care in his retirement so that an emergency fund or self-funded 401K is not necessary? If this is the case, he just has a mortgage in the condo you live in together, right?

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