(Closed) Having the worst waiting day…

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
659 posts
Busy bee

Aww I’m sorry πŸ™ I hope you feel better soon.

Post # 4
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Take a deep breath. Focus on other things in your life instead of obessing over being engaged. Your time will come. Im sure he feels the pressure you are sending out. Focus on having a great relationship and a great life, and before you know it, you will be engaged.

Post # 4
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Take a deep breath. Focus on other things in your life instead of obessing over being engaged. Your time will come. Im sure he feels the pressure you are sending out. Focus on having a great relationship and a great life, and before you know it, you will be engaged.

Post # 6
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee

I’m right there with you! I’ve been going through similar things.  Treat yourself to something nice, a movie or your favorite dessert or something.  Hugs to you!

Post # 7
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m there with you. I feel like it’s never going to happen all the time and it sucks πŸ™ It’s so hard to wait hwen everyone else is getting engaged and married and you’re still just dating, and we’ve been together nearly 7 years. It sucks even worse when everyone around you is bugging and putting the pressure on about when is he going to finally propose.

@dotdotdoodlebot: I could take your great advice as well. I know my guy feels the pressure I give him. I try not to pressure him but I know it gets to him. It’s just so hard not to say anything when it’s all you ever think about and others always have to bug about it as well.

Post # 8
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

All of this can be very depressing stuff – the very proposal process puts almost all of the power for the future of your relationship into his hands. It’s essentially all on his timeframe. Women are often ready for commitment sooner than men are – and that just leaves them feeling out of control, angry and depressed.

I’ve read studies on this stuff – it’s insane how much this detail could overpower women and leave them feeling like they’re absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. It’s scary to feel so powerless, and to not know what’s inside that gourd of his. Is he not proposing because of money, his desire to finish school first…or because he’s uncertain of his relationship with you? It’s hard to gauge and unfortunately no one can predict if or when a particular man will ever propose. They all show different signs.

I took steps to put some power back into my hands. I made the decision that I would leave by February 2012 (3 1/2 years into the relationship) if we are not engaged, which is roughly the time when our lease is up.  I told him a few weeks ago that I would not be moving into another place with him without an engagement (we have lived together for some months now). I didn’t threaten to leave him (although, yes, it will be the end of our relationship) but I made it clear that this stage of our relationship is not going to go on indefinitely, especially when we made a plan to the contrary before we even moved in together.

My advice is to start focusing on other parts of your life. I started focusing on exercise – I’ve lost 20 pounds. It’s making me feel more confident about MYSELF and reminding me that if my guy really doesn’t want to marry me – I can always attract someone else who will someday see I’ve got plenty to offer. It also helped me to set out my boundaries. If there’s no engagement, I leave in February – plain and simple. Doing so may help you restore some of your sanity and a sense of still being a viable and attractive person without having your boyfriend get on a knee for a proposal.

If you go to this wedding? Don’t grit your teeth and think, “I wish he’d just propose to me already.” Focus your thoughts instead on what YOU can do to ease your own feelings, ie: “I’ve set my boundaries and I won’t have to worry about seeing another wedding while I’m single with my current boyfriend.”

There’s a fine balance between loving yourself enough to leave if you think you won’t get a commitment, and waiting a reasonable and expectable length of time for an engagement. Obviously, the boyfriend’s job, income, education and age all play a role in how soon he is ready to propose. I wouldn’t be shocked to find a man proposing at 25 after 7 years together, but for an acccomplished man in his 20s in a relationship for a few years, I would find it strange he had not yet proposed.

 

 

Post # 10
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

I get all of those lines too. The comments about wanting to get married/etc. are very rare. I’ve heard some people suggest this is a tactic men sometimes use to get your mind off of the engagement – so you’ll be surprised when the time comes. It could also be a sign that he doesn’t think of it. But he’s giving you hints that he is happy enough to think about the very long-term with you.

I do my best not to get my hopes up. When discussing getting married, having kids, etc., I always speak in “ifs” instead of “whens.” When my boyfriend brought this up one day, I flat-out told him, “Yes, it’s still an ‘if’ because it hasn’t happened and I don’t know if it ever will. When it happens, it happens. Until then, it’s still an ‘if.'” That shut him up pretty quickly. He couldn’t sit there railing to me about the way I speak when he’s giving me no indication at all that he’s about to make any kind of commitment. Framing it in ‘if’ terms really helped me to regain some confidence and to keep level-headed. I think often women get way too wrapped up in ‘when’ and find themselves getting angrier and more discouraged when a relationship just doesn’t happen.

You’re right though about one thing – it’s -very- easy to say, “I want to spend my life with you/I love you, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me” to a girl. It’s very easy to say those things. It’s much harder to pop out a ring, or to buy a house, or to otherwise offer her a more solid commitment than the exchange of a few words. Marriage is costly – and the prospect of divorce sometimse even more emotionally and financially draining. It is an investment. Eventually, words lose meaning without follow-up action.

I liken it to me telling a boss I’ll write a report, then never actually writing it. I’m sure his thought isn’t, “Well, she said she’d write it, so that’s what counts.” Actions always speak louder than words. Maybe he’s just not at the point to propose yet (as much as I hate to admit it, 2.5 – 3 years still isn’t AS LONG as some womens’ waits…although In My Humble Opinion it’s about long enough), but he’s getting there.

I’d say it is a sign that he’s thinking about it. But until he gets to the point where he’s actually proposing, yes, it’s still an ‘if.’

Post # 11
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m so there…. I’ve been fine for so long and today out of nowhere… I promised myself I won’t mention to him to avoid sounding like a nag, so I have nothing but my tears right now…. 

Post # 12
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

@caribbeanGirl: Everybody has their days/moments/hours where they find themselves getting upset and discouraged about it. Remember that the feelings you’re having will pass and you’ll start to feel better.

Think of not bringing it up (you should, however, bring it up from time-to-time to check on your goals/his actions toward making it happen) as you proving to yourself just -how much- you don’t need it. I find that in general, men seem to bring it up more often and act a little more urgently about it if they find that you’re not bringing it up. Maybe it dawns on them, “Oh no, she hasn’t brought it up…that’s what I want, though…I better say something!”

Post # 13
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

@RiverRunning: You had made a comment about leaving at 3.5 years and not moving to another place with him if you are still not engaged. This is the kind of thinking I think is healthy. The OP said “it’s all on his time frame.” It’s only in “his time frame” if you allow it. I believe that deciding to get engaged is about BOTH people…not just the man. Back in the day when my parents were younger it was common for a woman to just wait and wait and wait for a proposal. We are in a new time and the decision should come from both parties in my opinion and not just when the man alone is ready. Good for you for acknowledging that you can’t let things drag out forever. There has to be boundaries.

Post # 14
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

I know it’s so hard not to get your hopes up when any event rolls around.  People always say (and I have also) just have a good time and don’t get your expectations up, but after a certain amount of time, your expectations are always there!  He can go inside to get a beer and I’ll think “I wonder what he’s doing in there.  I bet he’s getting a ring!!” haha.  It does suck that the guy has all of the power in this decision and I can totally empathize.  I won’t try to tell you not to think about it because that’s impossible..  Hang in there!   

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